Monday, July 31, 2006

I Need to Move, I Need Wake Up, I Need to Change, I Need to Shake Up, I Need to Speak Out

Aaron and I went to see An Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore's documentary on the environment) yesterday. It was very moving, very inspirational and brought home a lot of my and Aaron's beliefs.

Our goal is build a solar-powered home. We want to own land and grow the majority of our own fruits and vegetables, based on the Safeguard Organic Standards, not the lowly USDA . We want hybrid cars. Of course, all these things cost money we don't have, so waiting it is. But in our everyday lives we still try to be as conservative as possible.

Anyone that knows me well knows that not only do I cook gluten-free based on our food allergies, but I'm also a stickler about additives, food colors, antibiotics, pesticides and everything else you shouldn't find in your food (Pepsi habit not withstanding).

I've said it many times, but the American diet is disgusting.

Do we really need mono- and di glycerides in fruit juices?

How about injecting meat for the market with hormones?

If we can make our own baked goods without artificial colors, flavors and chemically-made ingredients, can't food manufacturers make quick mixes without them too?

In my idealistic little world, if my cookbook gets published it's going to be more than a "here's how you cook gluten-free." It's going to discuss why you should cook gluten free (Aaron's not allergic to wheat, yet his health has significantly improved since being gluten-free. He no longer has heartburn, for starters).

So many people suffer from a myriad of health problems -- just general uncomfortableness. Are people not making the realization of the effects the environment has on them and the effects of the food (if you can call it that) they put in their bodies?

Are we so lazy, as a society, that we are willing to kill ourselves out of our laziness? Is it something else?

Sunday, July 30, 2006

I'll Tumble for Ya, I'll Tumble for Ya, I'll Tumble for Ya, I'll Tumble for You

I took my first step today without my boot.

(Smack my ass and call me a baby!)

And I nearly fell down. Not because my foot hurt. Oh, no. I nearly fell down because my muscles no longer work.

Damn muscles.

Stupid fucking broken foot.

