Thursday, June 01, 2006

I Scratch a Living, it Ain't Easy, You Know it's a Drag

Okay, internet. We need to have a talk.

The next time I claim I've got a cockamaney idea, you need to talk me out of it. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I am a danger to myself and those I love when I have cockamaney ideas. And then, who do you think I'm going to turn to and bitch and complain? You, internet, you.

So my cockamaney idea this time was to make a picnic blanket. And, gee, wouldn't it be cute if it was red, white and blue? I probably think of these colors as representative of the hot days of summer because of the 4th of July, but that's off topic. Anyway, wouldn't it be cute patchworked? Oh, and I guess it would need some batting to be soft under our tooshies.

The fucking picnic blanket has now exploded into a full-sized quilt.

Quilt, internet. QUILT.

With binding, internet. BINDING.

What person in their right mind looks around their home and says, "Hmmm... my husband's out on a two week business trip and both of my children are feverish and sick. I know! I know! This is the perfect time to MAKE A QUILT! And, hey! I've NEVER MADE A QUILT BEFORE!"

No one, that's who, internet. NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIGHT WOULD DO SUCH AN INSANE THING.

No one but me, and it has been well established that I'm BATSHIT CRAZY.

And, to top things off, the thirty bucks I already spent wasn't even enough fabric to make half of the quilt top.

So this morning I had to drag my sick kids with my to the fabric store (I'm so evil, taking them out of the house and exposing others, I'm horrible) to get even more fabric. Seventy-two dollars later and I have plenty of fabric to finish the quilt top, but not the back.

Holyfuckingshit, this is really expensive. My allowance money I've been hoarding is gone, gone, gone.

And then I stayed up till past midnight doing this...


Each row consists of 13 blocks. And no, those rows are not sewed together but placed strategically close to give you an idea of what I'm doing. The final quilt (oh, crap, I'm making a quilt) will have 14 rows. Each finished block will measure six inches square, with half an inch seam allowances (I've learned from Griffin's blanket: quarter inch seams are not strong enough in this family).

I didn't realize it until today that this will go famously with our picnic basket.


It is the only thing remotely patriotic we own. It was purchased when we had a real president in office and this country acted like our biggest problem was some dried-up jizz on a blue dress.

So, after staying up till past midnight making those rows, I decided to decompress by watching some DVR'd t.v.

Aaron has one hard and fast rule in this house... I am not allowed to watch Law & Order: SVU or Close to Home late at night, especially when he's out of town.

Chances are, if you tell me I'm not allowed to do something, I'm totally gonna do it.

So I sat down and watched one of the saved episodes of Close to Home, not realizing I chose the season finale.

First of all, the whole episode was about pedaphiles and the internet, which nearly sent my into hysterics over my photos here.

Then, at the end of the episode, THEY KILLED OFF ANNA BETH'S HUSBAND. He was hit by a drunk driver.

So, they double-whammied me into being very nervous and completely freaking out at one o'clock in the morning and Aaron thousands of miles away.

So, do you have a better understanding of why you should discourage my cockamaney ideas?

Because I'm gonna start holding you responsible for them.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

YOu can't blame me for anything...I'm anonymous now. You have NO idea who I am.
=======
You are nuts. A quilt! Well, it's looking good but that whole money thing sucks..which is why I am sticking to mostly thrift store stuff. You are braver than I...I'm putting off quilt making for years I think.
My hubby always has us watching those shows at night...but he is always here, but I can totally see getting all freaked out being alone. How 'bout an inflatable stand in husband for you? Don't take that in a dirty way...speaking of dirty...who knew one could actually miss a president? please come back playboy Clinton.

autum said...

I know it isn't nice to laugh at someone else's troubles but I am laughing out loud here. You crack me up you crazy girl!

Alicia A. said...

Oh, Laura, you're so funny!

Remember it's just a tv show. (That's what Brian has to tell me all the time.)

And your picnic QUILT will rock. Just take your time! Labor Day, that's a nice patriotic holiday too! Shoot for then.

Ali said...

Does the cookbook suddenly seem a better option?!

kristi (lazy/hazy/batshit crazy) said...

A QUILT? It will be stunning, but yes, dear, you are batshit crazy. Not that there's anything wrong with that. ;)
But remember, these are supposed to be the LAZY, hazy, crazy days of summer, so don't work too hard.

Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

Can you change your mind and make a scarf? LOL! Good Luck.

LLA said...

I second what autum said!

And you my be BSC - but we love you for it!

marshamlow said...

I go bat shit crazy when my hubby is gone too, especially in the middle of the night. I wonder if it is because I don't want to lay awake in bed and worry? Or if it is because I feel so out of control with all that is going on that I just want to have accomplished something? At least you aren't the only crazy one out there.

Amy said...

I have 2 words for you. LARGE BORDER. Oh, and TIE IT. Binding is a cinch though once you learn a few tricks. How fun! I'm an enabler when it comes to quilts so don't go asking me to talk you out of it. Scary TV - I'll stop you there -- "Turn that stuff off man. Rots your brain like crack cocaine."

Mary-Heather said...

This is really funny. Can I just point out that when you finish the quilt, you will have the cutest 4th of July picnic set EVER?!?! The same thing just happened to me: I just decided I was going to make a picnic blanket for my mom with beachy fabrics, I ordered all the fabrics online, I found a cute pattern for the perfect throw, which I realized is a quilt... and I've never made a quilt before! And I have 4 weeks. My heart is set on it now, so too bad about all the sleep I'll miss, I guess. I'm totally with you on this post!

babybug said...

$72!! holy cow, well, the quilt does look really NICE!
before babybug was born we used to watch all the L&O shows. a couple of weeks ago i watched svu (cause i love mr. big) and it was so violent. husband made babybug stay in the other room. is it getting more graffic and perverted or did i just forget it was always like that?

lindiepindie said...

I tend to stay up late working like crazy when my hubby is gone as well. I also like to take shortcuts, though. Here's one (and please don't yell at me, all you quilters): You could back it with a flat sheet - maybe one that you already own, or one at a discount store (Marshall's, TJMaxx, Ross - not sure what you have on your side of the country.) I read someplace that backing a quilt with a sheet was wrong and bad and wrong and bad and yes, wrong AND bad, but I did it with my first quilt, and have no regrets. And yeah - when it's all said and done, handmade quilts get REALLY expensive. I'm all for 1/2 inch seems, too. Have fun with it - it's going to look GREAT!

jojo* said...

I hope nobody but you reads this comment, because I'm going to go against the grain here and say: YOU CAN DO IT! Your first quilt, YAY!!! You're not crazy. Cutting all the pieces is most of the work, and you've done that already. You're halfway there. The fabrics you've chosen look great...it's going to turn out beautifully. Wish I lived closer, I'd come over and cheer you on. And actually, a deadline is a good thing, because it means you'll be motivated to get it done. Do you know how many unfinished quilt tops I have hanging around here? Ugh!

Shelina said...

Oh this post is so incredibly hilarious. Really to be a quilter you do kinda have to be off your rocker. I mean who would pay big bucks to buy fabric, just to cut it up and spend hours sewing it back together again? And if that wasn't enough, then you have to make a sandwich, and sew some more on top of all your sewing! And then, you might as well start a few other quilts, so your quilt won't be lonely. I should know - my quilts are definitely not lonely.