She Holds a Smile Like Someone Would Hold a Crying Child

We had a lovely Christmas, complete with a huge dinner, gluten-free apple crisp and 3,561 new Lego blocks coming to live at our home.

It's after Christmas that the shit hit the fan.

Friday night we had a horrible storm, which knocked our neighbor's 20+ foot tree into our yard, toppling the honeysuckle trellis and three evergreen bushes.


The storm also blew off a few of our roof shingles, which we now need to figure out how to fix. Fast.

Saturday, Tuckie the Turtle passed away. We're all very sad, Griffin took it really hard. Both boys are dealing with it better today, but it was rough telling them.

Then yesterday both boys woke up with pink eye.

Two thousand and eight has not been the best year. And she's doing her best to be a mean, evil bitch the last few days of her life.

No Crocodiles Or Rhinoceroseses, I Only Like Hippopotamuseses

Yesterday Darwin spilled the beans that I'm getting sea monkeys for Christmas (because the aquasaurs were not enough of a fiasco?).

Today, Griffin's been doing the whole you're gonna be so surprised Mama! and you're gonna love what I got you Mama! and full of happiness and joy.

He was telling me it's red! your favorite color! and was giggley and happy and then Darwin goes and becomes a BUZZKILL and sarcastically proclaims, "Yeah, you got mom Sea Monkeys. So what?"

Obviously, he realizes Festivus is tomorrow and is starting with the Airing of Grievances early.

Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

In trying to find the holiday spirit and the holiday energy (damn, where's my holiday energy? Oh yeah, it's sucked up by shoveling snow in single-digit temperatures and trips to visit my dad in the hospital and shivering because damn, my house is cold and drafty), I've found myself turning to the internets for inspiration.

As usual.

Besides my usual drooling over Legos (especially the old Legos that aren't being made anymore) I've been looking up ways to spiffy up gift cards (oh my goodness, the GIFT CARDS and makin' them interesting) and found this pattern and these kick-ass patterns (click on each individual guy to get the print out sheet - there's enough to make a paper army).

And, loving crafts to do with my kids, I found this ornament idea which I'm totally gonna do as soon as I can run to the craft store without risking my life with my shitty tires.

I've also been listening to this:





... and this (which is totally NOT SAFE for kids, nor is it safe with people who lack religion humor):





And in case you can't figure it out, that's Mister Hanky, the Christmas Poo.

I also need to print off some of these gift tags (remembering to give Griffin the maze one - what is it with six year olds and mazes?).

And (yeah, I know -- overkill with the ANDs today) we already have printed off our Droidels, we just need to get out the scissors and tape and get on it.

As soon as we're done decorating the tree, of course.

Ya Feelin' Alright? (Uh-Huh)

My dad made it through the surgery fantastically on Friday. It took an hour or two longer than normal, but that's easy to explain as he's a freakishly large massive giant.

But WOOHOO, my daddy's alive.

He's on some fantastic drugs, alternating between hella funny and a massive asshole. We can all do without the asshole part but whatthefuckever, MY DADDY'S ALIVE.

Crazy shit my dad has said whilst doped up:

"I want to talk to Bob."
"Well, Dad, when you to a real room you can. You don't have a phone in the ICU and they won't let us use a cell phone."
"The roll me over to the window."
"Um... why?"
"So I can hollar at Bob. He's outside waiting on me."

"I wanna golf."
"I know Dad."
"Right now, take me to the range."
"Maybe when you're better."
"No! Right now! I wanna go now, now, now, now!"

"I'm really incoherent."
"Yeah, Dad, I know."
"I mean, really fucking incoherent."
"Yeah, Dad. I know."
"What are we talking about again?"
::pause::
"God damn, I'm really incoherent."
"Really? I haven't noticed Dad."

I Can Love How I Like if I Want it, Whatever Keeps Me High

When we last heard from Sir Printus he had just arrived home.


"Honey! I'm ho-ome!"

"In the kitchen, dear."


"What you doing sweetheart?"

"Just tenderizing the meat. You have a rough day hon?"

"Yeah, it was crazy."

::whack, whack:: "Um, hmm, I'm listening... let me go put this away...


"I do believe I need my knife next.."



"Say, is that Rolf hiding back there?"

"What, no, no - why would you ask -"

"Yes," ::sigh:: "Printus, it's me."

"But, what are you - ooooohhhh, I see."

"Please don't tell Emmanuel."

"Are you cra-"

::knock, knock::


"Emmanuel."

"Printus. Is Rolf here?"

"You have impeccable timing. How was your day?"

"You know, same old, same old. Took some practice shots for next week's invasion."


"May I come in and see Rolf now?"

"Um, hi Emmanuel. How'd you know I'd be here?"

"You've been here every damn day this week and I want to know what's going on."

"Well, um.."

"Rolf. Now."

"Okay, FINE. Sylvester and I are in love. We're leaving you both."