Friday, July 28, 2006

It's Better to be Hated for Who Your Are than to be Loved For Someone You're Not

  1. My name is Laura Christine Capello-[hyphenated last name withheld because my husband would kill me, and no one wants that]
  2. I've been told that my mom picked out my middle name solely based on the fact that the word "Christ" is in it
  3. I was born into a very Catholic family
  4. My mom died when I was four
  5. She was 28 and had leukemia
  6. Turning 29 was a BIG DEAL for me
  7. About two weeks before my mom died, she told me God needed her more in heaven than I needed her on Earth
  8. At four years old, I thought that was a crock of shit
  9. At 29 years old, I still think it's a crock a shit
  10. I cuss more than a trucker
  11. And if you think I cuss a lot on my blog, you probably wouldn't want to meet me
  12. I remember the first time I said a curse word
  13. I was 12
  14. I said "fuck"
  15. I quickly gasped! and covered my mouth with my hands
  16. My dad quickly remarried, less than four months after my mom's death
  17. He thought I needed a mother
  18. We would have been better off without marrying that woman
  19. I refer to her as my "stepmonster"
  20. Yes, she really earned the name
  21. By locking me in closets
  22. And beating me with wire hairbrushes
  23. No one likes to hear those details
  24. But that's my life
  25. She was Southern-Baptist and made me go to church all the time
  26. I didn't like it
  27. And I would get in trouble all the time
  28. Because I asked "too many questions"
  29. I could remember sermons and I would ask the preacher questions because he would contradict himself
  30. I think asking questions is great
  31. My stepmonster had a son nine years older than me
  32. I was the designated condom-passer-outer at his parties
  33. My dad kicked my stepmonster out when I was 14
  34. On my 16th birthday she told me she never wanted to see me again
  35. That was fine
  36. My dad married Kathy when I was 18
  37. She's an awesome person
  38. And I love that she brings out the best in my dad
  39. I've never won a trophy
  40. Or a metal
  41. But I have won ribbons
  42. For art projects
  43. And math contests
  44. I was an honor roll student all through school
  45. I was also the photographer for the high school newspaper
  46. I wanted to major in PhotoJournalism
  47. When I graduated from high school, I was offered a job as a photographer for a local newspaper making a lot of money
  48. I turned it down to go to college
  49. I still don't know what I was thinking when I did that
  50. I went to a local community college for two years to save money
  51. I was the photoeditor for their newspaper the whole time
  52. Then I transferred to the University of Kansas
  53. By then, I was burnt-out with PhotoJournalism
  54. And the head of the department told me "they couldn't teach me anymore than I knew"
  55. So I majored in Advertising instead
  56. I put myself through college
  57. And have the debt to prove it
  58. I worked for the school's public relations department
  59. And I worked for non-profits
  60. And I worked for a home improvement store from the time I was 16 until I graduated college
  61. I love doing home improvements myself
  62. I met Aaron when I was 19
  63. We met on the internet
  64. We were on a newsgroup together (I guess that's what it would be called)
  65. I made a post to the group about believing in soulmates
  66. He emailed me and told me I was full of shit
  67. We fought over email for a few weeks
  68. Then started talking about other stuff
  69. Three months later he came to Kansas City for a visit
  70. Three months after that he moved here
  71. He didn't move here for me
  72. I was just "an added bonus"
  73. We moved in together when I was 21
  74. He proposed when I was 22
  75. We bought our house together when I was 23
  76. And six months later we got married
  77. In our backyard
  78. He's five years older than me
  79. And wanted a baby before he was 30
  80. Griffin was born six days before this 30th birthday
  81. I didn't "push" Griffin out
  82. I "coughed" him out
  83. Griffin is named after Aaron's grandfather, but his name is switched around (Griffin Lewis instead of Lewis Griffin)
  84. It was my idea (Aaron agreed)
  85. Two and half years later, we had Darwin
  86. Darwin in named after Charles Darwin
  87. It was my idea (Aaron agreed)
  88. Darwin's middle name is my paternal grandfather's middle name (Gabriel)
  89. When I yell at the boys, I use their middle names
  90. That must have something to do with my Catholic genetics
  91. I'm not Catholic, nor am I Southern Baptist, nor am I Christian
  92. Saying you're not Christian is like committing social suicide if you live in the U.S, especially if you live in Kansas
  93. I live in Kansas
  94. I don't think it's my role in life to judge others
  95. I firmly believe in karma
  96. I am very interested in sociology, and how people "work"
  97. Both boys and and I have food allergies, the worst being to wheat
  98. That's why I'm writing a gluten-free cookbook
  99. I am very blessed to have Aaron and the boys
  100. I love where my life has turned up

Thursday, July 27, 2006

We Went to the Phillie Pizza Company and Ordered

Some Hot Tea, the Waitress said "Well, No. We Only Have it Iced." So We Jumped Up on the Table and Shouted, "Anarchy!"

One month ago today I broke my foot. Stupid foot.

I'm really surprised at how much the damn thing still hurts. When I went to the specialist, they took me off my mind-altering drugs and told me to take copious amounts of Advil.


About a week ago I decided to start taking a smaller amount because:
A. I thought it didn't hurt that bad
B. I'm a bad ass and can handle the pain
C. I was starting to get a twitch in my eye from the high dosage

But it turned out that I wasn't really all that bad of a bad ass. And I'm taking Advil around the freaking clock.

Which brings me back to my stupid foot.

Four weeks from tomorrow and I get to go back to the doctor. And hopefully I can take the damn boot off.

The doctor said my break may never heal, but it shouldn't be painful and life altering.

I'm ready for it to not be painful and to not be life altering.


I've learned lots of lessons from this whole fiasco (listen to my gut when it says don't go to the park dumbass, slow down, be more attentive to the kids, let Aaron help more around the house..). And one of the lessons I've learned is that the internet is very generous.

Deb had a little give away of some surplus scrapbooking supplies she had...

... and wow! She wasn't kidding. The little tote bag was filled with ribbons, embellishments, mini-albums, stamps, magnets. And...

homemade hot pepper jelly (and it is so pretty!). Thank you Deb!

On the same day I received a get-well gift from the wonderfully talented Amy...

