Saturday, December 31, 2005

2005 Sucked Ass

2005 was not a good year for us; we are one happy family that this year is over.

Tomorrow we shall be dining on black eyed peas (for good luck) and ham (for they push their snouts forward in the dirt); additionally, we will not be having any chicken (because they scratch the dirt backwards).

Hey! We need all the help we can get to make 2006 a fantabulous year.

May you and your family have a Happy New Year as well!

Friday, December 30, 2005

Its About Fucking Time

Looks like the FDA is starting to be proactive for all of those with food allergies:

Beginning Jan. 1, food makers are required by law to label in "plain language" the eight allergen groups: tree nuts (including almonds, walnuts, and pecans), milk, eggs, fish, crustacean shellfish, peanuts, soybeans and wheat. Labels must either use parentheses to clarify that, for instance, "whey" or "casein" is a milk product, or must note at the end of the list that the product "contains" a specific allergen.

And, even working on changing labels to help those with celiac disease:

For millions of people, gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye, triggers an autoimmune reaction, attacking the small intestine. Sometime before August 2006, the FDA will issue a proposal to allow voluntarily use of the words "gluten free" on food labels, though the rule isn't likely to be finalized until 2008. But companies already are using their own definitions to label products as "gluten-free."

You can read the whole article here.

I just hope that the FDA regulates mono- and diglycerides and other derivatives of wheat as gluten products, otherwise it will be a waste of their time.

Now, when are the restaurants going to join the bandwagon?

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Apparently, I Was On the "Naughty List"

Christmas morning, we all woke up and took the boys downstairs. Griffin was all excited that Santa had come, looking at all the presents and pointing to the stockings.

"My stocking is full! Darwin's stocking is full! Daddy's stocking is full! Mommy's stocking is... empty?"

He whipped around and turned to me.

"Mommy! Santa says you're on the Naughty List!"

"I am not on the Naughty List! I was a good Mommy this year!"

"Santa says you weren't."

I whipped around and look at Aaron, who had an "oh shit" look on his face. He cleared his throat and said to Griffin, "Um... I'm sure Mommy was on the nice list. Let's see what Santa's note says..."

(Because, you know, Santa is all polite and leaves thank you notes for the cookies.)

Aaron read the note out loud, editing into it that an elf "forgot" Mommy's stocking stuffers and Santa will return later after his trip back to the North Pole.

Griffin turned around and exclaimed, "Mommy! You're not on the Naughty List! And! And! That elf is going to get DISCIPLINED!"

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Introducing Sicky McSickerson and the Nasty Noses!

Bhah. Cough, cough. We'b ven tick. I onlee have de nergy to layb about ve house and watt teebee anb worry about ve holly daze.

Cough, cough.

Karba iv gibbing be a vig tick in dee assh.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I'm About to Cry for a Very Ridiculous Reason...

... I can't find a gluten free ham.

Happy Fucking Holidays to you too, Universe.

Christmas Story

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

Friday, December 16, 2005


Okay, I've been Meme'd. I think. Anyway, Marsha, here you go...

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Raise my kids so they are healthy and not too emotionally scarred
2. Buy a few acres and build a house
3. Publish a cookbook
4. Travel to Greece
5. Get down to and maintain a healthy weight
6. Start a profitable home-based business
7. Get out of debt

Seven things I can (or will) not do:
1. Eat wheat/gluten
2. Knowingly let my kids eat wheat/gluten
3. Ignore my children's medical needs despite not having money
4. Do something that would not put my life, or the life of my kids or husband, in jeopardy
5. Not fight an illness
6. Vote Republican
7. Stop learning

Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. Nerdy-ness
2. Taste in music
3. Ability to stand up for what he believes in (including me)
4. Humor
5. Intelligence
6. Desire to have strong family ties
7. The way he rubs my thumb when we hold hands

Seven things I say most often:
1. Griffin! Get. In. Your. Thinking. Chair. Now!
2. Is that appropriate behavior?
3. Hey - I wipe ass for a living!
4. Darwin, just because I'm giving your brother attention doesn't mean you need to bogart Mommy right now.
5. Where's my lovin'?
6. When are you coming home?
7. Love you

Seven books (or series) I love:
1. Anything written by Toni Morrison (especially Song of Solomon)
2. Sophie's World, by Jostein Gaarder
3. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
4. Pearl, by Mary Gordon
5. One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
6. I Know This Much is True, by Wally Lamb
7. White Oleander, by Janet Fitch

Seven movies I watch over and over again:
1. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
2. A Christmas Story
3. Fargo
4. Where the Heart Is
5. The Incredibles
6. Star Wars - the whole damn series
7. Monster's Inc.

Seven people I'm curious about that I'd like to join in:
Meh. I only "know" three others who have a blog and I know at least one of them has done this already (yes, my loser-dom has just been voiced).

Thursday, December 15, 2005

At Which Point My Skin Flashed into Hellfire

We were such a happy family, sitting on the floor together singing standard holiday songs. Then, all of the sudden, the little precious preschool children began singing "Away in a Manger." Luckily, for me, Griffin did not participate.

He did, however, participate in the next song, singing "Happy Birthday to You" to Baby Jesus.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005


When is someone going to admit me to a mental institution already?

How the fuck does vinegar clean a coffee maker?

