Saturday, December 31, 2005

2005 Sucked Ass

2005 was not a good year for us; we are one happy family that this year is over.

Tomorrow we shall be dining on black eyed peas (for good luck) and ham (for they push their snouts forward in the dirt); additionally, we will not be having any chicken (because they scratch the dirt backwards).

Hey! We need all the help we can get to make 2006 a fantabulous year.

May you and your family have a Happy New Year as well!

Friday, December 30, 2005

Its About Fucking Time

Looks like the FDA is starting to be proactive for all of those with food allergies:

Beginning Jan. 1, food makers are required by law to label in "plain language" the eight allergen groups: tree nuts (including almonds, walnuts, and pecans), milk, eggs, fish, crustacean shellfish, peanuts, soybeans and wheat. Labels must either use parentheses to clarify that, for instance, "whey" or "casein" is a milk product, or must note at the end of the list that the product "contains" a specific allergen.

And, even working on changing labels to help those with celiac disease:

For millions of people, gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye, triggers an autoimmune reaction, attacking the small intestine. Sometime before August 2006, the FDA will issue a proposal to allow voluntarily use of the words "gluten free" on food labels, though the rule isn't likely to be finalized until 2008. But companies already are using their own definitions to label products as "gluten-free."

You can read the whole article here.

I just hope that the FDA regulates mono- and diglycerides and other derivatives of wheat as gluten products, otherwise it will be a waste of their time.

Now, when are the restaurants going to join the bandwagon?

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Apparently, I Was On the "Naughty List"

Christmas morning, we all woke up and took the boys downstairs. Griffin was all excited that Santa had come, looking at all the presents and pointing to the stockings.

"My stocking is full! Darwin's stocking is full! Daddy's stocking is full! Mommy's stocking is... empty?"

He whipped around and turned to me.

"Mommy! Santa says you're on the Naughty List!"

"I am not on the Naughty List! I was a good Mommy this year!"

"Santa says you weren't."

I whipped around and look at Aaron, who had an "oh shit" look on his face. He cleared his throat and said to Griffin, "Um... I'm sure Mommy was on the nice list. Let's see what Santa's note says..."

(Because, you know, Santa is all polite and leaves thank you notes for the cookies.)

Aaron read the note out loud, editing into it that an elf "forgot" Mommy's stocking stuffers and Santa will return later after his trip back to the North Pole.

Griffin turned around and exclaimed, "Mommy! You're not on the Naughty List! And! And! That elf is going to get DISCIPLINED!"

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Introducing Sicky McSickerson and the Nasty Noses!

Bhah. Cough, cough. We'b ven tick. I onlee have de nergy to layb about ve house and watt teebee anb worry about ve holly daze.

Cough, cough.

Karba iv gibbing be a vig tick in dee assh.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I'm About to Cry for a Very Ridiculous Reason...

... I can't find a gluten free ham.

Happy Fucking Holidays to you too, Universe.

Christmas Story

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

Friday, December 16, 2005


Okay, I've been Meme'd. I think. Anyway, Marsha, here you go...

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Raise my kids so they are healthy and not too emotionally scarred
2. Buy a few acres and build a house
3. Publish a cookbook
4. Travel to Greece
5. Get down to and maintain a healthy weight
6. Start a profitable home-based business
7. Get out of debt

Seven things I can (or will) not do:
1. Eat wheat/gluten
2. Knowingly let my kids eat wheat/gluten
3. Ignore my children's medical needs despite not having money
4. Do something that would not put my life, or the life of my kids or husband, in jeopardy
5. Not fight an illness
6. Vote Republican
7. Stop learning

Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. Nerdy-ness
2. Taste in music
3. Ability to stand up for what he believes in (including me)
4. Humor
5. Intelligence
6. Desire to have strong family ties
7. The way he rubs my thumb when we hold hands

Seven things I say most often:
1. Griffin! Get. In. Your. Thinking. Chair. Now!
2. Is that appropriate behavior?
3. Hey - I wipe ass for a living!
4. Darwin, just because I'm giving your brother attention doesn't mean you need to bogart Mommy right now.
5. Where's my lovin'?
6. When are you coming home?
7. Love you

Seven books (or series) I love:
1. Anything written by Toni Morrison (especially Song of Solomon)
2. Sophie's World, by Jostein Gaarder
3. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
4. Pearl, by Mary Gordon
5. One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
6. I Know This Much is True, by Wally Lamb
7. White Oleander, by Janet Fitch

Seven movies I watch over and over again:
1. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
2. A Christmas Story
3. Fargo
4. Where the Heart Is
5. The Incredibles
6. Star Wars - the whole damn series
7. Monster's Inc.

Seven people I'm curious about that I'd like to join in:
Meh. I only "know" three others who have a blog and I know at least one of them has done this already (yes, my loser-dom has just been voiced).

Thursday, December 15, 2005

At Which Point My Skin Flashed into Hellfire

We were such a happy family, sitting on the floor together singing standard holiday songs. Then, all of the sudden, the little precious preschool children began singing "Away in a Manger." Luckily, for me, Griffin did not participate.

