Monday, March 31, 2008

You Better Run, You Better Hide

If you haven't seen Super Bad, this may make no sense. So in that event, you may want to watch this clip.... but be warned it may not be safe work work or children.

"Wow. That Seth is fucked up."


"Because. He drew pictures of penises. All the time."

"So? I drew pictures of boobies all through second grade."

"You did what?"

"I drew pictures of boobies. At school. Haven't I told you this before?"

"Uh.... no. No, Laura, you haven't."

"Oh. I drew boobies. And I gave them to the boys at my table."

::blink, blink::

"And then one day, the teacher found some that one of the boys had saved up. And he got in trouble. Sent to the principal's office and everything. And then the boy told them I drew them and no one believed him. And then I stopped drawing them."


"Yeah. Duh. Didn't I just explain that?"

"So... you were just as fucked up as Seth then?"

"Well, I didn't draw any pictures of vaginas so I wouldn't say I was as bad."

"Why didn't you draw any pictures of vaginas?"

"'Cause I didn't know what they looked like AND IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME."

Friday, March 28, 2008

Quit My Job, Flipped Off the Boss, Took My Name Off the Payroll (Screw You Man)

If ever there was a day to quit parenting, man, I tell ya -- today would be a good day to do it.

Report Card Day. I fucking hate report card day.

It's like a glowing neon sign from Griffin's teacher going on and on and on about how she thinks he's a fuck up.

In all honesty yeah, he can do better but come one -- most of these words she tests him on he's never seen. And "punts" -- what kind of kid do you think we're raising here lady? WE'RE NERDS. I barely know what "punts" mean. Shit.

So, buckle down it is. She claims he doesn't even know all the whole alphabet. He does, until you give him independent work. I've spent the last hour listening to "Mom, what comes after S?" "Mom, what comes after T?" Oh my hell, are you kidding me?

So, to all my homeschooling sisters, advice please. We're going to keep him in the public school district but supplement (a shit load) at home. Help me, please.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Well, I Guess This is Growing Up

"Hey Mom? How many more days until I'm a grown-up and then turn into a kid again?"


"How many days until I'm a grown-up and turn into a kid again?"

"Um... once you're a grown-up, you don't turn into a kid again, Griffin."

::burst into tears::

And.... the crying lasted over an hour. Apparently, Griffin never wants to be a grown-up and never wants to boss his kids around the way we boss him and around and never wants me to turn into an old lady and never wants Aaron to turn into an old man and he never, ever, ever! wants! to! be! a! grown! up!

Is it the tooth? The ability to wash hands without standing on a step-stool? Going to school?

And how the hell am I suppose to respond to this? Well Griffin, you won't be a grown-up for a long time. That didn't work. Neither did that's not something you need to worry about for a long time, you know not that I want to dismiss his worries but geesh... I'm not going to promise him he'll never be a grown-up 'cause that means either he's gonna die or I'm gonna catch him smokin' the ganja in the basement one day when he's 20 and he refuses to have a job and refuses to go to college and he steals money out of my purse and I'm gonna have to kick him out of the house and then he'll be homeless and THEN WHAT, INTERNET, THEN WHAT? I can't lead him down that path with a little promise of him never turning into a grown-up.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I'm Rocking the Suburbs

How pathetic is it that decapitating my gluten-free dark chocolate bunny is the highlight of the day?

I got to use a steak knife on it.

I love being home, running the dishwasher and laundry. But it's the actual art of putting those things away that's bogging me down. And the big question: when do I get some sewing time? Think the decapitated bunny is qualified enough to watch the boys while I sew?

Monday, March 24, 2008

It's Good to See You, It's Good to See You Go

Right before bedtime last night, I was inspecting the boys' teeth.

Stupid sparkley sugared marshmallow bunnies.

Of course Griffin had some stuck underneath his loose tooth. So with the help of my trusty-dusty fingernail, I was prying it out and then...

... the damn tooth popped out!

It was a pretty anti-climatic event for Griffin. He was all, "that's it?" Yeah, dude, that's it. What did you expect, 76 trombones?

