Wednesday, September 19, 2007

You Don't Look Twice Cause You Move So Fast

Today is one of those days that just magically jumped up and bit me in the ass.

And it's nothing in particular, just the kids being kids and my dad being my dad and my dad's business being his business and the sun being the sun and all shiny and shit and really, how much would it cost to go to Greece? I can leave the kids at the airport, they'd love with all those long echo-y halls and multiple bathrooms to splash and germs to get infected with.

And you know what is particularly pissing me off?

Someone sent me one of those it-doesn't-matter-who-you-are- now-because-in-200-years-all-that-will-be-remembered-of- you-is-how-you-were-in-the-life-of-a-child-bullshit emails.

Because fuck yeah, who cares if every damn dish in the house is dirty and you "accidentally" ripped up five of the peeling self adhesive tiles out of your dining room over a week ago and you can't clean that toxic adhesive stuff and you know it has wheat in it because you feet get sticky when you sit down to do work and then your feet start breaking out in little blisters but cleaning up that god damn glue is fucking impossible and then you start neglecting your children and the social services comes and takes your kids away because of the floor and piled dishes and in 200 years you're gonna be known and remembered as the dumbfuck that ripped out her floors and social services took her kids away because of it.


So, yeah. SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING GREAT IDEA.

Don't do anything. Don't work. Don't pay bills. Don't answer the phone. Don't do any laundry. Don't weed your garden. Don't go to the pumpkin patch. Don't go by Tuckie a new habitat because he's growing. Don't go to the pharmacy and get your children their allergy medicine BECAUSE IN TWO HUNDRED YEARS IT WON'T MATTER.

Yeah, I'll get right on it fucktard.

22 comments:

oilclothjunkie said...

you know, people don't use fucktard nearly as much as they should.

Gina said...

i agree with oilcloth junkie. maybe you'll be remembered in 200 years for renewing interest in the word fucktard!

Alicia A. said...

Oh, no. I hope things look up soon. I'm feeling pretty crappy today too, if it's any help. We can feel crappy together. (weak smile)

happy zombie said...

THAT is a new word to me. How delish and it really packs a punch! I really could have used fucktard this morning. Though I'm sure I'll have the opportunity again. And again. And again. And again..

Marsha said...

Amen.

Chickenbells said...

Stupid F-ing emails...I mean, I don't have kids (yet) so where does that leave me? I mean what if I don't squeeze that in to all the other crap I'm doing...I've already put it off this far...Does that mean my whole life doesn't matter (I have a blog, I must be doing something other than tapping into my intrinsic narcissitic behaviors)

Oh...when we were ripping out the (probably asbestos backed) linoleum in the bathroom, I used Desolve-It...it has some sort of orange oil in it, and it works on all sorts of glue, including carpet glue on wood floors, and it's not as toxic...

LauraJ said...

hope your day is better tomorrow?

Angelina said...

I forgot to add those type of e-mails to my list of pet peeves.

I have almost ended friendships because of those.

Can Aaron clean up the glue stuff?

kristi said...

I hate days that bite me on the ass. Hope tomorrow is better!

dawn said...

fuctard.

Yes, I think I've found my new favorite blog.

lera said...

Was your email anonymous? Or someone that you know?

I received a similar email just today about "Just for today ..." Uh, yeah. I have bed sheets to wash, beds to remake, (DVDs to make), dinner to bake, more laundry to do. I couldn't bear to read it after the first three words. Maybe another day. Maybe never.

Chin up.

Queens Knitting Mama said...

I feel you. You work hard and you love your kids! Somedays such suck ass! I hope you will have a much better day tomorrow. I will send you good vibe from NY to Kansas. Have a good night!

It's good to know I'm not the only one with a dirty dishes in the sink all the time!

Rachel said...

um, maybe I should have mentioned that the shit they used back in the time of dinosaurs for peel and stick is seriously cement. Acetone is what I had to use...extremely toxic acetone...oh, and flammable.

I.HATE.FORWARDED.EMAILS.

They were invented by the devil. They are always lame...always...has anyone EVER received a cool forward?

crane-o said...

fucktard is one of my favorite words. I'm going to use it more. Thanks!

Mia said...

Just reading the word "fucktard" before 8:00 in the morning.... how can I NOT just sit here and laugh????? hehehe.

robiewankenobie said...

oh, how those emails love to exaggerate. i'm sure you'll be feeling better about this in only 100 years.

*ducks and runs for cover*

Rachel said...

Hey, me again...is there something wrong with your yahoo email? Every time I try to respond to one of your comments it says that address doesn't exist. wtf?

LLA said...

oh, hon....

love you!

(and to agree with the above commenters - "fucktard" is most excellent.

I don't get to use it much, what with Schecky being around most of the time - but with Atlanta traffic being what it is, I THINK it all the damn time. What I do say all the time, though, is "jack hat" - I figure it combines jackass and asshat, yet technically, it's nothing you can't say in front of the boy.

But Bubba says that *I* am the one who is going to have to attend THAT parent-teacher conference. You know, the "language" one....)

Lisa said...

That word is destined for a plaque on my home office wall! I hear you and share your pain. Just get new tiles and stick over where you pulled the old ones out. Pretty easy to cut to fit if the don't quite go in the space anymore. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure that's why God made area rugs.
Hang in there, and if you find a good use for "used children with expired warranties" give me a jingle as I'll be anxious to know what to do with them myself.

Rebecca F. said...

Your version is hilarious.

fidget said...

d a picture of my floor. No REALLY. We have that same weird 70s-esq tile with the fancy corners OVER the same dang compacted linoleum but not really type stuff... same colors and EVERYTHING.. FAHHHHREEEEAAAAAAKKKKKKKYYYYY

Gale said...

Oh my gawd, it looks like my floor. Get a hot air gun, it works wonders and you get high on the fumes. Knocks the kids and pets right the hell out. We walked on wood underneath for 2 years before the tile was replaced. Grat fun.