The tote bag is huge and awesome. And it was filled with magazines, note cards, fabric and candy. Thank you so much Amy!

And then this morning I received another package from Lera...

Who made me a bag and matching tissue holder, and sent each boy a drawstring bag filled with colored pencils, notepads and little handheld games (which are beeeeeeeeeping right now). Thank you Lera!

I have been so overwhelmed by everyone's get well wishes and gifts. Really, you all are so generous and thoughtful... thank you!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

And I Don't Like the Way That You Put Me Through Hell

(Oh. My. God. Blogger. Is it really necessary to take over thirty minutes to post a photo? Gah. At some point, I'd really like to post photos of the goodies I have received in the post -- thank you everyone! -- but until I can do it without waiting forever, it's not going to happen. I nearly broke the computer getting these two loaded, geesh.)

(And while I'm complaining, Yahoo Music? Your kidding me with this right? Throwing in some Contemporary Christian into the Alternative Rock, it's a joke, right? Right?)

Okay, the 24-hour stomach flu is over! Yay! Now I need a shower!

(Geesh, Laura. Overshare much?)

We are all doing much better today, all be it very weak. But, for some reason, only getting four hours of sleep last night and puking my guts up makes me decide to scrapbook. So here you go...

We R Memory Keepers paper and chipboard letters

Kaleidoscope papers (letters cut with QuickKutz using Kaleidoscope paper as well)

Oh, and remember when I submitted a scrapbook layout to a competition? I didn't win (not all that surprising, considering). But they have it hanging on the wall and really like it, they even told me they've gotten lots of great comments on it and don't want to give it back to me. WTF?

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?

Number of pukes I've cleaned up today: 5

Number of those that were mine: 3

Number of people with sore throats: 3

Number of people who probably has a sore throat but can't speak for himself: 1

Number of people running fevers in the home: 3

Number of kids who have unexplained itchy rashes: 2

Number of husbands who are at work, but had better take a half day off of sick time: 1

Number of people that peed all over the couch: 1

Number of cushions soaked: 2

Number of blankets dripping wet: 2

Number of towels currently on the couch soaking up the rest of the wetness: 3

Number of asthma attacks I've had today: 4

Number of asthma attacks I've had in my life: 6

Number of toes I can't curl due to nerve damage: 5

Number of pictures I wanted to include, but can't because Blogger is PMSing and needs chocolate and mood stabilizers: 5

Number of people who are SO HAPPY they visited my site today: 0

Sunday, July 23, 2006

And Now You've Given Me, Given Me, Nothing But Shattered Dreams, Shattered Dreams

I've been working on the cookbook this weekend (fucking cookbook). Today, I tried a pumpkin bread recipe....

Looks good, right?

Shit. Damn thing wouldn't stay together and became "chocolate chip pumpkin mush."

But Aaron said, "That's okay. You can make another loaf tonight!"


At least I finally have one recipe absolutely ready for publishing...

Steak Hash with Super Mashed Potatoes

I need a new fancy-pants camera, yes?

The difficulty with cooking gluten-free is that you can't use any shortcuts. And that includes what a lot of people would consider staples: soy sauce, worcestershire sauce, teriyaki sauce, anything that ends its name with "sauce."

And by not using these shortcuts/staples, you don't get a good paradox with flavors -- nothing tastes rounded out perfectly.

However, I have perfected it (at least with this recipe).

Which brings me closer to my goal:
1. Write Cookbook
2. Get Published (still don't' have a fucking clue on that one, people)
3. Be Rich (or, at least, get out of debt)
-- and if I'm really lucky --
4. Help people eat better for their health
5. Help change FDA regulations on food labeling
6. Help educate restaurants and food manufacturers and develop more gluten-free options in the marketplace

Huh. That's not too difficult. Right? RIGHT?

Aaron decided that, after his fiasco with Whole Foods yesterday, I would go to Whole Foods today.

I was drunk with freedom.





First, I went to the quilt shop up the road from me. Apparently, Amy Butler is going to be there for a big hooplala the first weekend in August. So, any Kansas City crafters interested in meeting her should give the shop a call.

Then, I went to Borders and picked up my bookclub book, along with a new cute pencil sharpener and Aaron's favorite candy.

