I'll Be a Big Noise With All the Big Boys

I just got home from taking Griffin to Kindergarten Round-up. And guess what!

I already made my first enemy!

Score!

(Admit it... you are proud of me. Come on... admit it!)

While we were waiting for All The Excitement To Begin, Griffin and I were sitting minding our own business when this lady person sat down next to me with her daughter. Then her friend with her son sat on the other side of them.

The person-next-to-me's daughter asked the friend's son why he wasn't having a cookie. The friend replied her son was allergic to eggs.

At which point I chimed in, "Allergies are So Much Fun."

And she responded, "Oh yeah. What are you allergic to?"

"We are all allergic to wheat, but my boys are allergic to tons of stuff."

And then the person-next-to-me shrieked, "Well, it's way more difficult to be allergic to eggs than wheat."

"Yeah. No, its not."

"All you have to do is use tons of rice flour."

"Actually, it's slightly more involved than that."

"Eggs are in everything."

"Really? Last time I checked eggs aren't in canned beans. Or in chocolate bars. Or coated on gum. Or added into spices. Eggs are not in cheese, or pop, or in french fries. Eggs are not added to sour cream as a stabilizer or fruit drinks. Are you sure? Really? That eggs are in everything? Because I KINDA THINK YOU ARE WRONG."

"Well!" ::sigh::

Little Miss Polyanna with her hair in a perfect ponytail and her perfectly white leather keds and mom jeans and Fourth of July sweater got all sorts of huffy and puffy with me and angled herself as far away from me as humanly possible while the principal talked to us.

As soon as she stepped out of the room, I heard someone behind mumble, "What a bitch."

And I quickly made a roomful of friends.

I'm a lot Like You, So Please, Hello, I'm Here, I'm Waiting

It's been a week since I've made anything and I'm starting to go crazy.

dogwood

I'm seriously beginning to realize how dependent I am on creating. Something. Anything. As long as once it's made, it's done being made. You know, not housework. Because that shit has to be done every day and is never complete. And that's driving me crazy too.

And yes, the only reason why I'm barely hanging on is because I'm writing here. I've discovered I really spaz if I cannot write. Even Aaron says so, "Woman, why don't you go write something and calm down."

Ahem.

I'm even noticing, though, that creating on the computer isn't cutting it. Of course, I'm sure that has nothing to do with my immediate gratification issues and lack of patience. Of course, I'm not really creating with my hands which means that anything on the computer doesn't quite have the same gratification as something real, something tangible. Something I can pass to another person and they can feel it.

Grrr... sometimes it feels like more of a curse than a blessing. What's so damn wrong with me that not making something makes me feel absolutely inadequate and useless? There's plenty of people roaming this earth who don't have the need, the drive, the all-consuming-obsession of creating.

My Hump, My Hump, My Hump, My Lovely Lady Lumps (Check it Out)

This morning I had to get up with the ass crack of dawn.


Which around here translates to 6:30 am (a-mother-fucking-m, people).

Griffin had an insanely early dental appointment because I noticed some dark spots and Totally Freaked Out and decided he needed to be seen As Soon As Possible because my baby! My baybeeee! My baybeee! Will die! Because! He! Has! Spots! On! A! Tooth! A horrible and painful early death! And he would leave me without having made me grandbabies first! Aaaaaiiiiieeeee!!!

And apparently, the dental place took my need for him to be seen as soon as possible to be translated to early in the morning, when civilized people ARE STILL ASLEEP.

Time is a River Rolling into Nowhere

I think I may have broken my children.


They are constantly whining, we're tired, may we please go inside and watch cartoons now? and all this outside time is getting to be too much. Wah, wah, wah, we are playing out side too much, wah, wah, wah. Woe is me, woe is me, fresh air and sunshine, wah, wah, wah.