"You. Fucking. Bitch. After everything I've done for you! After forgiving your little indescression with Gunther! You turn around and have an affair with Rolf? You are fucking DEAD, do you understand me? DEAD."

::knock, knock::

Hello?


"Hi, it's Gunter. I was just heading into town for a pint..."

And You May Ask Yourself - Well... How Did I Get Here?

You know, it's one thing for the day to fly by when it's summer and I have sunlight until at least 6pm. But this getting-dark-at-four-o'clock-mess is plain bullshit.


At this rate, I'll never get the Lego Advent calendar documented. God, Laura, don't say shit like that. Everyone's gonna start callin' you Scrooge.

Legos! Tomorrow! Or string me up by my toes and beat me like a pinata!

Running, Running as Fast as We Can

Winter Solstice just threw up all over my living room.


And didn't clean up her own mess.

So! We have a tree! Whee! And today, I PUT UP LIGHTS FOR WOE, I AM AWESOME.

Sorry. I'm an only child. I need applause for every little accomplishment I make.

So my dad is having his big-ass surgery Friday. I am doing my best to act Normal and Keep My Shit Together but I keep making inappropriate jokes about him dying TO MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF. Not that I want him to kick it, and damn that would suck donkey balls if that happened, but if I can't make a joke about something and laugh at it then I don't cope at all and hey, AT LEAST I'M COPING A LITTLE WITH THE REALLY BAD JOKES.

And yes, that's exactly why I haven't started my December Daily album. If my dad kicks it, there's no way I'm going to want to be all HOLIDAY CHEER in a scrapbook right now.

So Com'on Down and Do What You Gotta Do

Hello.


I am Sir Printus. Lord Griffin hath bestowed upon me a proper name.

Apparently "Little Fuckwad" is improper.

Come, let me take you to my lair.


Welcome to Slublumpblumpress. Slablahblahblabeeze.

Spelling and grammer are particular around here, especially when working with Lord Darwin.


First, please do feel comfortably in taking off your armor, hat and put away your dagger. As you can see, I have a place to put all my shit.

Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, are you worried about my joust? Silly you, I must carry it around to protect you.

Yeah, to protect you....

Wouldn't it be Good if We Could Live Without a Care

My in-laws are crazy. Particularly, my father-in-law. (Hi Ray!)

Whenever they come into town, he wants projects. Every time he visits, he insists the project list increases.

He met his match with me this weekend.

Aaron and Ray (and the boys "helped" and much a leaf jumpers can) raked the whole yard and trimmed a bunch of bushes on Friday. Then, Friday night they installed the new range hood (so... we only went without ventilation for less than two months -- that's damn impressive for us). Aaron's mom (Hi Bev!) (yes, my in-laws found mah blahg) and I shopped.

Saturday Aaron and Ray ripped the carpet out of the entry room. Given that I've been wanting to do this for over two year (since I painted the damn room), you can now understand why I'm so impressed it "only" took us two months to install a range hood.


If they weren't made of asbestos, covered in old glue and splattered with paint I might have left what we found.

But, you know, it was made of asbestos, covered in old glue and splattered with paint.

And so after patching and super-cold temperatures (because the room use to be a breeze-way) (and because I try to fancy it up a bit by calling it the "entry room" even though what I should call it is "that piece of shit room that's not insulated properly"), Ray and I layed (lied? stupid English language) the new floor on Sunday.


Who's a pretty floor? Who's a pretty floor? You are! You are!

And I have to say, two days later and I'm still hella sore. I can barely lift my hands over my head and if I had a cane I'd be using it to walk around. And if I had access to one of those chair thingamaboppers that lifted your ass up for you I'd totally be living in that right now too.

Yeouch.

And Ray was really nice about indulging me in setting the floor on the diagonal. Everyone thought I was crazy.

Which, really, I don't know why they're just coming to that conclusion now.

Speaking of me and my crazy... we started the Advent Calendar last night!


What's a good name for a knight?

Inside You the Time Moves and She Don't Fade

We had a crazy holiday weekend -- Aaron's parents came down from Michigan and got lots done. Lots.


Like lots of game playing. And if you haven't played Mexican Train I strongly urge you to. I can't believe we have to wait till Christmas morning to get our own set. Hmph.

Lots more got done -- but more on that tomorrow.

I have a Lego Advent Calendar to go dig out of the basement. Squee!

Oh -- yes. I forgot. Due to not wanting my ass to get sued, I am no longer doing musical roundups. It's fucking ridiculous but you know what? I like clothes. And food. And a roof over my head. Call me selfish, ohfuckingwell.

So, if you're wondering what I'm listening to feel free to leave a comment (include your email addy!) or email me.

In the meantime, ahem, I am enjoying these....

Jack's Mannequin


will.i.am [love, love, love, this is the BESTEST SONG]

All American Rejects


and Flight of the Conchords