But I can't have any candy. Because it has gluten. (Damn starch!) (Damn natural flavors!)

And, Borders? Just because you put a sticker on a CD that says, "$17.99 Sale!" doesn't really make it on sale.

Then I headed next door to Whole Foods.

I love Whole Foods. Really, I do.

But when they decide to fucking change their floor plan while I have a broken foot and make me walk up! and! down! every gawd-forsaken aisle, I get a little pissed off.

Actually, I get A LOT PISSED OFF.

I starting crying in aisle four when I realized I no long knew where the beans were. I was about to curl into the fetal position on the floor.

But I couldn't.

Because I'm still crippled.

So I yelled at every employee I could find.

None of them knew where the beans were.

(They were 10 feet down from their original location.)

And no one could explain why they divided up the chips. Half were on aisle six and half were on aisle seven. Sounds like great planning if you ask me.

And don't even get me started on the dumbass behind the coffee counter that tried to convince me to get some tea that I had an allergic reaction to doesn't have gluten in it.

(Geesh, Laura. Aggression much?)

Perhaps I should used my forces of the Dark Side to make my day go better...

Beware of Darth Griffin's mind bending skills!

Argh! Run! Run! Run for your lives!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

My Baby May Not be Rich, He's Watchin' Every Dime; But He Loves Me, Loves Me, Loves Me and We Always Have a Real Good Time

Aaron's list of things to do this weekend...

Perhaps I need to scratch out that title. You think?

And just to prove how we take our Star Wars obsession to the extreme...

This is our representation of Attack of the Clones.

I'm totally screwed.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Boom Boom, Ain't it Great to be Crazy?

Okay, it is Friday and I kinda-sorta have a WIP.

New wall colors! Yes! Because the entry room will never be done! Never! Nevah!

So I'm leaning toward the green on top. It is very mellow AND soothing (and if there's ONE THING my children need, is "mellow" and "soothing"), it is light enough to keep an eye on prospective water damage (could we please have one year of "normal" rain? we haven't had proper rain fall in over three years now) and it provides enough contrast to my white-woodwork obsession. And I've been watching it for a few days with all the different shadows and variations of sunlight (what else do y'all expect me to do?) and it looks good in all the lights.

(That blue tape has been hanging since September.)

(Stop laughing.)

Of course, before I paint I'll still have to finish plastering. ::looking at foot:: So, yeah, this project is going to continue to take awhile.

Oh, in case anyone is wondering, those green "paint samples" are scrapbooking paper. And, of course, the one I like doesn't even have a name. But both were purchased at Hobby Lobby.

Griffin really wanted to get in the photography action. So...

He's an ornery little bugger. And my hair looks like shit. And I'm seriously starting to get pale.

And any of my good friends agree: I look like crap when I get pale.

Portuguese and Native Hawaiian heritage + no sunlight = green skin

Green skin = I could easily play Elphaba

No photos of Darwin, as he is too busy watching Dora and screaming, "Back pack! Back pack! Baaaaaaaack Paaaaaaack!" at every question.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Soccer Mom Drive by in an SUV

Dear Blogger,

You suck.

Hate you,


Argh! I know I'm not the only person that had chronic problems with Blogger yesterday -- I know because I use Bloglines and there were little red [!] by every Blogger account.

And now it looks like all the Typepad accounts are on the fritz. Nice.


The heat is really starting to effect the boys, as is being cooped up all day in the house. I actually turned off the tv for the whole day. And that resulted in Griffin telling me to draw this...

And for Darwin to play in these...

And for me to decide to vacuum and move the couches around in order to do it.


Yeah. I'm insane.

Is anyone else tired of my foot being broken?

Because I totally am. I'm ready to sew stuff again. I'm ready to take the kids places. I'm ready to wash laundry. I'm ready to grocery shop. I'm ready to go to Target. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.

But I still have to wait five weeks and one more day.

This is seriously getting old.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tell Me Why Ain't Nobody Satisfied

Dear Universe,

Really, must you be so trying?

Must you have my husband call me in a panic over the potential of him traveling while my foot is broken?