This weekend we've spent lots of time outside. Which is actually unusual for us, considering our horrible allergies (and trust me, I'm paying for it right now with arm wrapped protectively around a box of puffs plus, with a gargantuan pile of snotty tissues in front of me; ahem). But this weekend I decided to throw caution to the wind.

Caution. To. The. Wind.

Walks around the block! Pulling weeds! Playing with sidewalk chalk on the driveway! Pulling weeds! A trip to Lawrence for me! Pulling weeds! Lots and lots of weeds! Eight bags of weeds! Walks to Griffin's future school! And did I mention pulling weeds?!

Of course this has caused a flurry of other problems (not just my new found obsession with boxes of tissues), as my legs have now also decided that seriously I need to lay the fuck off the weeding.

The muscles are all we hurt and stop this and why the fuck are you using us now?! and we want to sit on the couch. Wah, wah, wah, my muscles don't like being used, wah, wah, wah. Boofuckinghoo.

And right now? Right now Darwin and Griffin are looking out the window begging the clouds for rain.

So I've seen this meme around, stuff about Real Moms. No one tagged me, of course, but that's not going to stop me from participating.


Well, real moms don't mind when little boys pick flowers for them out of the garden.

Even when they are stolen from the school down the street.

Ahem.

She Couldn't Quite Explain it

"I'm an idiot. I stayed up until 3am last night."

"What the hell were you doing, Aaron?"

"Well, I was working on ideas for Griffin to learn his letters and numbers better."

"Uh-huh..."

"And then I was thinking it would be really cool to correlate the colors of the numbers to resistor color codes."

"Huh?"

"To color the numbers, zero through nine, to the resistor color codes. Because, you know, Griffin needs to learn that too."

"Yeah. A five year old really needs to learn electrical wiring shit along with his letters and numbers."

"Hey, don't make fun of me. The sooner he has exposure, the better. How else are we gonna raise mega-nerds?"

You Think You've Got the Right, But I Think You've Got it Wrong

Yesterday the fabulous and wonderful Alicia, who lives just down the road, posted that her neighbor's magnolia tree was flowering.

My head started tick-tick-ticking because that's not a magnolia tree, that's a tulip tree.

So I was all set to leave her a snarky comment (which seems to be my calling this week, as I left Kirsten comment about what kind of sexual favor she'd want to get some of her awesome robot patches and she verbally spanked kindly reminded me that her mother reads her blog and would I please mind my language and why in fuck's name the world was my linky goodness not updated, because didn't she rock too? To which I replied of course you rock and quickly updated all of my Others Who Rock as to get out of providing any sexual favors for some patches because I? Actually don't swing that way. Sorry ladies), but before I did I decided to make sure I was right before doing so.

It's okay to make an ass of myself on my own site. But someone else's? Nuh-huh.

Turns out we are both right.

my neighbor's tree, Alicia and I both have awesome neighbors with good tastes in trees

These are in the magnolia family, also called magnolia saucer trees. They are also referred to as tulip trees.

Which gets rather confusing, because the lirodendron is also called a tulip tree. And guess what! It is also in the magnolia family. And guess what else! Alicia has one in her backyard!

Call me an excited gardening nerd. Learning is fun.

who's the pretty lilac? who's the pretty lilac? you are! you are!

I've been trying to document the garden a lot this spring, as I hope to plant a ton of spring bulbs this fall. And by fall my yard is a jungle.

friday lego love

Follow the Lines and Wonder Why There's No Connection

Thirty comments yesterday and I didn't have to perform any sexual favors?

Awesome.

And, thanks!

All week the four of us have been suffering from some sort of allergy-induced feverish bullshit that has pretty much rendered us boring snot-infested slobs (which we are blaming on the greenhouse, the new family escape goat). To help the matter, it's been fabulously dark, cloudy and rainy which I love, but makes for no photography because everything turns out looking blurry. Which? Blech.

And? This has been dubbed the most awesome spring break ever. Wearing pajamas everyday, curled up with a box of puffs plus and quarantined from the world.

(That? Right there? Is called sarcasm.)


