Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Big Red Tree Grew Up and Out, Throw Up its Leaves, Spins Round and Round

You kinda have to feel a little sorry for any dumbass who knocks on my door.

There's a sign, clearly stated on the front door, no solicitors.

I started this practice when Griffin was a baby and we took erratic naps all day and no, I do not want to install vinyl siding.

But! People ignore it! Seriously!

It seems to be more of the right-winged zealous religious groups that ignore it the most (I do live in Kansas after all) and whenever they like to tell me about the Lord Jesus Christ Their Savior I always make the wait while I call my son over because, seriously, doesn't his soul need to be saved as well?


"I'm sorry, what's your son's name?"

"Darwin. Like Charles Darwin."

"Oh dear, I'll pray for your soul."

"That'd be super. I quite certain my soul needs some prayin' for."

Today some poor sap rings my bell (you can ring my be-e-e-ell, ring my bell, my bell) (ahem, sorry) and wants to know would I like him to trim up that there tree in my front yard.

Another thing about Kansas: improper English

And I'm all, "You know what? I do not want you to trim it up but I'd like a quote."

"Okay, let me just go get-"

"And while you're at it, I need a quote to trim up all the trees on my property and cut down the elm in the backyard. Oh! And a quote for removing the stump. You know, while your at it, why don't ya give me multiple quotes like in tiers so we can figure out what we can afford."


"Quotes dude. That's why you interrupted me from cooking dinner, right? You want some business?"

"Um... I'm gonna... I'm gonna send someone else out. Bye."

The one time someone solicits me and I'm remotely interested they run away. Hmph.


Green-Eyed Momster said...

That's a gorgeous tree up in there! I feel sorry for my solicitors too. I used to tell them to get the f... off my porch but now I just let the dog out! Problem solved! I don't like my elm trees either. They're so messy! Maybe someone will come back and you can put them to work!

Unknown said...

I turned away Verizon--permanently. Why? Well, hell. I answered the door (foolish me) with the phone in one ear, a laundry basket under my arm, the buzzer going off on the stove and when I told the guy that I was kinda busy AND had a kid in the tub and he proceeded to go through FIOS bells and whistles. Well, I had to slam the door on the guy!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure this wasn't my house you are talking about? Seriously, we get those tree dudes every week, but they never have a quote!

Anonymous said...

It is too awesome that you live in Kansas and you named your kid Darwin. I'm sure there's a lot of praying happening on your behalf ;)
Love it!

Anonymous said...

heh. heh. I love it. Charles Darwin.
I'm now singing "ring my bell" thanks for that also. I've got a few dance moves for it that I'll work out in my kitchen in a moment.

I had a lady who wanted to meet with me weekly and have a private bible study in my living room. Are you KIDDING me? I had tears in my eyes trying to hold in my rude laughter.

Anonymous said...


pungsnotded said...

Oh, how I miss Kansas and the unique "english" that happens there. Tree trimmers! I am going to have to do some prayin on it, now.

Anonymous said...

my parents used to let us hit the jehova's witnesses w/ super soakers. not squirt guns, SUPER SOAKERS. i think even God got a laugh on that one.

Anonymous said...

You're scary that way, Laura.


Stacy said...

..they ignore my "no soliciting" sign too. I just smile so politely-it's-evil at them with my face placed directly above the sign in the window -- until they get freaked out and walk away...

I can't really say whether that makes me more mad...or when they actually pay attention to my sign and then choose to litter all their literature about my front entry way???

..there's just no making me happy, really.

World Wide Alternative said...

I love you. Xxx

Sarah and Jack said...

LOLOL We have a big stump in our front yard from the maple that died a few years back. They must knock on my door a million times to ask me if I want the stump removed. (Yes, we have the same don't bother me sign.)

The thing is, we rent this house. The stump is so not my problem.

And clearly not the landlords problem either, since he wont fix the rotting porch, which is more important than the stump.

misschris said...

And see? Even when I feel like crap you can make me laugh.

Poor stupid solicitors. I had to hide this weekend. Did NOT have the mental fortitude to be civil, so I thought it best that way.

Enjoy your trip....