(Thank you for not making him travel for at least two more weeks.)

(And you'd better make sure that happens, too.)

Why must my foot be broken anyway?

Why do my in-laws disagree with me over putting family first?

(Thank you for not letting it become a fight this time.)

And do you really think it's funny to have Griffin tell me that I will go to the doctor and find out I have a baby in my belly?

Because it is not funny, Universe.

Really, it's not.

You know the Earth will rotate off its axis and burst in the Sun in a flame of glory if I ever get pregnant.

Stop laughing, Universe.

And don't get any cockamaney ideas, either.

Why must my Frankenfoot scuff off the floor?

You know I can't reach over and scrub it properly, Universe.

Is that comic laughter I hear?

It's not funny.

Really, it's not.

Thank you for the time to scrapbook yesterday.

Even though you've thrown thousands of monkey wrenches into life and I'm over seven months behind.

Thanks a lot, Universe.

Please keep your own wrenches for now on.

Or share them elsewhere.



Monday, July 17, 2006

I Am One of those Melodramatic Fools, Neurotic to the Bone - No Doubt About it

I received some more goodies in the post this weekend.

More? Yes, more! If I wasn't in pain, I would start to think that having a broken foot is pretty sweet. (Actually, it is all the wonderful, giving bloggers that are so sweet.)

First, I received a package from Jenijen...

Lots of magazines, a book and music. Perfect sitting-on-my-ass-all-the-time accompaniment. (And can you believe she has four kids?! Four! The woman is a super hero, I tell ya.)

I also received a wonderful package of goodies for me and the boys from Angela, including....

Pelting balls -- she gave me permission to whack my children.


And this is Monsterella (like Cinderella, but monsterish). Monsterella has a broken foot, too. And she's writing a cookbook as well. Ah, yes. Copying is the most sincerest form of flattery. (That or the most sincerest form of stalking, you decide.)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have sitting on my ass to do.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Every Girl's Crazy 'Bout a Smart Dressed Man

I got out of the house today.

We got haircuts.

Normally, this wouldn't be a Big Deal, but since my foot is broken even checking the mail has become a Big Deal.

No, Griffin didn't enlist in the Army.

Neither did Darwin.

We just cut their hair shorter so it is easier to file down their demon horns get the sand out of their hair.

And the best hair award goes to...

My perfectly waxed eyebrows!

(Look at that gap!)

(It's a wonderful gap!)

(And look how my eyebrows do not merge with my hairline!)

(It's pathetic the lengths I go to in order to entertain you, internet.)

Friday, July 14, 2006

I Said a Hip, Hop, Hippie to the Hippie, the Hip, Hip, Hop and You Don't Stop the Rock it to the Bang, Bang, Boogie, Say Up Jumped the Boogie

to the Rhythm of the Boogie, the Beat

(It was driving me crazy not to complete the lyrics.)

(The obsession: it hurts.)



My foot hurts.

That doctor was not kidding when she said it would hurt more before it got better. But that's okay, as I have a previous engagement to go watch Star Wars Episode I and watch many reenactments of Darth Maul's double-sided lightsaber battles.

If Griffin ever sees are "real" Darth Maul lightsaber for sale I will be totally screwed.

No WIP progress today. Damn foot.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Don't Concern Yourself With This Mess You've Left For Me; I Can Clean it Up, You See

It feels so good to be productive. To be able to sit at the table. To load the dishwasher. To make breakfast and lunch all by myself.

To have my pooping resume its regular schedule.

(It's true! It's wonderful!)

I received my magazine swap quite awhile ago, but didn't have the opportunity to post it.

The wonderful Samantha sent me so many magazine goodies from Australia. I've read them over and over, and I'm quite certain I'll read them many more times again.

Yesterday I also received two (two!) boxes in the mail.

The first is from Lori...

We are all specifically lovin' the pillow. As Aaron pointed out, it is so very true -- but it is missing one more word. Lori -- the boys love the book and I cannot wait to start on the bookmark! Thank you!

The second box was from Diana...