He did, however, participate in the next song, singing "Happy Birthday to You" to Baby Jesus.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005


When is someone going to admit me to a mental institution already?

How the fuck does vinegar clean a coffee maker?

Why does the 18-month old INSIST of performing felacio on the holiday tree lights?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Another Reason Why I'm a Bad Mom

Griffin is sitting in his "thinking chair," crying for Santa to come rescue him.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Crafty McCraftersons

On Monday, Griffin attended a special art class at his preschool...

He made everything in one hour and fifteen minutes. His teachers, I swear, must be relatives of Super Woman. Geesh.

In other family news... Bye, bye Turkey Pillows...

Hello Festivus Pillows!

I finally got them all done yesterday, but didn't take the picture until today. And did you notice the snow? Gah. We're not use to this in Kansas. People are driving like idiots. Geesh.

Although the weather outside is frightful...

Inside is so delightful... doncha love my new rosemary plant? And the other view of the snow?

Okay, I'm gonna go cozy up to my children now. Its cold in here. And I'm all twitty and being happy.


Dear Lego,

Although I greatly appreciate your efforts in creating a non-Christian Advent calendar for all of us who celebrate the Roman heathens' wintertime celebration, is it necessary to give us an escaped convict?

Or, worse yet, a jewel-thief escaped convict?

Because, seriously, just because I'm not Christian, doesn't mean these are the values I want to teach my children.

Overheard at My House

Griffin: Who dat?

Me: On the radio?

Griffin: Yeah, who dat band?

Me: Oh, what is their name... I have one of their CDs from the 90s...

Griffin: I know who it is!

Me: You do?

Griffin: Yeah, Its "Stupid Taco and Daddy."

Me: First of all, we do not say "stupid"; second of all, that is not the name of the band. It is... Fountains of Wayne.

Griffin: Found Trains of Wayne?

Me: Fountains of Wayne.

Griffin: Found Trains of Wayne?

Me: Yes.


Griffin: "Stupid Taco and Daddy" is a much better name.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

And It Keeps Getting BETTER!

Got the call from the allergist today... Griffin's test results are in and - surprise! - he's allergic to stuff too...

... and a few others.


Monday, December 05, 2005


I can make a post, but I can't view my blog... WTF?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Damn You Trident!

This evening as I was making dinner, I started having bad abdominal craps. So bad, I couldn't even stand up straight. Then I started having breathing problems...

"Holy Shit! I must have had something with wheat it in, but what?" I thought to myself. I thought about it over and over, and realized that I had a piece of gum about two hours earlier.

Now, I've read that chewing gum may have a dusting on it to keep it from sticking to the wrapper and that dusting may contain wheat; I've also read that the FDA doesn't require it to be listed on the ingredient list. However, this afternoon, I forgot.

Hello, FDA? DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. I know you're all concerned about passing new and exciting antibiotics to make animals age quickly, approving patents on plants to be better resistant to insects that are part of the cycle of life, and padding your pockets from corporate farms and helping to drone out small family farms; but could you enforce the guidelines you have set out? What if I was so allergic that I immediately passed out dead? It should be mandatory that anything touching the food that we eat should be listed on the wrapper, even if said item was on the food, not in the food. Also? Every food should be required to use the label of "Manufactured in a plant that also produces..."

Now, excuse me while I run upstairs to use the bathroom again...

Friday, December 02, 2005


So, tonight was our second night of using the Advent calendar. Turns out Lego is all jazzed about fire this year...

Who knew that my red armoire would help the blazin' aspect so much? Mr. Firefighter, do your duty...

In other family news, here's an excellent shot of the difference in Darwin's eye (see early October posts for all the drama with that situation). It was taken right before bed, so the eyelid is a little more droopy that usual. But it is pretty damn open, pretty damn centered and not dilating for shit. But hey! At least strangers don't comment on it or look at him differently anymore!

My New Pretties

Ahh... my new fabric I order Sunday was delivered today. Now I can make new pillowcases for the holiday season for the living room.

I have one yard of the green stripe, and two-thirds of a yard of each of the red flower and paisley.

Now, my new dilemma is this -- how should I make the pillowcases? (I make 20" squares, with velcroed pockets in the back; each pillow uses about 19" of the full length for each pillow)

Do I make one pillow of each material and leave it at that? Or do I hodgepodge them together to make something new and exciting?

Oh, the dilemmas...

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Disclaimer: Instead of writing the Universe a bitch-out letter (which is what I really want to do after finding out that YES, Griffin needs Occupational Therapy for Sensory Integration Disorder and YES, it is severe, and that - surprise! - for once I'm not bat-shit crazy, but still really pissed off at the situation), I have decided to try a go at creating good karma. So...

