Pppppfffftttt. Oh, please. I totally talk for my own entertainment.
Especially now. May I present.... Laura, doped up on drugs! Yay, drugs! Druggie, druggie drugs! Fantabulous druggie, drugs. Drrrrrrruuuuuuugggggsss!
Apparently, the medical world does not like toes turning purple. Toes turning purpley-grey equals bad, bad, bad.
So bad, everyone wanted me to go to the ER Sunday night. One hundred dollar co-pay? No, thank you. I'll keep my toes elevated to prevent purpleness and go to my regular doctor Monday morning.
But, before I go, I must have a decorated cast! Yes! Decorated cast! That is the Most Important Thing to have for Going Out in Public.
So I commissioned two wonderful artists to help out in my goal...
Both artists firmly believe in drawing lines through others' artwork. Then, off to the doctor!
Who made sure I kept my foot elevated. It was concluded that some swelling went down, but my ankle decided to swell. The swelling of the ankle was aggravated by the cast and caused nerves to get pinched, thus the purpley toes. So it Must Come Off!
Off With Her Cast! Argh!
Yes, I was nicked with the saw.
Yes, I was nicked on more than one occasion.
Yes, it Hurt Like Hell.
And then wedging the cast off was The Worst Part, Oh My Gawd. Because to wedge it, it put pressure on my foot where the broken bone is and OW, OW, OW!
And my foot is now a lovely shade of green. And for the record, Aaron did not marry me based on the looks of my feet. In fact, he thinks my feet are ugly, and yes, I believe this is all information the internets need to know.
The doctor took some x-rays, and yes! My Break is Worse!
So the doctor wanted to put another cast on, which to me seemed like The Worst Idea Mankind Had Ever Come Up With, You Can Take Your Twenty Pound Fiberglas And Shove It, You're NOT Putting Anymore Of That Shit On Me. Fortunately for me, I'm a fast talker and finally convinced the doctor to give me a stiff boot (it's adjustable!), because if he gives me another cast I'm just gonna be back in his office bitching and complaining and needing something else done.
My doctor is a Very Smart Man. Deciding with me that having a Bitching and Complaining Laura in his office every few days is not a good idea.
So I got back on August 7th for more x-rays and hopefully the okay to start bearing weight on my foot. Until then, I have to have constant help because I Am Not Allowed To Do Anything Except Going To The Bathroom And I Should Consider Myself Lucky That The Doctor Is Not Forcing Me To Have A Bathroom Buddy Because This Is A Serious Break And Oh My Gawd The World May Come To An End If I Do Anything Other Than Lay On My Ass And Keep My Foot Elevated For The Next Five Weeks.
And apparently, no one decided to tell me that a side effect of Laying On My Ass All The Time is constipation.
Thanks a lot, internet.