Thursday, September 27, 2007

My Baby's on the Level


(Yes, we are still sick. I'm trying really, really hard to avoid death. I'll spare you the gross horrid details, but suffice to say: HAVING THE FLU SUCKS. Darwin sounds like Darth Vader with lots of wheezing and hacking, so I've taught him to preface anything he says with Luke.... ::gasp of air:: ... I am your father. Yes, as a matter of fact: I did have children for the mindless entertainment value. Didn't you?)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I've Been Waiting for a Feeling That Never, Ever Came; it Feels So Close, But Always Disappears

Gah.

Why is it when I call Mercy! on being sick, the germs decide that's the perfect time to really Kick My Ass?

I convinced Aaron to stay home from work today so I can try to get over this. I think my neck is going to explode from my lymph nodes being so damn swollen. OH. And he just left to go to work. Bastard.

I have nothing more to say, really. Other than I'm dying. It was nice knowin' you all.

Geesh. That's a little harsh. But I've alway been well known for my DRAMATICS.

So (yes, let's change the subject, because even though everyone loves my crazy, we shouldn't overload on it, right? right).

I signed up to do this great little holiday swap (Halloween, Thankgiving-ish and Winter Solstice-ish) over at Sweet Goodness Swaps. I got teamed with Tamy (hi!) for a partner. Turns out she's even left some comments here BUT NEVER HER URL.

Y'all. Seriously. Linky-linky.

ANYWAY. (You can tell those germs are eating away at what few brain cells I have left. And let me just say, THANK YOU GODDESS ALMIGHTY for firefox's red underline-y spell checker thing.)

(Dude. Now BOTH of my kids are asleep. This rocks.)

So, there's some questions I get to answer to help Tamy (hi!) get to know me better. And here they are:

1. Favorite Color: Orange and Barn Red. But not together. Really, I don't think I've ever met a color I didn't like.

2. Chocolate Lover? Milk, Dark, White, or none of the above? Chooooocoooolaaattteeeee. ::drool:: I prefer dark or a dark milk (yes, there is such a thing).

3. What is your favorite craft hobby? I have to pick a favorite? I really like working with paper and fabric. Don't ask me to choose, that's just not nice.

4. What is a craft/art hobby that you would like to start? Um... I would like to get more into embroidery. I have some stuff but I don't think I've been fully inspired yet.

5. What craft do you NOT have an interest in or just not great in (so your partner doesn’t send something you wouldn’t use)? Knitting and crocheting. I want to want to like it and get into it, it just hasn't happened yet.

6. Do you have any allergies? (we don’t want to send anything with peanuts if it’ll make you blow up like a balloon!) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, why, yes, yes I do.

I am allergic to wheat and have celiac disease. Which means I can't have anything with wheat or gluten in it. This are often disguised as "natural flavors" "vanillin" and a slew of other ingredients. It sucks. It's difficult. So if you don't want to send any food it would be perfectly okay by me.

7.What’s your favorite part of Halloween? Decorating, candy eating, costumes, or something else? Decorating. Definitely. Especially since the only candy we can eat from the trick-or-treating adventure is swedish fish, smarties and dum dum lolipops. Aaron gets the rest of the stash and I think that's his favorite part (and he is proud to add that whatever I can't have, he will gladly eat. You know, because we're a team and all).

8. Do you decorate for Thanksgiving/Fall? Um... kinda. I put out fresh pillowcases. I want to do more than that, but it often doesn't happen.

9. December Holidays--what holiday do you celebrate? What type of decorations do you like to put up in your house for that holiday? HAHAHAHAHAHA, oh, Tamy (hi!). I feel a little sorry for ya. I claim we celebrate Festivus (for the rest of us!) (with the Airing of Grievances). We actually celebrate Christmas, but without any connection to religion. So, we do the whole tree thing (with lots of hand made ornaments each year) (the more clashy the better), the Santa thing and, of course, the whole food thing.

10. Do you have any children, if so what are their ages, boys/girls? I have two boys, Griffin is five and Darwin is three. They have more allergies than I do.