In case you haven't noticed, I haven't talked about the Aquasaurs in a while. That's because there weren't any. One day there were eight things alive, the next day nada.

A few days ago Aaron threw some more eggs stuff in there and now there are all sorts of stuff swimming around in there. Really, very, horribly disgusting.

Once again, they look like sperm. Two-eyed sperm. With fork tails. And they don't swim straight, so when they move really fast they look like dysfunctional sperm that have no chance in hell of ever finding the egg.

It's Gonna Take a lot to Drag Me Away From You

Am I the only person having troubles with blogger lately? (Oh my heavenly fuck, blogger now recognizes "blogger" as a word! AMAZING.)

I've been unable to post, leave comments and WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE FOUR HOURS I SPENT YESTERDAY TRYING TO UPLOAD MY NEW BANNER, which included lots of fists shaking in the air and proclamations of blogger being a cocksuckity cocksucker.

Ahem.

And bloglines doesn't seem to be working all that well for me either. Both of my feeds that I'm subscribed to haven't been showing my last two posts (yes, I'm subscribed to two of my feeds. What? You aren't subscribed to two of your feeds?). Which, of course, likely means it's not going to show this post and then I'm going to continue to suffer from High Comment Withdraw, side effects include less than 15 comments, constantly hitting the "refresh" button and feeling like a high school girl rejected for never being invited to a dance.

(And trust me, I know what that feels like. High school boys could never handle this.)

So, yeah. My life is exciting.

If you count cursing at the computer and wiping children's allergenic noses exciting. And watching tons of SpongeBob SquarePants. And drinking tea.

But hey! At least I finally scrapped yesterday after my six month sabbatical. So you all may very well be bored to death with oooohhhhing and aaahhhing over pages if my life doesn't get more exciting soon.

I Came to Get Down, I Came to Get Down, So Get Out Your Seat and Jump Around

So. Yesterday.

Yeah, yesterday.

Aaron went outside around lunch time to "work on stuff." I try to give him lots of time to "work on stuff" even though a lot of that time is spent staring off into space or raking when he should be mowing or edging when he should be raking or trimming branches when he should be inside watching the kids so I can sew or so we could have a nooner.

Point: I give Aaron lots of time to "work on stuff."

After he was outside for four hours and while I was downstairs doing laundry, I noticed Aaron pulling a support stud off the greenhouse.

Of course, this caused me to zip upstairs, grab the camera and head outside.

He tried pulling studs but then decided to leave them, then he wrapped a hose around a stud and that didn't work. Then he tried wedging something between the greenhouse and the house and that made the greenhouse tip towards the house, so then he had to put supports around it. Then he grabbed an electrical wire for one of the heaters, pulled on that and made the greenhouse dance back and forth.

The greenhouse boogied.

But Aaron was afraid it would dance itself into the garden. So then he removed another stud and starting throwing the stud at another weight-supporting stud.


I can't make this shit up.

So then he ran inside to get me the camcorder (which isn't digital, DAMN IT) so I could record him pulling the greenhouse down like this....


The actual Pulling Down The Greenhouse took about 30 seconds. I was outside for over an hour.

And Griffin wanted to do it again! and again! and again!

I'm glad it came down when it did, because look at our house damage...


HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Hold me, internet, hold me. ::sob::

When the Walls Come Tumblin', Tumblin', Crumblin', Tumblin' Down

Well Another Crazy Day, You'll Drink the Night Away and Forget About Everything

Spring break begins today...

Griffin's artwork, "Funky Guy with Bat Wings"

Which means no foreseeable breaks from the children.

cha-cha-cha-chia

So that means I'm going to have to fill all our time with stuff. You know, like a good parent should.

"copcorns"

But, as we all know, I don't know diddly-shit about that.

and, of course, legos

Good thing Griffin has a doctor's appointment today. Otherwise I'm sure we'd all be still dressed in pajamas at the end of the day.