In any case, the tooth fairy visited (and left a baggie of coins!) and the redness is no longer red (thank goodness) and now the constant questions of "when's my GROWN UP tooth coming in, Mom?" have arrived.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Sweet Like Candy to My Soul

Home. Home. We are so happy to be home.

Once we got "south" enough away from Michigan, everything began to show hints of green. We spent two days in the car pointing to fields and screaming, "Green!" "Green!" "GREEN!"

Actually, it was this close to getting on my nerves but I really didn't care. We came from Michigan that looked like this:

To getting home and finding these gems in our yard:


{unnamed plant but smells wonderful}



{surprise lilies}


All home. All safe. All sound. Totally ready for spring.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I Really Miss You Much (M-I-S-S You Much)

Visiting is nice and all, but nothing compares to home.

What do I miss?

Whole Foods (lame, yes -- but I had to travel out of state yesterday to do grocery shopping and the pickings were dismal at best)

city water (how can my hair be oily and flaky at the same time? that's what I want to know)

Tuckie (I miss that badassmotherfucker, yo)

my bed

cooking with my pots and pans

being in a gluten-free home

my sewing machine

being in a pet-free home

people not having allergic reactions

ability to go somewhere without traveling over 30 minutes to get there

showering in a shower I don't magically break (dude, don't ask)

knowing the channels on the tv


my yard (is anything blooming out there yet ladies?)

lakes that aren't frozen


showering on my time schedule

having an internet provider that doesn't crash my computer (poor Aaron, the computer is still bugging out and Aaron's spending hours a day trying to fix it)

washing our clothes

sleeping in my bed

food, food, food, food and more food

working on the house when I have "downtime"

closets and drawers to put clothes away in

piles of magazines to read

my mixer

being on the computer without feeling rushed and guilty.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Put Up Your Dukes, Let's Get Down to it!

Yes, we're alive. We arrived safely despite the horrible rain and itchy hotel carpet from the overnight stay.

However, my laptop died a horrid, tragic death upon on arrival to Michigan. Something about expired anti-virus software and unsecured network at the hotel and vibrations of being on the floor of the van (please note: never EVER put your computer on the floor of a moving vehicle: LEARN FROM ME).

Lots of discussion about a ruined hard drive and yadda, yadda, yadda loosing all the photos and yadda, yadda, yadda not bringing the emergency back up disk and yadda, yadda, yadda, DEAD.

And I spent hours crying and mumbling about no access to bloglines and woe is me, my computer is dead and waaaaaahhhhh.

Aaron, God bless his nerdy soul, bought an external hard drive and worked some voodoo magic on it and viola, 24 hours my laptop is up and running.

Because, otherwise, you know we would be leaving for home today. Mama can't survive without her computer.

(Oh, the patheticness.)

Computer aside, the human species of the family is surviving very well. One slight reaction to some chicken (which was "hormone free" but not "antibiotic free" and had a list - list! - of ingredients -- raw chicken should not have a list of ingredients) but nothing too major.

And fun! Actually having fun!

Only issue with the fun-ness? It takes over an hour to get anywhere. But still! Fun! Nevertheless!

And! We are all alive!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Come On Baby, Take a Ride With Me

Today we are leaving for "spring" break.

I take that "spring" part very lightly as we will be going to Michigan to visit with Aaron's family. Where there's snow on the ground.

It's been a year and a half since our last visit, and although it is overdue for us to visit, we're all a bit on edge for the trip. Considering what happened last time.

Topic to discuss amongst yourselves while I continue to pack: how much gluten-free food do you think we packed in the van? Is it equal to, more than or less than the number of clothing packed in the van? Who thinks we can survive a week without any allergic reactions? Hands? Hands?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Big Red Tree Grew Up and Out, Throw Up its Leaves, Spins Round and Round

You kinda have to feel a little sorry for any dumbass who knocks on my door.

There's a sign, clearly stated on the front door, no solicitors.

I started this practice when Griffin was a baby and we took erratic naps all day and no, I do not want to install vinyl siding.

But! People ignore it! Seriously!

It seems to be more of the right-winged zealous religious groups that ignore it the most (I do live in Kansas after all) and whenever they like to tell me about the Lord Jesus Christ Their Savior I always make the wait while I call my son over because, seriously, doesn't his soul need to be saved as well?