An Advent Calendar for Non-Christians (because we all need to celebrate The Creationism that is Constructionism)... Actually, I am open-minded enough to have an Advent Calendar with Santas, trees and other holiday paraphernalia; I just thought it would be a good idea to let a three-year old pick out which calendar he wanted to do. So this year, to get us in the holiday spirit, we will be constructing constructions workers, buildings and forklifts. HapHapHappy Holidays! (Actually, I am rather disappointed I will not be getting to make pretty sparkly snowflakes and polar bears. Construction workers? WTF?)

For December First...

Yes. That would be a firefighter. To remind you to turn off your Holiday Tree lights, lest you want a visit from him.

As for the other child...

Darwin's getting to be a wee too much clever for his age.

Aaron? You can come home from that business trip. NOW.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Conversation with Griffin

"Mommy, you say 'Knock, knock' I say 'Who's there'"


"You say 'Knock, knock' I say 'Who's there'"

"Okay. Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Uh.... uh... banana."

"Nana who?"

"Knock, knock."


"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"


"Nana who?"

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"


"Orange who?"

"Orange you glad I didn't say 'banana'?"

"I no get it. You not good at dis."

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

New Obsession

It's suppose to be for making hot chocolate. But with its perfect curls and bittersweet goodness, I can't keep my hands out of the jar.

This? Is going to add up to trouble.

Monday, November 28, 2005


Why is it that the baby cries and fights when I put his coat on, and then cries and fights again when I try to take it off?

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Because He's "Witty"

Aaron's parents are in town, visiting from Michigan (and having a fabulous time, I suppose).

Lately, Griffin has found himself to be quite comical by farting on everyone within the immediate family -- me, Aaron and Darwin.

So today, he decided to induct his Grandma into the joys of being an immediate family member.

Except, well...

... Griffin misjudged and actually pooped his pants on her.

Oh no. I don't find it funny. Not at all...

Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Tinkerbell is one catty bitch.

Monday, November 21, 2005


I had to drag the kids out with me tonight so I could pick up some dinner for myself (damn that business trip). I was standing in line with 32 pound Darwin on my left hip and 43 pound Griffin lodged up under my right arm so he could watch. And then guy next me had the audacity to say, "You do realize you are just flaunting your fertility around, don't you?"

"If being a disheveled, bat-shit crazy, frazzled haired woman with two kids is 'flaunting my fertility,' then sweetheart, I've been flaunting my fertility all around town.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


My dad just did something absolutely horrible... he's enabling me to be a horrible parent.


Friday, November 18, 2005


Do you think Griffin is took out some aggression on me when he peed his underpants and made a soggy spot in the carpet that is SO WET a goldfish could live there?

Or was it his freakish three-year old way of telling me he wanted a bath?

Personally, I blame Aaron. Fucking business trip.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Apparently, Its All My Fault Our Children Are Defective

Today I took Darwin to a new allergist, who was highly recommended by our allergist. Our "regular" allergist has been stumped because Darwin is allergic to over 200 foods. So he thought D should see if any one else could shine some light on his condition.

Apparently, all the "new" allergist could say was that D's medical condition was All My Fault and that he's not authentically allergic to food because, seriously? Who gives a fuck if he breaks out in a rash and scratches until he bleeds and looks like a burn victim. That's not really a food allergy. That's a skin problem.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Good News For People Who Like Good News (Oh Shit, I Better Have Not Just Jinxed Myself)

Darwin's left eye has been kinda open the past few days.

Looks like he's starting to heal from his accident (posted October 5th).

Oh, what's all over his face? Potatoes. Organic Potatoes. Mmmm...

Monday, November 14, 2005


I have been Little Miss Mopey ever since Saturday.

My Aunt has breast cancer, so I have volunteered to take my 15-year old cousin, Sarah, out on Saturdays to get all her stuff done. And to let her practice driving (and other than not knowing how to park, not going fast enough on the highway, not looking over her shoulders to switch lanes and nearly running someone over she's a rather fabulous driver).

What is happening in their family is breaking my heart. It seems like her other two kids (21 and 23 -- both boys are living at home) cannot pick up the pieces to help around the house. Like, rake the leaves. Or call roto-rooter themselves and clean up the mess. Or do their own damn laundry. Or make their own damn food. Or go buy their own damn food. Or use their own damn money to do anything. Its pissing me off, and its really none of my business. And I can't just storm in there and take over, its not my place.

And then yesterday Aaron left for a business trip. He might be home before Thanksgiving. Then, the Monday after Thanksgiving he leaves again for two weeks.

So I'm having myself a pitty party. And I can't drink any whiskey because of the wheat. Damn it!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Being an Adult

Remember when you were a kid, and some dumbass adult would run the vacuum during your favorite cartoon?

I just did that to my kids. Not because it had to be done at that moment, but because I'm evil.

Friday, November 11, 2005


Last night I had my third allergic reaction to the Mysterious Food since going on the gluten-free diet.

So I made a list of the dates and what I ate and came to a starting revolution: Ginger! I must be allergic to ginger!

And my revolution MUST be right -- I cannot stay out of the bathroom this morning. And (here comes the overshare)...

My poop smells like ginger.