Because, you know, that has never happened in this house before.

Ahem.

Look at the Way We Gotta Hide What We're Doin'

My mini-swap was received a few weeks ago, but due to postal difficulties we still haven't received ours.

Oh well. Sometimes that's the way life goes.

In any case, I want to share what I made.

(And feel free to oooohhhhhh and aaaaahhhhh. Okay?)

My swap partner, Malene, lives in Denmark and has three kids (two girls, one boy). For the two girls I made....

gray puppy with purple flair

white puppy with pink flair

... puppies (made with this free pattern from allsorts, enlarged 200% and using a half-inch seam allowance) stuffed with natural cotton and wool-felt eyes. The fabric brooches are on pinned onto felt collars, which have velcro for easy removal.

For her son I made...

... a little artist case (free pattern from Craft Apple) with orange interior (shown) and a psychedelic dinosaur print on the exterior (hmmm, I didn't get a good shot of that; damn!) (the same dinosaur print from Griffin's birthday blanket).

I also sent along...


... some thrifted books, American candies, a few little other goodies and...


... a magazine, some chocolate and a tissue holder for Malene.

(Holy crap, y'all. Did you see that I made softies? SOFTIES. I am so fucking impressed with myself, YOU HAVE NO CLUE.)

My Friends Are Just as Screwy as Me

Happy Nerd Day!

Okay, it's not Nerd Day but it is Pi Day.

π = 3.14159

Today is March 14th. Get it? GET IT?!

And it is also Albert Einstein's birthday. You can't get more serendipitous than that.

And the Backyardigans are singing their love of pie on Nickelodeon right now. (Pie. Pi. Get it? GET IT?!)

Oh, my nerdiness is never ending. ::sigh::

In other fantastically nerdy news, I concluded yesterday that Griffin will have to be re-evaluated for his sensory issues and possibly be screened for autism. Fun, fun.

Yesterday was parent conference day at Griffin's preschool. Granted, his teachers love him and only had glowing things to say. But I could tell by what they were not saying that Griffin is still delayed beyond a point of "normalcy" (starting to really fucking hate that word) and with Griffin starting kindergarten in August he's going to have a lot of difficulty with the rigid time structure and what's expected at him.

Of course, growling at the other students doesn't help either.

So in order to get Griffin the best education possible, he needs a diagnosis before he starts school (and with an IEP if needed). Because the last thing I'm going to do is knowingly send him to school without any help.

Being a parent rocks!

(Meh. Notsomuch.)

Edited to add: Griffin was diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder and "borderline" autism in the autumn of 2005, he needs re-evaluation before beginning kindergarten so he can have an IEP if needed. You can read more about our sensory adventures here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

And can I just say? Keeping this blog rocks. It's like a medial handbook for my family. Geesh.

She Said Babe You Know I Miss Jill and Joe and All My Funky Friends

What is it with spring time that makes me get sick?

I'm blaming daylight savings time for this.

crocus

My one, lone flower in the garden. ::sigh:: At least I know more flowers are on the way.

Despite not feeling well, I spent two hours outside working yesterday and I'm itching to get back out there today. Unfortunately, Aaron wasn't all that keen on getting me a porta-potty for illness emergencies.

He ruins all my fun.

Well Maybe I'm a Little Bit Slow, or Just Consistently Inconsistent

The time change is seriously kicking my ass y'all. Seriously.

And could someone please explain to me how the Energy Policy Act of 2005 (where it was decided that we would change our clocks in early March instead of early April, and back again in early November instead of mid October in the autumn) really benefits us in conserving energy? Because really, all it is doing is Kicking My Ass.

KICKING MY ASS.

Gah.

You know what else is kicking my ass?

Wordpress.

Wordpress is totally kicking my ass.

I've spent over 20 hours this weekend working on my recipe site and honestly? You cannot tell a difference. Oh, stuff is in there (no new recipes though) but I can't figure the shit out.

