Whilst golfing Saturday, my dad* noticed something scurrying around in the grass, just a few yards way from a lawnmower.
He bent down, picked it up and found...
... a baby turtle.
And when I say baby, I mean baby.
After doing a ton of research, we figured out it is a Western Painted Turtle. We now know what he likes to eat (earthworms, bits of dandelion and romaine lettuce, grapes, insect larvae, etc.), what conditions he likes (plenty of water to swim in, with lots of hiding places and a nice flat rock to dry out on) and a firm understanding in the family that if he's not happy, then he will be released into his natural habitat.
Tuckie the Turtle Lord would like you get out of his grill already.
* Just so no one gets all high and mighty: Tuckie was caught at a golf course in Missouri; from two hours of research on laws in Missouri, I can confidently say there are no laws prohibiting the capture of Western Painted Turtles in that state. Booyah.