Yeah, my husband thought it was hilarious too.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Don't Go Breakin' My, Don't Go Breakin' My, Don't Go Breakin' My Heart

Yesterday, Griffin killed me. Killed.

As I was unloading the boys from the van at preschool, Griffin's "girlfriend" and her mother parked next to us. The "girlfriend" yelled, "Griffin!" And then Griffin yelled the girlfriend's name.

They ran to each other with sappy love-themed music in the background, caressed and hugged.

Then they walked hand-in-hand all the way to preschool, through the halls and to the classroom together without Griffin giving me one lick of attention.

I knew the day would come. But I didn't expect this behavior until he was a teenager, or at least in middle school. Certainly not at three years old.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Skinny Bitches

I just got home from the gym (you know, working on "Project: Defatting My Fat Ass"). And you would not believe the skinny bitch who choose to elliptically train next me.

First of all, the gym was deserted. Deserted. There were only five people in there. Secondly, I was the only person on a elliptical trainer -- out of 26 trainers (yes, I'm a dork: I counted).

Anyway, this skinny bitch came up and hopped on the trainer right next to me. Not only that, through my entire workout she kept leaning over to look at my stats. Stupid Bitch: you have six inches on me and I have 150 pounds on you. Who the fuck do you think is going faster?

Every few minutes here she was leaning over. It felt like high school exams. I wanted to wrap my arms around my information to keep her from somehow cheating.

Finally, after 17 minutes of dealing with her bullshit I finally screamed, "Okay! You're winning! Stop obsessing! You're not competing with me! And if you were -- don't worry! You're winning!"

She just blankly stared with her perfect hair and perky teenage boobs and couldn't say anything.

She should have known better than to try to out Alpha me. Stupid Skinny Bitch.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Damn Hormones

I have two children. Two boys. Two very rambunctious boys. Two life-sucking rambunctious boys. I feel like I can barely handle life as it is.

Yet, my raging hormones are at the point where they are screaming, "Baby! Let's have another baby! Argh! Who cares that we have too much debt? Who cares that you still aren't getting any sleep? We want another baby!"

Damn good-for-nothin' hormones.

Saturday, November 05, 2005


Rock Chalk



Rock Chalk



Rock Chalk Jayhawk KU
Rock Chalk Jayhawk KU

Five Things I am Finding Scary Today...

5. 10-Year High School Reunions

4. The Doodlebops

3. Medical Debts (actually, all the debts)

2. The Kansas State Board of Education

1. Republicans

Edited to add...

Allergic Reactions (holy shit, my back is broken out in hives and it hurts. Hurts.)

Friday, November 04, 2005

Thursday, November 03, 2005


There are two types of Moms in this world.

Mom A made her children a healthy lunch, using the main four food groups. She packed it all in a picnic blanket and took the kids to the park for one last autumn day.

Mom B bought her oldest kid a happy meal and made him eat at home, at the table by himself, while she cried because all she can eat due to her celiac disease was a handful of nuts. Then she took the kids to the park to take her mind off how FUCKING HUNGRY she is.

Mom A talks to little kids she doesn't know in a high pitched voice, "You've got a treasurer? Wow! Look at your treasurer! What a nice treasurer!"

Mom B yells, "Darwin! Put that stick DOWN!"

Mom A runs over to a kid she doesn't know because he just fell down and she gasped! and ran! as fast as she could to help!

Mom B yells "He's fine. Darwin, get up."

Mom A is singing and clapping and just plain being happy the whole time she's at the park.

Mom B is bitching and moaning and complaining about what a horrible mother she is.

Betcha can't guess which mother I am.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Yet Another Reason Why I'm a Very Horrible Mother

This morning, while running some errands, we were listening to the radio. The Bloodhound Gang was singing "Fire Water Burn" and I, of course, was singing along unedited.

I look back in my little child rear view mirror and I see Griffin singing along and "raising the roof" with his hands. And then he belts... "We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn. BURN. MOTHERFUCKER. BURN."

Oh yeah. I'm a great role model.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Damn It

Why is it, when I have a fun day planned my children get sick?

Seriously, I've got Pukey McPukerson and his Vomiting Villain in my house.

Children are so overrated.

Saturday, October 29, 2005


So, Darwin has decided he's ready to talk. More than just "Momma, Dadda" and "Babu" (which is what he calls Griffin). He has learned a new word. A word to beat all other words.



He says it all the time.

"What's in your hand Darwin?"


"What did you just put in your mouth, Darwin?"


And when we are in Target... "SHIT! Shit! Shit! ShittyShittyShitShit! Ssssshhhhiiiittttt!"

... and when I dropped and broke something in Target, "SHIT!"

Oh well, at least he's using proper form.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Whatcha Talkin' Bout, Willis?

So, my doctor called me today (okay, actually his nurse; whom I love) to tell me I am allergic to wheat.


I am not the allergic person in this household. Darwin is.

Uh, nope. Turns out I am too.

So I am in mourning... no more cakes. No more cookies. No more pasta. No more bread.

What's that you say?

Whiskey is made of wheat?


