Thursday, August 17, 2006

I'd Like to Answer You, But I Can't Clarify if I'm 100 Miles Ahead or 100 Miles Behind

On the way to my chiropractor last night I passed an accident scene.

I must have arrived fairly soon after the accident; paramedics, firefighters and the police had arrived on the scene. More were coming up and down both sides of the highway to help.

As I inched my way past the scene, my stomach fell. They car had gone down a huge hill (at least 20 feet) and had obviously rolled many times. The windshield was cracked, all the doors were thrown open in the impact. Paramedics and helping pedestrians were standing in the field, with greenery up to their chests. The paramedics were carrying body supports, looking for the bodies of the people who were in the car.

I don't talk about this much, very few of my friends even know of this... I have this... um... "gift." I don't necessarily consider it a "gift" and it is not very useful. It is actually more a burden.

But as I passed it, all I could think of was how they needed to find the man before he died. The woman was already gone.

I've been worried about him since that happened; this morning he is in critical condition in a local hospital. The woman was dead on the scene.

And I feel guilty.

I realize there is nothing I could have done to prevent this (that's not how "it" works), and given my broken foot I couldn't have helped find anyone had I decided to pull over (and I almost did).

Anytime I have one of these "episodes" I feel guilty (unless it concerns someone being pregnant, then it's a good thing); but everytime it happens I have "it" when it is too late -- too late to prevent a miscarriage, too late to prevent the cancer, too late because someone has already passed.

And "being too late" all the time is heartbreaking.

15 comments:

LLA said...

wow...
that is pretty amazing - how long have you been able to do this?

And, please don't feel guilty - there is nothing you could have done. All that's left is to think good thoughts for the gentleman who is in critical condition this morning...

lera said...

don't feel guilty. most things cannot be prevented. (and they found the guy and he lived and the girl was already gone ... you were right)

beki said...

Wow! I don't think you should feel guilty. What is it you feel guilkty about? There isn't anything you can do if it's already happened, right?

laeroport said...

Deep breath. In with the butterflies. Out with the bumblebees. Say it with me now. In with the butterflies. Out with the bumblebees.

Let go of the things you can't do anything about. I don't necessarily beleive in fate, but some things there is no help for. And you feeling guilt over things that can not be helped helps nothing.

In with the butterflies. Out with the bumblebees.

karen said...

That is a scary thing to have - I do feel for you. But you musn't feel guilty - as you say there was nothing you could do at all.

Kim said...

I wonder if it's your mom giving you messages?

marshamlow said...

Having the ability to save people is a wonderful thing. Something I think we all want very much. This is why my husband risks his life in the military and others are firemen, policemen, etc. Controling others destiny, being a hero, it is a basic human desire. But, to feel guilty because you are not able to save people, I say let it go. Maybe the reason for you gift is not to save people, but to offer comfort, empathy, to understand what is coming and help them get through it.

kirsty said...

It is what it is, Capello, and guilt serves no purpose for anyone. All guilt does is render you useless, so chuck it out.

Angela said...

8-(
scary, sad, and emotional. Not a gift I would want, but like everyone else has said, there's nothing you could have done. Still, I'm sorry you witnessed it, felt it, and are carrying it.

Cheryl said...

What an amazing gift you have. Guilt is a waste of energy. I am sure you already know that. (((hug)))- and I am not a huggy person, on the net or IRL.

Samantha said...

I can only imagine that this can be a huge burden for you to have to carry.

But as everyone else has said - you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Mia said...

It doesn't necessarily mean you were too late for anything.. you're feeling the "energy" from the situation.. sometimes you know it's happening, and you feel bad and powerless and sad, but that doesn't mean you need to feel guilty that you couldn't help.

but I completely understand :-)

Cathy said...

I think you have an amazing gift. You can see the actual situation clearly... by that I mean, that if you were able to help, you would have known to go straight for the man. That is an extraordinary gift to know where to put your energies. Maybe when you feel helpless to do anything directly, you can channel your gift to sending positive energy to the person that needs help.

kristi said...

How sad. I'm sorry your "gift" is so saddening sometimes, but you know it's part of who you are, and may make itself useful someday. Our gifts and our burdens are often the same...

manda said...

That makes me sad. You shouldn't feel guilty.