Why does the 18-month old INSIST of performing felacio on the holiday tree lights?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Another Reason Why I'm a Bad Mom

Griffin is sitting in his "thinking chair," crying for Santa to come rescue him.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Crafty McCraftersons

On Monday, Griffin attended a special art class at his preschool...

He made everything in one hour and fifteen minutes. His teachers, I swear, must be relatives of Super Woman. Geesh.

In other family news... Bye, bye Turkey Pillows...

Hello Festivus Pillows!

I finally got them all done yesterday, but didn't take the picture until today. And did you notice the snow? Gah. We're not use to this in Kansas. People are driving like idiots. Geesh.

Although the weather outside is frightful...

Inside is so delightful... doncha love my new rosemary plant? And the other view of the snow?

Okay, I'm gonna go cozy up to my children now. Its cold in here. And I'm all twitty and being happy.


Dear Lego,

Although I greatly appreciate your efforts in creating a non-Christian Advent calendar for all of us who celebrate the Roman heathens' wintertime celebration, is it necessary to give us an escaped convict?

Or, worse yet, a jewel-thief escaped convict?

Because, seriously, just because I'm not Christian, doesn't mean these are the values I want to teach my children.

Overheard at My House

Griffin: Who dat?

Me: On the radio?

Griffin: Yeah, who dat band?

Me: Oh, what is their name... I have one of their CDs from the 90s...

Griffin: I know who it is!

Me: You do?

Griffin: Yeah, Its "Stupid Taco and Daddy."

Me: First of all, we do not say "stupid"; second of all, that is not the name of the band. It is... Fountains of Wayne.

Griffin: Found Trains of Wayne?

Me: Fountains of Wayne.

Griffin: Found Trains of Wayne?

Me: Yes.


Griffin: "Stupid Taco and Daddy" is a much better name.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

And It Keeps Getting BETTER!

Got the call from the allergist today... Griffin's test results are in and - surprise! - he's allergic to stuff too...

... and a few others.


Monday, December 05, 2005


I can make a post, but I can't view my blog... WTF?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Damn You Trident!

This evening as I was making dinner, I started having bad abdominal craps. So bad, I couldn't even stand up straight. Then I started having breathing problems...

"Holy Shit! I must have had something with wheat it in, but what?" I thought to myself. I thought about it over and over, and realized that I had a piece of gum about two hours earlier.

Now, I've read that chewing gum may have a dusting on it to keep it from sticking to the wrapper and that dusting may contain wheat; I've also read that the FDA doesn't require it to be listed on the ingredient list. However, this afternoon, I forgot.

Hello, FDA? DO YOUR FUCKING JOB. I know you're all concerned about passing new and exciting antibiotics to make animals age quickly, approving patents on plants to be better resistant to insects that are part of the cycle of life, and padding your pockets from corporate farms and helping to drone out small family farms; but could you enforce the guidelines you have set out? What if I was so allergic that I immediately passed out dead? It should be mandatory that anything touching the food that we eat should be listed on the wrapper, even if said item was on the food, not in the food. Also? Every food should be required to use the label of "Manufactured in a plant that also produces..."

Now, excuse me while I run upstairs to use the bathroom again...

Friday, December 02, 2005


So, tonight was our second night of using the Advent calendar. Turns out Lego is all jazzed about fire this year...

Who knew that my red armoire would help the blazin' aspect so much? Mr. Firefighter, do your duty...

In other family news, here's an excellent shot of the difference in Darwin's eye (see early October posts for all the drama with that situation). It was taken right before bed, so the eyelid is a little more droopy that usual. But it is pretty damn open, pretty damn centered and not dilating for shit. But hey! At least strangers don't comment on it or look at him differently anymore!

My New Pretties

Ahh... my new fabric I order Sunday was delivered today. Now I can make new pillowcases for the holiday season for the living room.

I have one yard of the green stripe, and two-thirds of a yard of each of the red flower and paisley.

Now, my new dilemma is this -- how should I make the pillowcases? (I make 20" squares, with velcroed pockets in the back; each pillow uses about 19" of the full length for each pillow)

Do I make one pillow of each material and leave it at that? Or do I hodgepodge them together to make something new and exciting?

Oh, the dilemmas...

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Disclaimer: Instead of writing the Universe a bitch-out letter (which is what I really want to do after finding out that YES, Griffin needs Occupational Therapy for Sensory Integration Disorder and YES, it is severe, and that - surprise! - for once I'm not bat-shit crazy, but still really pissed off at the situation), I have decided to try a go at creating good karma. So...

An Advent Calendar for Non-Christians (because we all need to celebrate The Creationism that is Constructionism)... Actually, I am open-minded enough to have an Advent Calendar with Santas, trees and other holiday paraphernalia; I just thought it would be a good idea to let a three-year old pick out which calendar he wanted to do. So this year, to get us in the holiday spirit, we will be constructing constructions workers, buildings and forklifts. HapHapHappy Holidays! (Actually, I am rather disappointed I will not be getting to make pretty sparkly snowflakes and polar bears. Construction workers? WTF?)

For December First...

Yes. That would be a firefighter. To remind you to turn off your Holiday Tree lights, lest you want a visit from him.

As for the other child...

Darwin's getting to be a wee too much clever for his age.

Aaron? You can come home from that business trip. NOW.