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Snuggle Bunny

The one benefit of having kids is snuggle time. They curl up on your lap, lay their heads against your shoulders and sigh.

Then they fart.

And giggle.

And go play.


Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Pork Butt

Me: Did you just call my baby Pork Butt?!

Aaron: Yeah.... he's got pork on his butt.

Me: Oh. I guess this is the one time that its excusable. Pork Butt. Heh.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

If You're Big Enough to Tinkle Ten Feet in the Air, Then You're Big Enough To Put Your Own Clothes On

Griffin just peed.

E v e r y w h e r e.

I'm not kidding. It was on the ceiling.

So I ask you, is this normal?

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Holy Fucking Shit!

Today I got an e-mail from fucking Classmates that someone contacted me. ME!

Um, hello person? You totally rock. And I have tried to look you up in previous years too! And I'm absolutely convinced that you're life is way more interesting than mine. Because. Hello? Have you read further down?

My main employment is wiping asses.

Yeah. I became a mom. What the fuck was I thinking?

In any case, leave a comment and I can e-mail you back.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

All the Drama

So much has happened in the past ten days, I can't bear to rewrite it... so following are two e-mails I sent our friends and family.

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005: Darwin is in the Hospital

I'm sorry to do this over e-mail, and a mass e-mail atthat, but this is the quickest and most efficient wayfor me to let everyone know what is going on.

Yesterday afternoon around 2:30 the boys were watchingTV in the living room while I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I heard a thud and Darwin crying a little. A moment later, Griffin ran to me upset and said Darwin had a boo-boo. As I went to get him he started screaming bad. I picked him up to calm him down and Griffin showed me blood on the floor. It took a few seconds for me to figure out he was crying blood and I called 911.

An ambulance came to the house and assessed him and recommended that he did NOT need to go to the ER, thathe be seen by the family doctor later that day or the next day. They said he had a minor cut on his lower, outer eye lid and that his eye looked fine.

I immediately put the boys in the van and headed to the doctor's office. I called them on the way and they said our regular doctor was not in and they are swamped with other patients, so I went to the OverlandPark Regional ER.

Meanwhile, Aaron was at work and being kept informed of what was happening and he met us at the hospital.

The admitting nurse looked at him and said the cut was very small and superficial and that his eye also looked fine. By the time he was seen by an ER doctor(two hours after the fall) his eye was neither responding correctly nor did it look fine. He was sent by ambulance to Children's Mercy Hospital downtown.

After three tries and sedation, they were able to to aCT scan on his head and eye, as well as a proper inspection by an optometrist. The scans came back and his brain looked fine. However, behind his eye was ablood clot. By this time it was about 10:30 pm.

Darwin went into emergency exploratory surgery around midnight to look at his eye. An attending optometrist, student optometrist and student ear-nose-and-throat doctor performed the surgery. The attending optometrist came and saw us around 1:00am this morning -- and here is where I can't recall andthe details verbatim and I might get some stuffwrong -- and said that he has a cut on his outer lower eye lid and inner lower eye lid the clot was small and that his third ocular nerve looked "fine" however the clot was sitting between his nerve and his eyeball,which is displaced by the clot and unresponsive. She suspected that the nerve would die and Darwin would be blind in that eye.

I know she is preparing us for the worst but everytime we talked about a glimmer of hope the woman shu tus down.

Anyway, Darwin was then admitted into Children's Mercy to undergo constant surveillance and receive LARGE doses of intravenous steroids (to try and save the nerve), zantac (to counter balance the stomach upset of the steroids) and antibiotics (to prevent any infection).

Since I was not in the room when this happened, our theory is that Darwin was trying to climb on the couch (because he has just master climbing on the love seat,which is lower than the couch). We think he had a toy in his hand when he was climbing. Somehow, he fell and the toy got jabbed into his eye, causing the cuts. The doctor thinks that the toy might have also got underneath his eye and jabbed the nerve but if that did happen I would think the nerve would have shown signs of damage during the exploratory surgery. She said we are very lucky that the toy did not puncture his eye ball. (And yes, I feel fully responsible for this. If you want to blame anyone, blame me because I was not in the room.)

The blood clot is likely caused from the inner eyelid cut and the blood pooled under or behind his eye.

Right now, Darwin's eye is bulging and "hanging low"due to the blood clot pushing against it. His pupil is unresponsive to light. The attending optometrist visited him today for 30 seconds and said there was"no change".


He has been walking all over his hospital room (like a drunk little baby because he only has one eye working right now). His eye is swollen but he does not act like he is in any pain unless someone starts messing with his eye or wants to do something to his IV. Also,when he was walking, both Aaron and I noticed that his eye was opened slightly and moving in sync with his good eye. And he was blinking. And when he does cry, he is crying clear tears out of his eye. And it looks like the swelling/bruising is starting to go down. All good signs.

We have the highest of hopes that Darwin will fully recover from this, despite what the doctors are telling us. He is very young and and babies are quick to heal. Also, the steroids are being administered to help heal/prevent deterioration of his nerve.