Obviously, the boys could not wait to get the water space guns. Everything was from the flea market in Maine. How come flea markets in the ocean-bordering states are so much cooler than the ones in the Midwest? I love the fabrics, and they are an awesome weight, and the juice glasses and caddy are perfect. And in the lower right corner is an apron -- my first apron ever -- and it fits! And it matches my boot!

The pain in my broken foot has increased, but with the new pill regimen and the joy of being up and doing stuff is making it bearable (for the most part).

And because I'm loving today's song and don't want to make you all wait until next month to hear it -- go listen to The Wrecker's single "Leave the Pieces."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

These Boots Are Made For Walkin', and That's Just What They'll Do

I went to my fancy-pants doctor and got the best news.

I was misdiagnosed.

Weird, I know -- but the good news is that the new diagnoses is better than the previous diagnoses.

I do not have a jones fracture. I have an avulsion fracture.

I can understand how my primary doctor misdiagnosed it, based on their closeness; but still, he should have sent me to a professional immediately.

In any case, lying around on my butt all day has delayed my healing. With an avulsion fracture you need to be up and on it, getting the blood pumping to it to speed up healing. So now, with the assistance of the dominatrix boot, I am allowed to be up doing stuff -- loading the dishwasher, making food, filling sippy cups, dusting, vacuuming (huh, notice how these all are chores) and not needing around-the-clock-assistance.

Of course, I still can't go up and down the steps yet. And I can't run errands. Or take the boys anywhere. But at least I can work on that new residue of muckity-muck that has accumulated on the kitchen floor.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

We'll Run Away Together, We'll Spend Some Time Forever, We'll Never Feel Bad Anymore

Apparently, I have nothing to talk about other than my broken foot.

So, broken foot it is!


I'm very tired of having a broken foot.

I've had enough, thank you very much. May I magically be healed and walk now?


Pretty please?

With a cherry on top?

Tomorrow is my last day to have my cousin's help with the boys. Tomorrow I am going to a Podiatrist (that's fancy-pants for "foot doctor") for a second opinion.

I've been having more problems than I've discussed here, including muscle spasms, nerve problems, numbness and un-managed pain. Both the spasms and painful numbness and have started to get better in the past few days, which likely means I've damaged some nerves in my foot and they are dying. The numbness is still there, it just doesn't hurt as much.

I have no clue what the fancy-pants doctor is going to do tomorrow, other than review my files and x-rays. I'm hoping for a new contraption on my foot and permission to start doing stuff because sitting on my ass all the time is getting old, and I no longer can rely on friends and family to provide around the clock support (although as much support as you all can provide is greatly appreciated).

The thing that is pissing me off the most -- more than sitting on my ass all the time -- is everyone's damned opinions that I need to follow doctor's orders and not do anything at all costs yet everyone's inability to help to make following the doctor's orders a possibility.

So if the doctor says I can do stuff, it would be a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

If the doctor says I still need to sit around and not do anything for the next four weeks, she might as well put me into a medicated coma. Because that's the only way to insure that my children will be taken fully care of without having me do it.

Do you have the impression that I'm in a rather pissy mood?

Because I am.



Pissy McPisserson.

Pissy Pissy Princess.

Of course, the pissiness is not helped by the card my insane Grandmother sent me today.

Yes, I just called my Grandma insane.

No, I'm not kidding.

There's a reason why we call her "Granny Crazy."

She wrote a huge shpeal in the card about my mom (who died of leukemia when I was four; she knew she had it and refused treatment because "God needed her in heaven more than she was needed on Earth") and how in her last few days she had to walk with two canes and how proud she was about her self for walking and how I should just walk and the Lord Jesus Christ would bestow such blessings upon me if I would just walk I could enjoy my last few days on the earth.

Obviously, Granny Crazy thinks a broken foot is going to kill me.

So, thanks.

Because that's just what I need to hear right now.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

We Are a Part of the Rhythm Nation

I should be invited to go on the tour.

Oh, wait.

I can't dance.


Oh, yeah. And I'm 16 years late, too.


Laying around all day is getting really old.

And this boot really looks like it should be in a dominatrix's closet.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

Oh, is it Friday? Are you sure? Huh. I've been so doped up, I haven't noticed.