"I'm sorry, what's your son's name?"

"Darwin. Like Charles Darwin."

"Oh dear, I'll pray for your soul."

"That'd be super. I quite certain my soul needs some prayin' for."

Today some poor sap rings my bell (you can ring my be-e-e-ell, ring my bell, my bell) (ahem, sorry) and wants to know would I like him to trim up that there tree in my front yard.

Another thing about Kansas: improper English

And I'm all, "You know what? I do not want you to trim it up but I'd like a quote."

"Okay, let me just go get-"

"And while you're at it, I need a quote to trim up all the trees on my property and cut down the elm in the backyard. Oh! And a quote for removing the stump. You know, while your at it, why don't ya give me multiple quotes like in tiers so we can figure out what we can afford."


"Quotes dude. That's why you interrupted me from cooking dinner, right? You want some business?"

"Um... I'm gonna... I'm gonna send someone else out. Bye."

The one time someone solicits me and I'm remotely interested they run away. Hmph.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Cut His Teeth On Turquoise Harmonicas

Griffin just came up to me, completely losing any of his ablility to hold his shit together.

"Mom? I'm really scared."

"Of what?"

"Don't be mad at me... my tooth is loose."

I about fell out of my chair. Loose tooth? Are you kidding me? I have a kid with a loose tooth?

After about 15 minutes of meltdown (on his part) and shaky hands (my part) and tears (both parts), I manged to calm him down and explain to him that his means he's growing up (sobbing on my part) and that he's suppose to lose his teeth (sobbing on his part) and really, it's all gonna be fine.

Really. Gonna be fine. Totally fine. No problem, it's all gonna be fine. Really, truly fine.

Just, how in the hell did I go from having a baby to having a child who looses teeth? That's what I wanna fucking know.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Got a Few Kids of My Own and Some Days I Still Don't Know What to Do

This weekend we had four boys (yes, four) to entertain.

Have you ever had to entertain four boys? Oh. My. Hell.

My friend, Kristi, and her husband had a weekend away (lucky bastards) and we kept their seven- and nine-year old boys. We made them do horrible and wretched things like eat vegetables and talk in complete sentences. We were mean. Really, really mean.

We also realized around 8am on Saturday there was No Way In Hell we could spend the entire weekend cooped up in the house. Nuh-huh. I might have had to start shaving some heads if that would have happened.

Being the cheap resourceful person I am, I decided we needed to take a trip downtown and take advantage of free stuff.

Hells yeah, free stuff.

So we threw (okay, maybe not threw but I was damn close to it) the boys in the van and headed to Kaleidoscope for some art makin' (note: Darwin loves the watercolor; huh, didn't know that). Then (then!) we decided to walk The Link (which is the skywalk connecting three buildings together).

All the boys loved it and it wore them out.

And it made them hungry.

And they ate all their damn vegetables at dinner.

Friday, March 07, 2008

There's a Little Black Spot on the Sun Today, it's the Same Old Thing as Yesterday

There's only so many ways to re-account everyday life.

Ran dishes, did laundry, fill sippy cups, cleaned Tuckie's habitat, picked Griffin up from school, ran more laundry, opened the mail, colored with the kids.

[green week]

But in all honesty, for me, it's those constants the ground me and that I enjoy the most -- yes, I enjoy doing the laundry.

What I don't enjoy are all the unpleasentries, the broken pipe, the meter guy, the broken back door. But that's what keeps me on my toes, I suppose. The little - or big - surprises that make each day unique.

I'm trying to roll with them. Really trying.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

With a Little Perseverance You Can Get Things Done

I've been diligently working on clearing out the boys' bedroom this week. Darwin, who's three and a half, was still sleeping in a crib and Griffin had over a dozen paper bags full of art projects just tossed into their bedroom.

I dismantled the crib, put together a toddler bed (which my awesome friend Kristi gave us), cleared out all the stuff (dude, you so totally do not want to see my bedroom right now), reorganized the bookshelf and ripped the carpet out of the boys' alcove.