The doctors estimate that it will take about a week before the blood clot will begin to break down and be reabsorbed into the body. Once the blood clot is out of the way and the eye reattaches to the nerve we will have a better understanding of his vision.

Darwin will be at Children's Mercy at least until Thursday. He will be getting another CT scan on his eye, but we do not know if it will be Wednesday or Thursday. Everything is up in the air right now and we are trying to handle this the best we can.

Again, the doctor thinks he will be blind in his eye.

We are taking their opinions into account, but hoping for a full recovery.

It will likely be six months before we have a ful lunderstanding of the ramifications of this accident.

The whole purpose of this e-mail is to give everyone the story so, hopefully, you can send Darwin positive energy.

I don't care if you pray, meditate, chant, do a dance, cast a spell. Please, in the way you choose to do it, ask the universe to send Darwin the power of healing and positive energy. We will appreciate every thought, prayer, etc. to help our son heal.

Saturday, October 1st, 2005: Darwin is Home

Darwin was released from Children's Mercy on Thursday night(the 29th) and came home. Everyone is very happyto have the family under one roof, and Darwin is extremely happy to be home. To commemorate the event, he immediately began climbing all over the couch.

Before being discharged yesterday he had another CT scan on his left eye. The doctors said the hemorrhage looked much better. Also, the swelling had gone down and his eye is getting closer to being in its original placement. Now that the swelling is down the bruising is starting to look worse.

The doctors now think he may have hit two nerves -- one is the visual nerve and the other one is a movement nerve that controls his eye movement and his eyelid movement. This means that not only are we concerned about how his eye will function, but also how his eyelid will function (it might be "droopy"). It will take six months to a year for us to fully know the outcome of the accident.

Aaron and I are still hoping that he will make a full recovery. Even though he has not fully opened his eye since the accident happened, when both the ambulance techs and nurse at the ER first assessed him, his pupil was able to dilate and his eye was able to move both times. We are taking this as good news, since the nerves were not immediately severed. Also, things could have been worse -- he could have pierced a major blood vessel or his brain; he could have also hit a nerve in such a way that he would have chronic painfor the rest of his life. From what we can tell, noneof this has happened and for that we feel very grateful and lucky.

Darwin is getting along fine. He acts like nothing is wrong and is back to his stubborn ways of constantly want to climb, jump and wrestle with Griffin (of course, Aaron and I are hovering and nervous, but that is to be expected).

Darwin will continue to be on meds for the next week. He will follow up with our family doctor on Friday the7th and with the ophthalmologist on Thursday the 13th. From what we've been told, Darwin will not have anymore CT scans or exploratory surgeries.

Aaron and I did save and bank both of the boys' cordblood from their birth, and we've brought up using Darwin's on him for his eye and/or allergies (for those of you who do not know, Darwin is battling chronic allergies -- he is allergic to everything we have tested him for including meats, fruits, vegetables, grains, environmental stuff, animals, etc. He is on a special formula that does not contain dairy or soy. He also has atopic dermatitis. He is currently seeing four doctors for these issues and we just got referrals last week for him to start seeing two more doctors and clinics in Chicago and Dallas). If anyone has any information on research using stem cells on allergies and nerves, specifically ocular nerves, we would really appreciate it if you could forward that information to us.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming. Darwin needs all the healing help he can get.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Conversations on a Friday Night

Backstory: Aaron is not good at home improvement projects, specifically plumbing; meanwhile, I'm hopped up on muscle relaxers and pain meds from the doctor...

Me: Are we going to put this table together tonight? We need to get the fucking box out of the way of the kids. They're going to break it or break themselves!

Aaron: Yea... I know...

Me: Well, its too fuckin' heavy for me to do it myself, otherwise I would have done it already!

Aaron: Yea... Okay

Pushing, moving, cussing of said box; ripping it open and dissecting the pieces.

Me: I don't think I can do this by myself; you know, I really try to pretend I'm a badass, but I'm not.

Aaron: Yea, I know.

Me: Jerk!

Aaron: Well, its true!

Me: Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. Way.

Me, putting the damn table together all by myself, while he read the damn instruction manual.

Me: I'm such a badass!

Aaron: Are you sure you did it right?

Me: Fuck yea I did it right!

Aaron: Huh. I guess you are a badass.

Me: This is so going in my blog.

Aaron: Oh shit. I forgot you're still doing that.

Me: Oh yea, that's going in it too.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Dr. Feelgood

So, yesterday? Not a good day. I do not like you yesterday.

The cause? My "Brain Aneurysm". Not that I really have a brain aneurysm, mind you: but my doctors keep testing me for one, or multiple... they are just convinced they are gonna find one in my head at some point.

And why, you may ask, do they think I have said brain aneurysms? Because I get desperately out of whack, chiropractically speaking, and must get adjusted. And the pain I experience, along with the weakness on the left side of my body, makes everyone think I'm having a stroke or I have a brain aneurysm.

Oh yea, fun stuff.

