Friday, February 13, 2009

Let's Get Into Physical

After four weeks of doing The Shred I was seriously ready to jump on a plane and fucking knock Jillian's lights out for her demonic torture, otherwise known as PLANK POSES.

Which, by the way, totally fucked up my right shoulder and had me wallowing like teenager who's crush totally doesn't know she exists.

So, in other words that shit fucked me up bad.

And besides, Jillian didn't fucking exercise anyway. She was all "oh yeah, this is a hard workout" but she didn't even do half the exercises. Bitch.

So one day I was IMing a couple of coworkers about how much we all fucking hate The Shred when Jenny mentioned that I should try one of these walking videos with Leslie.

The Jesus Freak.

So.... okay. Now I'm trying this walking thing (NO PLANK POSES) and it isn't bad. It doesn't make me want to punch kittens nor does it make me want to find a long-lost-cousin-Guido so I can put a hit out on somebody.

But, yeah. Jenny wasn't kidding about the Loving Christ part.

Here, Leslie is giving her daily Hallelujah.

No, I am not kidding.

She's counting her blessings. Apparently, that is what has been missing from my exercise my routines all my life. I haven't been count my blessings while doing "kick-backs."

And - the worst part - is that the token "fat" chick (hello, not really fat, but fatter than the rest) (I'm totally going to hell) got kinda miffed that Leslie (the chick in black) (as opposed to the token black chick) let the token old guy give the Hallelujah. She was hurt, poor token fat girl.

And yes, in case you are wondering they all have names.

From the back: token old prissy lady, token old guy, token overzealous sweating chick (seriously, five minutes in her boobs are sweating and ICK)

Middle row: token short-mom-haircut soccer-mom chick (two in one! score!) and token black chick

Front row: token lipstick lesbian, Leslie The Ultimate Jesus Freak and token fat chick, who has wayyyyyyy y too much of a sunny disposition. Honestly, I think Leslie wants to tell her fuck the back off, because the compete on a chippiness scale.

It's like the 700 club meets exercise meets Desperate Housewives


Anonymous said...

I see a niche here for you to create a Flight of the Conchords exercise regimen. Sugalumps would be quite a workout.

tonkelu said...

I want to go to the gym with you. Surely we'd burn a ton of calories being snarky and laughing alone!

Anonymous said...

you msde me laugh so much - I must have burnt calories!

LauraJ said...


Wendy said...

Like I don't hate exercising enough.

I think I'll just go for a walk around the neighborhood, Thanks.

MichelleB said...

Thanks for the heads up. I never knew Leslie Sansome was so religious (I'm assuming it is Leslie Sansome). At least I'll know now not to get her dvd.

Tastecraft said...

i'm in stitches just reading your post. like, i read it again just so i could laugh again. thanks so much for writing the petty bullshit that i think up in my twisted mind all day and validating me. I LOVE YOUR BLOG. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

Planks are evil, but good evil I guess.

I don't think I could handle happy Jesusercise though. I can't even handle Denise Austin. No one can be that happy during exercise.

Chickenbells said... right shoulder is totally jacked, and I can't figure out if it's from yoga (with plank poses galore) or just regular weight lifting...damn. I'm still working out though, I just wince whenever I try to use it and I forget that it hurts...

sltbee69 said...

I've had those tapes for years and never got the impression that Leslie was a Jesus freak. I just pulled them out again this past weekend. I did find myself wishing I could mute her mouth and keep the music playing though.

Angelina said...

Just reading about it has given me the impression that I'd want to scream at that entire group.

I want you to do what Kristi said.

Unknown said...

I feel your pain. I bought one of Jillian's books - she's a beast.

Jenny said...

Hahahahahah You must have got one of the extra Praise Walkin' ones. Most of the ones I've used aren't quite so, um, inspirational.

And the DVDs? TOTALLY have a music only feature. My plan is to find out how many beats per minute music she uses and then just make my own soundtrack and then do the hallelujah kickbacks. Maybe.