Wednesday, June 30, 2010

You Don't Need to be Coy, Roy

I'm quite certain everyone's waiting on pins and needles to hear a status update about my basement reorganization. Because my life is damn exciting and lo! Y'all know this.

So I worked down there for hours on Saturday moving shit (did you know that I had every goddamn notebook from college? SO TRUE) (and all the books? I have so! many! books!) around, condensing, repacking out of disgusting cardboard and into plastic (waterproof!) tubs. Up and down the stairs, on and off throughout the day, putting in a good eight hours of Clearing Shit Out.

You know where the is going, right?

Of course you do. You're smart internet.

Sunday morning we went to "church" where I offered to hang with the teenagers at the last minute where we talked about the plot of "Saved" and how it correlated to "Ghandi" and WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, I'M A GREAT INFLUENCE ON THOSE KIDS.

Anyway, so all I did was sit and talk. Yes? Yes. That's all. And drink water.

So imagine my surprise when I went to the bathroom before we left and...


There's no polite way to put this.

It was like my vagina had a raging head cold.

I've never lost my mucus plug before (and isn't 31 weeks a wee bit early to lose it?), apparently they magically disappeared. I bet they meditated and reached nirvana. That would explain their magical disappearance the previous two times.

But this? This isn't wasn't what the internets said it would look like. It was like a bad head cold and it was crying for a big dose of Robitussin. It was yellow and brown and red - so guess who was all OH MY HELL.

When we got home I double-checked (even though I made Aaron check it at "church" - I'm a loving, giving wife like that) and yep. Still head-cold-ish. So I called the doctor on call. Who said, and I quote, "Don't worry about it unless you start having contractions."

Fucking doctor jinxed me.

An hour later we were headed to the hospital and the nurse was all "Giiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrllll, you are having some con'trax'ions." Um, thanks.

And then when she checked downtown? "Boy howdy you are mucus-eeeee down there!"

Alrighty. Good to know I'm not losing my mind.

Four hours, two blown vessels and a fancy-pants plastic cup later I was released.

Everything is fine now. Or, at least, fine-ish. I'm still contracting, but I've been contracting through the whole pregnancy. Tomorrow I get my 89th progesterone shot (or 17th shot - po-tay-toe, poh-tah-toe) to keep baking this ornery baby.

Just a few more weeks. It feels like a battle between the uterus and the mind.


Lisa Waszkiewicz said...

I have been popping in to read your blog for the last year or so.. always funny. But this one, this one just made me shoot lemonade out my nose and onto the keyboard. "Vagina with a head cold" is now my official phrase for the week.

Unknown said...

You are too much. :) So hilarious. I admire how you take it all in stride. Keep us posted and keep your feet up! Milk it, girl.

laeroport said...

I think your body is trying to say SLOW DOWN! And make Aaron haul all that crap to the curb.


Marshamlow said...

How frustrating. Two steps forward.. I wish I could hop on a plane and come to help you out. Perhaps there is someone in your family or some of your friends who would let you sit in a nice comfy chair and tell them what stays and what goes.

Gina Perry said...

LOL! There are no words. I was expecting the story to turn into another hoarding-rant, NOT that. Try to take it easy.

Kristi said...

I have got to put down my coffee before I read your blog. My kid is longer talking to me because I spit on the back of her head. (she's fine- it was a bit cold. I was just trying to mainline the caffeine)

Good luck on the incubation and the shots. Big (coffee splattered) hugs from us.

Unknown said...

Get that man of yours to haul the books next time...geesh, it's like you've never done this before! Glad it wasn't anything too serious but get ready I don't think you'll be waiting too much longer!

Dee said...

Um mucus plug? How come no one told me? I'm 26 weeks with my first and this is the first I've heard about the mucus plug... ugh ugh ugh...LOL.. I LOVE your blog btw. I hope you can take it easy and feel better! I can soo sympathize with the pregnancy panics.