Back in the late 90s I knew all sorts of code, I built all kinds of different websites. Now I don't know jack and apparently I don't have the patience to sit down and read, read, read. Well, I'm sure I actually have the patience, just not the uninterrupted time to do so. Grrrrrr...

(Anyone have some easy-peasey tips for me? Anyone?)

Another ass-kicker (yes! another one!) -- I cannot find a place to order my curtain fabric. It is the Windham Vintage Euro Nursery Garden. Gah. Help me! Help me! (I keep spelling "hemp me! hemp me!" Do you think that means something?)

Aside from all the ass-kicking the Universe has bestowed upon me this weekend, we actually did have a fairly productive weekend.

If you count the greenhouse still standing "fairly productive."

Ahem.

Saturday the whole family spent the day outside. The boys played, Aaron worked on clearing out the dilapidated shed (yes, because everything in our yard that is not nature can be classified as "dilapidated") and I worked on the garden.

While clearing out the shed, which has broken doors and hasn't been opened for about six years, Aaron found a mama mouse and five baby mice.

Aaron freaked, Griffin freaked and Darwin was oblivious. The mama mouse ran off with one baby attached to her and abandoned the other four. We managed to find three of them and (using gloves) put them in a saucer so we could catch the mama.

Aaron wanted to kill them all, which I talked him out of (proud of me Kim?) since they were not in the house. I told Aaron we could just relocate them.

When we went to catch the mama and the last baby, the mama ran off abandoning that babe too.


The poor babies couldn't walk or open their eyes. They breathed really heavily and squeaked, hoping their mom would find them.

Griffin found the whole thing to be Very Traumatic. At first, he wanted us to keep the mama and all the babes as pets and was very upset that we said no. Then he was beside himself with worry that the mama abandoned her babies and never returned for them (we even saw where she scurried off to and placed the babies over in her area).

He was just beside himself with she's not a good mama and you'd never abandon me and Darwin and you're a good mommy, Mommy and why isn't she taking care of her babies Mommy? and you always take care of your babies Mommy.

This turned out the be The Topic Of Conversation All Weekend. Griffin just could not wrap his mind around the mama mouse leaving her babies. By Sunday morning the babies were still abandoned, but we didn't tell Griffin. ::sigh:: How do you explain such a thing to a child? That a mom was willing to abandon her babes?

In any case, the babes are there anymore (we have at least five neighborhood cats), all the pottery is out of greenhouse and into the shed and it was a very eventful, productive weekend.

And it is still kicking my ass.

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab, I Said No, No, No

Must. Sew.

Really, I'm pinning all my hopes and dreams on this weekend. I want to tear down the greenhouse (well, not me but Aaron), I want to sew, I want to scrapbook, I want to drastically update my recipe site. ::sigh:: There's never enough time in a weekend, is there?

vintage buttons purchased off ebay ::drool::

Anyone know a good place to get some awesome buttons. Anyone? Anyone? ::sigh::

It's all like crack, running around to get my next fix of awesome fabric, buttons, paper. ::sigh::

Is there a crafting rehab anywhere? Are massages included? Will they give me hours of uninterrupted crafting time?

You Can Breathe... You Can Breathe Now...

Signs spring is on the way...

surprise lilies

alliums

tulips

daffodils (narcissus)

freshly planted nemesia ("angelart fruit punch")

asthma inhaler

'Round and 'Round and 'Round it Goes, Where it Stops Nobody Knows

When picking Griffin up from preschool yesterday...

"Griffin has the sharing bag today."

"Oh, great! What's the topic?"

"The instructions are in there, it's sharing something his whole family likes to do together."

"Oh. Um, you should be pre-warned. Griffin may bring legos."

"No, something the whole family likes to do together."

"Yeah, Griffin will probably want to bring legos."

"It's something The Whole Family Likes To Do Together."

"Yeah, Griffin may want to bring legos."

"Some. Thing. The. Whole. Family. Likes. To. Do. To. Get. Her."