In any case, my family doctor decided it was high time to get me drugs for those days that I can't get to the chiropractor immediately. And those drugs? They are good drugs. Even better than whiskey.

And that's saying a lot in this house.

Saturday, September 17, 2005


So I for the last 40 minutes or so I have been drooling over cupcakes... and it just stuck me: this is, in no way, going to help "Project: Defatting My Fat Ass".

But it looks so good...

Friday, September 16, 2005

Overheard at My House

"Mommy! You're sunglasses have windows!"

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Knowing More than Others

Why is it that most of our friends and family think that:

A. We are not properly taking care of Darwin

B. The doctors don't know jack

C. Darwin REALLY DOESN'T have allergies, the tests are lying


D. He has "something else, I don't know what, wrong with him"

Now, I know they think they mean well, but most of these people live hundreds of miles away and only see us a few times a year. Or if they live close, they still don't even see us once a month.

But yeah, sure. You know more than we do. You know more than the doctors do. Okay. Because THAT really makes a lot of sense.

Friday, September 09, 2005

A Little Piece of Advice

When Sears charges you $110 to install a dishwasher and offers a $99 rebate on the instalation.... DO IT!

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Things are not going well lately, but I'm trying to cope the best I can.

Katrina has affected me deeply, despite not living anywhere close to the south and not knowing anyone effected. But yet I am having nightmares and guilt issues, and am constantly wondering about what I feel I could be doing if I were closer. My heart goes out to each and every person touched by this tragedy.

On Friday we think we got a clue to the "puzzle" that is Griffin -- his speech teacher recommended getting him evaluated for Sensory Integration Disorder. I read some information on it and it seems to fit him to a tee.

Today we took Darwin back to the allergist and got over 80 allergy tests and two panels ordered. We also got referrals to a higher allergist and pediatric gastrointerologist.

So... we have hope in our house. And I have hope for the south as well.

Saturday, September 03, 2005


Oh speech therapy is going fantastically, thank you very much. Being the incompetent Mommy I am, I forgot to do Griffin's speech therapy all weekend and we had to do it right before school this morning.

And the baby? Well, he's developed the fine skill of screaming bloody murder for not getting what he wants. I'm pretty certain Darwin has entered the WONDERFUL stage of toddlerhood.

Aaron, being the lucky bastard he is, is out of town on a business trip. We are going to start calling them "Daddy Vacations" in this house.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

With Cake, Balloons and Pumpkins!

Griffin went to Preschool Orientation today. He got a "party invitation" in the mail a few weeks ago for it and its all he's been talking about. This morning he asked if he got to go to his preschool party today I said yes, to which he immediately replied, "Preschool Party! With cake, balloons and pumpkins!" I don't know where in the hell he got the pumpkins idea, but whatever works for him. But after preschool on the ride home he told me its wasn't a real party "Becau-use they no have cake. No balloons. No pumpkins. Incompetent preschool."

Guess I'm gonna have to teach them how to throw a real party.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Take the Pepsi Challenge

My day was shit... at least my knee isn't majorly screwed up from the kitchen counter catastrophe. And so I get to go to the gym tonight.

In anycase, I took Darwin to have his hair test done... it took 50 minutes to get to that doctor's office; then I took the boys to have their hair cut... and it took over an hour to get there. I bet all that gas cost us at least thirty bucks. And I need to seriously stop treating the entire Kansas City area like its my little backyard because I travel everywhere here!

I finally figured out where the mysterious water in the kitchen is coming from. Its not just coming from the dishwasher door, noooooooooo. It coming from under the dishwasher. Yeah. A much bigger problem. So I guess we are gonna be spending some more imaginary money this weekend buying a new one.

Oh - and Aaron's leaving on an emergency business trip tonight. Fun, fun, fun for me.

So, I bet you can't guess what I'm putting in my Pepsi tonight.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

...Like a Dawg, Like a Dawg, Like a Dawg, Like a Dawg...

I've watched two hours of Kipper today, and I can't get the damn theme song out of my head.

Yesterday we checked one out from the library. Obviously we should have gotten two. I like the fact that there's no violence, hoping the positive influence will make a difference on the boys' behavior.

On a side note, I smashed my right knee into the kitchen counter Sunday when I was crossing the baby gate. Not only did I smash it, I raised the countertops with it. Its badly bruised but its now giving me other problems, especially with bending. If it derails "Project: Defatting My Fat Ass" I'm gonna get quite pissed.

Monday, August 29, 2005

All The Shit Darwin Is Allergic To

Just got Darwin's allergy tests back today, which were taken the 8th. Let's take a looksee, shall we?

Egg Whites
Beta Lactoglobulin
Green Bean

... and for the items I don't necessarily recognize...

German Cockroach
Derma. Pteronyssinus
Dermatophagoides Farinae
Penicillium Notatum
Cladosporium Herbarum
Aspergillus Fumigatus
Mucor Racemosus
Alternaria Tenuis
Helminth. Species
Fusarium Moniliforme
Rhizopus Nigricans

... additionally, it looks like he has celiac disease and some "Whey IgE" allergy.