Oh yay, that means the weekend is here! Yay! Yay!

So, for my work in progress...

Just a Little Robot, watercolor pencil on watercolor paper. He's the first creative thing I have done since my big fall. And you know what? It felt really good to create.

Little Robot would not be here, had it not been for my amazing friend that ran errands for me and picked up a little get well present...

Aren't friends great?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Pay Attention to Me, I Don't Talk for My Health

Pppppfffftttt. Oh, please. I totally talk for my own entertainment.

Especially now. May I present.... Laura, doped up on drugs! Yay, drugs! Druggie, druggie drugs! Fantabulous druggie, drugs. Drrrrrrruuuuuuugggggsss!

Apparently, the medical world does not like toes turning purple. Toes turning purpley-grey equals bad, bad, bad.

So bad, everyone wanted me to go to the ER Sunday night. One hundred dollar co-pay? No, thank you. I'll keep my toes elevated to prevent purpleness and go to my regular doctor Monday morning.

But, before I go, I must have a decorated cast! Yes! Decorated cast! That is the Most Important Thing to have for Going Out in Public.

So I commissioned two wonderful artists to help out in my goal...

Both artists firmly believe in drawing lines through others' artwork. Then, off to the doctor!

Who made sure I kept my foot elevated. It was concluded that some swelling went down, but my ankle decided to swell. The swelling of the ankle was aggravated by the cast and caused nerves to get pinched, thus the purpley toes. So it Must Come Off!

Off With Her Cast! Argh!

Yes, I was nicked with the saw.

Yes, I was nicked on more than one occasion.

Yes, it Hurt Like Hell.

And then wedging the cast off was The Worst Part, Oh My Gawd. Because to wedge it, it put pressure on my foot where the broken bone is and OW, OW, OW!

And my foot is now a lovely shade of green. And for the record, Aaron did not marry me based on the looks of my feet. In fact, he thinks my feet are ugly, and yes, I believe this is all information the internets need to know.

The doctor took some x-rays, and yes! My Break is Worse!

So the doctor wanted to put another cast on, which to me seemed like The Worst Idea Mankind Had Ever Come Up With, You Can Take Your Twenty Pound Fiberglas And Shove It, You're NOT Putting Anymore Of That Shit On Me. Fortunately for me, I'm a fast talker and finally convinced the doctor to give me a stiff boot (it's adjustable!), because if he gives me another cast I'm just gonna be back in his office bitching and complaining and needing something else done.

My doctor is a Very Smart Man. Deciding with me that having a Bitching and Complaining Laura in his office every few days is not a good idea.

So I got back on August 7th for more x-rays and hopefully the okay to start bearing weight on my foot. Until then, I have to have constant help because I Am Not Allowed To Do Anything Except Going To The Bathroom And I Should Consider Myself Lucky That The Doctor Is Not Forcing Me To Have A Bathroom Buddy Because This Is A Serious Break And Oh My Gawd The World May Come To An End If I Do Anything Other Than Lay On My Ass And Keep My Foot Elevated For The Next Five Weeks.

And apparently, no one decided to tell me that a side effect of Laying On My Ass All The Time is constipation.

Thanks a lot, internet.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Like a True Nature's Child, We Were Born, Born to be Wild

Bloody hell, my foot hurts.

No, we did not go to Michigan. And believe me, I would much rather spend six weeks with the in-laws over six weeks in a cast. Yes, it hurts that much.

It is so bad, in fact, Aaron wants to drag me to the doctor again tomorrow.

We've been doing lots of online research about the Jones Fracture. I asked Aaron if he recalled which bone I broke, not telling him which one I thought I broke, and he agreed with my theory: I broke my fourth metatarsal, not my fifth (which is the Jones Fracture). Plus, I'm having a lot more pain and problems than the websites claim I should be having, which results in one of three things:

1. People lie about how much this hurts, lying fuckers
2. I'm a Big Fat Whiny Butt with a Very Low Pain Threshold and Thus a Big Wussy Baby
3. Something else is wrong

I'm really hoping for option number one.