"Yeah. Griffin will probably want to bring legos."

Anything You Want - We Can Make it Happen

We had a beautiful day outside yesterday.


Which, of course, caused Griffin to call me "the! worstest! mommy! ever!" because I made him pick up his rock collection, which has be sprinkled all over the patio the past few months.

I know. I'm so horrible.

I also managed to re-stake all my peonies and put cages around the daffodils (some genius that lived here before us put a bunch of daffodils in the grass, which is of course right by the children's play area, and I'm tired of the boys "accidentally" stomping on the all the time).

I also moved all the glass that I could easily reach away from the greenhouse, as well as some pottery (no, I didn't step foot in there, I reached in where the glass use to be) (and I used my leather gardening gloves)...


... is it just me or is it leaning a few more degrees?

Is anyone interested in a couple of magazines (or two people interested in one magazine each)?

I have the March issue of Domino (the green-living issue) and the March issue of Romantic Homes (which featured Alicia's home).


I have even managed to not tear out any pages of the magazines. Be amazed! Be amazed of my phenomenal lack-of-ripping skills!

I'll send the magazines to whomever wants them (first to say in the comment that they want them, gets them), as long as they promise to rub them against their naked bodies and tell me how good it was. Mkay?

It Took All the Strength I Had Not to Fall Apart

Oh. My. Goddess.

The horror! The horror!

I have been unable to post for four days. Four. Mother. Fucking. Days.

But it's back. It's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

::breathe:: ::breathe::

And now, Friday's post that has been waiting for 101 hours to be posted....

------------------------------------------------------------------------

You remember how yesterday I was talking about our crazy weather? Seventies on Wednesday, storms, hail, tornadoes that night and snow yesterday?

Remember back a few weeks ago and I said that one of the major things I wanted to accomplish this year was to tear down our dilapidated greenhouse?

Well...


... turns out the universe thinks that's a really good idea. I'm surprised it's still standing.

Of course, I'm overly giddy that this is happening. Aaron has been fighting me tooth and nail over tearing it down, despite knowing that if we wanted to fix it we'd still have to tear it down. Seven years ago, when we bought our home, I said the floor in there needed work. Did he listen?

Ha. That's a silly question, now isn't it?

Now, my biggest concern is of it actually falling and smooshing some plants. It's perfectly aligned to smash into some irises and the sage plant, and possibly a rose bush. And I'd really rather not lose all the pottery that's in the greenhouse, but I'm more concerned about the plants.

But if you think I'm stepping one foot in there you'd be batshit crazy. No chance. Nuh-uh. No way.

My universal karma has always been crap. Which is deal-able. I've just learned not to test the limits. Like, walking into a falling greenhouse. No thanks.

In better news, I found some yummy fabric last weekend...


... that I think matches my house really well. It's got the khaki of my living room, the red of the armoire, the brown of the couch, the sage of the entry room and black.

I need to make new valances for the entry room to replace the old ones that no longer match.


But, does that look a little like under the big top? Because even though my home is a circus, doesn't mean I want to decorate like it is.


And I definately think it will look great in the living room. And those curtains in there have got to go. I've been living with them for seven years with utter disgust. Way too heavy, way to formal and way not washable enough for my taste.

So, what do ya'll think?

{weekend lego love}

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Having the "publish" button work is like crack. Yummy, yummy crack. ::sigh::

Falling in Motion as Though I Had Wings

For the first time since The Stupid Fucking Foot Incident, I took the boys to the park yesterday.

And what's the very first thing that happened when I stepped out of the van?

I stepped on a stick.

::shaking fists in air::

Before we left, I grabbed some sage from the back yard.


And I burned it in the parking lot where I broke my foot. You know, to cleanse the park.

IT HAD BETTER WORK.

The boys had a great time...


... it was 70 degrees, sunny and warm...


... and last night we had hail, floods and tornadoes. And now it's snowing.

Kansas. Geesh.