And how am I coping? Not too well, but lacing my Pepsi with whiskey has done wonders.

Friday, August 26, 2005

I Am Normally Not This Busy

6:40 - 9:30 Do basic morning routine (which would take forever to type out)
9:30 - 10:40 Grocery Store
10:40 - 11:15 Put groceries away, get ready and leave for speech therapy
11:15 - 12:40 Drive to/from and Griffin attend speech therapy
12:40 - 1:50 Eat lunch, laundry, dishes, get ready to go to library
1:50 - 2:20 Talk to mother-in-law, who purposely called because she knew we were going to the library and wanted to talk to us first; discussed how SHE thinks Griffin needs to learn how its not his turn when SHE is on the phone.
2:20 - 3:10 Central Resource Library. Check out four books dealing with the letter "P" (puh-puh-puh-please), three books dealing with beginning preschool, one book about Star Wars and one DVD about Big Bird going to Japan which is so obviously geared toward 13-year olds, not 3-year olds.
3:10 - 4:45 Drive to, get adjusted and drive home from Chiropractor (because, yes, I'm insane and visit a Chiropractor that requires a 30-minute drive each way, on a good day).
4:45 - 5:40 Talk to my "boss" of the stay-at-home mom's organization I'm in
5:40 - 5:45 Find out Aaron is stuck at work, must pick up crop share
5:45 - 6:55 Pick up crop share, buy Griffin a happy meal because he's hungry AND because I cannot handle the whining anymore. Griffin eating his happy meal, being actually somewhat happy.
6:55 Panic, because - oh shit! - husband is still at work!
6:56 Decide to buy children off by watching Nickelodeon movie "Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius"
6:57 - now Bask in the silence of two boys watching TV. Yes, I realize I'm a bad mother. But did you see the day I've had?

Thursday, August 25, 2005

My Heart? Its Broken.

We have been having some "issues" with Griffin lately. "Behavior Issues" to be exact.

He has always been very rambunctious, hard-headed and haphazard. Personally, for the most part, I enjoy it and find him to be amazing, intelligent and fun.

But lately its out of control. He's hitting kids, wrestling and beating up his friends and let's not even discuss how awful he's been to his brother lately.

Last Saturday I had to physically remove him from the library due to horrible behavior. On Tuesday I was called back to the Kids Club in the gym to "give him a talking-to" about not hitting, and after that he still was hitting. Today, I was called back to the Kids Club and I hadn't even been at the gym for 15 minutes yet. So I packed up our stuff and we left.

And the clincher? If it keeps happening he'll be banned from the club. Additionally he's starting speech therapy tomorrow and preschool next week. This behavior is not going to fly.

And I feel like the most horrible mother in the world.

What is it that I/we are doing so wrong to make him act this way? When he gets upset he starts screaming "You hit me! Stop hurting me! You hit me!" when in fact, no one even touched him. He's three and a half, where is he getting this erratic behavior from?

So I decided to take him to the doctor in the slightest case that he has an ear infection (he doesn't) and to get some sort of recommendation for new discipline tactics.

And do you know what the doctor recommended? A book (a Christian book) about how raising children is really like training them, like you would a dog. A DOG.

But okay. Its Christian. I think I can handle that. Its about training. Okay, I can handle that. Its like training my kid as if he were a dog. Um... kay. Guess that makes sense, considering I use to make him wear a harness and I told him to pretend he was a puppy (the harness? It was a necessity after running into the street AND jumping into a lake on the same day).

So maybe it will work. Because something has to. My heart is broken because my child is becoming a person that no one wants around. And I know I do not want that, and I know he doesn't either. The worst part is he get so excited about being around other kids he doesn't know how to harness his energy.

I just hope I'm able to help him soon.

Monday, August 22, 2005


Last night I managed to immediately blister the roof of my mouth by eating a piece of roasted potato straight from the oven.

I had thought I let it cool enough, but I was wrong. After immediately blistering it pealed and now its a raw, swollen piece of flesh my tongue can't help but flick over and over again.


Sunday, August 21, 2005

Well-behaved Children

Seriously, that's all I want. For my kids to be well-behaved.

I had to pick Griffin up and carry him out of the library yesterday kicking and screaming. Why? Because he was wrestling the other kids.

Darwin keeps scratchingscratchingscratching at his feet. Why? I'm not certain, but I know it has something to do with his atopic dermatitus. But Jesus Christ! Could the kid make himself bleed anymore? We have resorted to binding his feet with expensive, expensive non-latex stuff and that little bugger is still figuring out how to get it off so he can scratchscratchscratch some more. I know he's only 14 months old (today! in fact), but when will he be old enough to stop this self-destructive behavior? Eighteen? If I'm lucky?

Am I asking too much?

Thursday, August 18, 2005

No Appropriate Behavior

Why "No Appropriate Behavior"?

Because that's how my three-year-old, Griffin, says "Inappropriate Behavior".

That and the fact that "Inappropriate Behavior" was actually taken.