Reason 1,593 I love old houses: alcoves

Reason 3: original hard wood floors

The floors are really, really orange. They have the original varnish on them and in the back of the alcove have some light water damage (the tub shares the left-side wall). I don't care. I love them. I want to go rip out all the carpet out of the house right now.

Aaron, on the other hand, (who so happenly got home last night) doesn't like the hardwoods so much. He complains that they are cold (wear socks!) and are orange (orange is pretty!). I might have to leverage letting him have the cave longer. Or just ripping them all out during his next big trip.

Other things we've been truckin' through...

homework [green week] -- dude, who knew kindergarteners got so much damn homework? -- and doctoring up a certain lemon cake recipe. Apparently, it's not "special" enough to celebrate a particular someone's birthday, as it "needs" a creamy center and streusel topping as well. Men. You'd think he'd be happy coming home to any cake (and totally awesome at that) after being gone for ten damn days.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I've Got to Get Closer But I Don't Know How


I could handle these god damn business trips a lot better if they had a definite end-date. What was suppose to be a three day trip has stretched into day nine and still still in the air of how many more days it will last.

And, trust me, children behave a hell of a lot better when they know for certain when Daddy's coming home.

Oh. My. Hell.

[green week]

Like Tuckie, I'm happy to just have my head above water.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Whether You're a Brother or Whether You're a Mother, You're Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive

Pets are a lot like babies. They can't tell you what the fuck is wrong with them, you actually have to pay attention.

Now, not to say Aaron and I have divided our duties into gender-specific roles, but Aaron and I have pretty much split up our responsibilities into gender-specific roles. He takes out the trash, I cook. He mows and takes care of the yard, I paint the house. He doesn't pick up his shit, I throw it in the trash.

You know, the way it's suppose to be in today's society.

So when we got Tuckie the Turtle last year, Aaron was all "well, I've had LOTS of pets and I know how to take care of aquariums" and I was all "whatever, dude."

So it pretty much came to pass that Aaron took over the majority of Tuckie's care. That is, of course, until he went on a business trip. I'd get super-involved and clean the tank (and when I say "clean the tank" I mean "CLEAN THE TANK AND SCRUB IT UNTIL IT SHINED LIKE A SPARKLEY DIAMOND") and when Aaron would come home I'd slowly relinquish the responsibility to Aaron with a lot of hurt feelings.

Over the past few months, there's been an algae bloom in Tuckie's habitat. Aaron decided it would be a good idea to get a goldfish for Tuckie to munch on after it ate some of the algae. Now, I've been bitching and moaning about this damn algae bloom since before Christmas and Aaron's been "handling it" so I've tried to not be psycho but when Aaron left on his business trip Monday and I began full-time care of Tuckie I realized the God damn algae bloom was on him.

As in, the turtle was covered in algae.

I also noticed he hadn't been basking and that's another cause of concern. So, I forced him (yes, I said "forced") him to bask for a day. Then I had a conversation with Aaron about it... long story short, we came to an agreement of changes. Both of us were concerned about Tuckie's health.

Being all scientific and stuff, we decided to get Tuckie a new habitat in the same size and material he was in but to get him a different basking thingy.

First, Tuckie gets removed from the habitat. He misses his water, but appreciates the algae drying out on his shell.

This is his old habitat. See the rock? Yeah, he shouldn't have had a rock. Also, you may not be able to see the goldfish but that fucker is big enough to fry for dinner.

In Tuckie's new habitat, I placed a new piece of wood (specially for aquariums), rinsed his old floating plant thingy and filled it with spring water.

Then, Tuckie jumped in.

Now, turtles are really crabby little bastards. Especially Tuckie.

But he sure as hell isn't acting crabby here.

Tuckie loves his new wood, and will even climb out. I haven't seen Tuckie on his rock in weeks. Now, I will say last night Tuckie got himself stuck trying to jump into the water between the wood and habitat. His face was in the water and his butt was in the air. Good thing I saw it and rescued him, he could of drowned.

And, of course, he gave me the evil eye for helping him out. Just like a toddler, little brat.

That, right there, on Tuckie's face? That's a big smile.

It's okay, baby. Mama's in charge now.

Questions asked in the comments will be answered in comments as well!