2005 Sucked Ass

2005 was not a good year for us; we are one happy family that this year is over.

Tomorrow we shall be dining on black eyed peas (for good luck) and ham (for they push their snouts forward in the dirt); additionally, we will not be having any chicken (because they scratch the dirt backwards).

Hey! We need all the help we can get to make 2006 a fantabulous year.

May you and your family have a Happy New Year as well!

Its About Fucking Time

Looks like the FDA is starting to be proactive for all of those with food allergies:

Beginning Jan. 1, food makers are required by law to label in "plain language" the eight allergen groups: tree nuts (including almonds, walnuts, and pecans), milk, eggs, fish, crustacean shellfish, peanuts, soybeans and wheat. Labels must either use parentheses to clarify that, for instance, "whey" or "casein" is a milk product, or must note at the end of the list that the product "contains" a specific allergen.

And, even working on changing labels to help those with celiac disease:

For millions of people, gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley and rye, triggers an autoimmune reaction, attacking the small intestine. Sometime before August 2006, the FDA will issue a proposal to allow voluntarily use of the words "gluten free" on food labels, though the rule isn't likely to be finalized until 2008. But companies already are using their own definitions to label products as "gluten-free."

You can read the whole article here.

I just hope that the FDA regulates mono- and diglycerides and other derivatives of wheat as gluten products, otherwise it will be a waste of their time.

Now, when are the restaurants going to join the bandwagon?

Apparently, I Was On the "Naughty List"

Christmas morning, we all woke up and took the boys downstairs. Griffin was all excited that Santa had come, looking at all the presents and pointing to the stockings.

"My stocking is full! Darwin's stocking is full! Daddy's stocking is full! Mommy's stocking is... empty?"

He whipped around and turned to me.

"Mommy! Santa says you're on the Naughty List!"

"I am not on the Naughty List! I was a good Mommy this year!"

"Santa says you weren't."

I whipped around and look at Aaron, who had an "oh shit" look on his face. He cleared his throat and said to Griffin, "Um... I'm sure Mommy was on the nice list. Let's see what Santa's note says..."

(Because, you know, Santa is all polite and leaves thank you notes for the cookies.)

Aaron read the note out loud, editing into it that an elf "forgot" Mommy's stocking stuffers and Santa will return later after his trip back to the North Pole.

Griffin turned around and exclaimed, "Mommy! You're not on the Naughty List! And! And! That elf is going to get DISCIPLINED!"

Introducing Sicky McSickerson and the Nasty Noses!

Bhah. Cough, cough. We'b ven tick. I onlee have de nergy to layb about ve house and watt teebee anb worry about ve holly daze.

Cough, cough.

Karba iv gibbing be a vig tick in dee assh.

I'm About to Cry for a Very Ridiculous Reason...

... I can't find a gluten free ham.

Happy Fucking Holidays to you too, Universe.

Christmas Story

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

Seven

Okay, I've been Meme'd. I think. Anyway, Marsha, here you go...

Seven things to do before I die:
1. Raise my kids so they are healthy and not too emotionally scarred
2. Buy a few acres and build a house
3. Publish a cookbook
4. Travel to Greece
5. Get down to and maintain a healthy weight
6. Start a profitable home-based business
7. Get out of debt

Seven things I can (or will) not do:
1. Eat wheat/gluten
2. Knowingly let my kids eat wheat/gluten
3. Ignore my children's medical needs despite not having money
4. Do something that would not put my life, or the life of my kids or husband, in jeopardy
5. Not fight an illness
6. Vote Republican
7. Stop learning

Seven things that attract me to my spouse:
1. Nerdy-ness
2. Taste in music
3. Ability to stand up for what he believes in (including me)
4. Humor
5. Intelligence
6. Desire to have strong family ties
7. The way he rubs my thumb when we hold hands

Seven things I say most often:
1. Griffin! Get. In. Your. Thinking. Chair. Now!
2. Is that appropriate behavior?
3. Hey - I wipe ass for a living!
4. Darwin, just because I'm giving your brother attention doesn't mean you need to bogart Mommy right now.
5. Where's my lovin'?
6. When are you coming home?
7. Love you

Seven books (or series) I love:
1. Anything written by Toni Morrison (especially Song of Solomon)
2. Sophie's World, by Jostein Gaarder
3. The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant
4. Pearl, by Mary Gordon
5. One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
6. I Know This Much is True, by Wally Lamb
7. White Oleander, by Janet Fitch

Seven movies I watch over and over again:
1. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
2. A Christmas Story
3. Fargo
4. Where the Heart Is
5. The Incredibles
6. Star Wars - the whole damn series
7. Monster's Inc.

Seven people I'm curious about that I'd like to join in:
Meh. I only "know" three others who have a blog and I know at least one of them has done this already (yes, my loser-dom has just been voiced).

At Which Point My Skin Flashed into Hellfire

We were such a happy family, sitting on the floor together singing standard holiday songs. Then, all of the sudden, the little precious preschool children began singing "Away in a Manger." Luckily, for me, Griffin did not participate.

He did, however, participate in the next song, singing "Happy Birthday to You" to Baby Jesus.

MAKE THE BURNING SENSATION STOP! I AM MELTING, GODDESSDAMNIT!

Questions

When is someone going to admit me to a mental institution already?

How the fuck does vinegar clean a coffee maker?

Why does the 18-month old INSIST of performing felacio on the holiday tree lights?

Another Reason Why I'm a Bad Mom

Griffin is sitting in his "thinking chair," crying for Santa to come rescue him.