In addition to General Uncomfortableness and Broken Foot Pain and coping with The Cast That Weighs 12,000 pounds, I'm having muscle spasms up and down my leg and in my foot, my foot is swollen around my ankle despite the fact it is constantly elevated, and my toes turn purple if they are not elevated above my heart for less than three seconds.

I would so rather be in Michigan right now.

Of course, due to all of these wonderful additions, Aaron has taken it upon himself to keep me Very Medicated. If I so much as so a hint of being crabby, he shoves a Lortab down my throat. Crabby and Bitchy? A Lortab and Flexril.

Come to think of it, I think he's medicating me more for his benefit than mine.

In any case, I'm rather lucky that the accident did happen in summer: I don't have to worry about shuffling Griffin to preschool and my cousin Sarah is out on summer break and she can come over and help me because my aunt forces her to as much as I want. My step-mom, Kathy, is also out on summer break (she's a college professor) and she can help out a lot too.

Anyway, new subject!

I've noticed people have been leaving me questions in my comments section, and I've been doing a piss-poor job at answering them. Since I'm a complete dumbass and can't figure out how to access people's email addresses through blogger, feel free to e-mail me (available through my "about" page and here: if I don't answer in a timely manner. If I haven't answered your question here, please ask again. As I've stated before, I'm a dumbass.

lla asked where I got the "cool baking cups" from Darwin's birthday party. I purchased them at Party America, a local party supply store. They are called "candy and nut cups" and come in approximately mini-muffin size and full size. The coolest part about them is you don't need to use any muffin pans, just load them all on a cookie sheet. The not-so-cool part is that, since they are so sturdy, they are a complete pain in the ass to unravel when you decide to eat a cupcake. The next time I make them, I'm gonna snip one side with scissors to see if it makes them easier to remove without having batter pour out during baking.

Angela asked if we were going to change the purpose of the entry room. Once it is done being painted ( ::looking at foot:: which will now take a while), we are going to move the wardrobe back in there (we use it as a coat closet, since we do not have one). Then I hope to get a dresser out of Aaron's cave and paint it white (it is waist high) and put it where the brown table is now. Above it I'm going to hang a ridiculously expensive mirror I bought at Pottery Barn five years ago and never took out of the box and hang family photos around it. Then I want to make a storage bench so we have a comfy place to put shoes on and off.

Meredith asked me where I got the recipe for the gluten-free coconut madeleines. I'm writing a cookbook and converted a recipe to gluten-free. The madeleines are cookbook ready, the banana bread is not ready yet.

Lera asked what traveling bags are, and if she needed some. I would say if you are taking the kids on a big road trip this summer, the answer is most definitely yes! you need some! I was making each boy a bag big enough to fit in a couple of books, crayons, paper and little trinkets to keep them occupied on the 750 mile road trip to Michigan. I'll resume making the bags when I can get down to the basement for when ever our trip gets rescheduled.

Samantha asked how I got home from my big fall at the park. Well, I'm rather lucky, I hurt my left foot and I only need my right foot to drive since I now have an automatic. I would have had to call someone if the situation was different.

Kristi asked how my little monsters adorable children are handling the situation. Well, Griffin has smacked it "accidentally" three times and keeps putting the boo-boo bunny (a little bunny with an ice center) on it. Darwin likes to use it for choo-choo train track. They both kind of seem to enjoy me being around them all the time instead of rushing around the house doing chores.

asked if my crutches are wood or metal. They are metal. And I'd love to see what you did with your wood ones!

Joni-mi mentioned that I needed to learn how to use the crutches. She is totally correct. My armpits were hurtin' really bad and my aunt told me that I had to lift my body with my hands and do this ape-like swinging thing. It is helping, and I had better have the best-sculpted shoulders and arms after six weeks.

Green Kitchen
asked about my karma. I don't know what is up with my karma. But I am learning lots and lots of lessons from it. LOTS AND LOTS OF LESSONS. Do you hear me Universe?! I'm learning a lot of lessons!

I have received lots of comments over the past few months about how I make people laugh and how I make people feel better about their lives by reading about mine. Not only does this not bother me at all, it makes me really happy.

Knowing that I've brightened someone's day, even if it comes from telling them how awful mine is, is awesome.