11. Do you have any pets, if so what kind? We have a baby Western Painted Turtle, aka Tuckie the Turtle Lord. He's currently boycotting all food other than black crickets. Which, OF COURSE, are not available for sale, we have to catch them outside.

12. Are you a reader? If so, what type of books do you like? Yes, I love to read. And this is where people moan, I like to read novels that really make you think. Like those by Toni Morrison, love her. Unfortunately, being a mother has really ruined my brain and has caused me to embrace my magazine fetish.

13. Are you celebrating a birthday or anniversary in October, November, or December? If so, what day and what is the occasion? Nope. But our wedding anniversary is September 30th. And I'm hoping to make a gluten-free coconut cake. IF I GET OVER THE FLU, of course.

14. Do you collect anything? If so what type of things do you collect? I use to collect pez dispensers (now over 800). But I finally gave that up. Does paper crafts and fabric count as a "collection"? Because, if so, oh, honey.

15. What type of things do you like to cook? Are you an appetizer person, cookie maker, dessert freak or a take out type of person? I cook anything and everything, within the guidelines of our food allergies. I try to make food that I can reserve parts for for the boys (like, before adding dairy in) in the main meal. Even with our allergies, I refuse to make two dinners every night. For fun, (yes, fun) I like to figure out how to make baked good gluten-free. Laura cannot live without muffins, cupcakes and cookies. Hell no.

16. What is your favorite scent? Is there one that you can’t stand? Vanilla. And I really like cinnamon and orange too. I don't like ones that smell musky or fruity.

17. What’s your favorite song? I like big butts and I cannot lie.... I dunno. Again with the favorites. Geesh. I like all sorts of music. Particularly stuff that gives me energy.

18. What’s the last movie you went to see at the movie theater? Becoming Jane was the last "grown up" movie. Underdog was the last kids movie (and I rarely get to see grown up movies in theater). I totally wanna go see The Darjeeling Limited when it comes out.

19. What’s your favorite Candy? Dark chocolate. Plain M&Ms (but they have to come in the large bag to be gluten-free. Did you know that? The ingredients change in M&Ms based on how they are packaged. How fucked up is that?). Vosges' Woolloomooloo Bar (with macadamia nuts, coconut and hemp seeds). Dark chocolate with almonds. Not necessarily in that order, of course.

20. Tea or Coffee or other? Both! But, again with the allergies. I can only have plain flavors of anything. It really, really, really sucks.

Oh crap, feel free to ask anymore questions. Is this even coherent? Gah, I hate the flu.

Monday, September 24, 2007

It Can't All be Wedding Cake, it Can't All be Boiled Away

Our weekend was a lot of this...


... lying around trying to avoid death.

I don't know what it is, but I always get sick around equinoxes and solstices. Something about the world being in balance really fucks me up.

Both kids are still sick, as is practically everyone I know. Urgh. Can I be done yet? Come on, it's been four or five days. That's enough.

Despite not feeling our best, we tried to get things done. The main one was getting a new cable box.

Our cable company did some "upgrades" that our DVR box was accepting so we had to take it in and get a new one.

Little did we know the "upgrades" were really DOWNGRADES and now the cable box is really nothing more than a pile of shit designed to drive me fucking crazy.

I'm suppose to write a letter to the cable company, send it to the local offices and well as the national office, but Aaron wants me to refrain from cursing.

"What the fuck? I can't curse?"

"No, Laura. If you call them a bunch of cocksuckers and fucktards they're just gonna throw your letter away."

"But you're taking away my voice!"

"I'm not taking away your voice, just the cursing."

"CURSING IS MY VOICE!"

Gah. Men. Fuck.

This weekend I also got an email from Laura (LLA if you're nasty) telling me the new Lego Advent calendar is up on the Lego site.

Now I don't know if you realize this or not, but we like Legos in this household. Every year I get a Lego Advent Calendar. This started long before I had kids. Mainly because I'm a nerd. And love Legos.

In 2005 I accidentally purchased the Lego City Advent Calendar because I thought it was different. Um, yeah. Different doesn't even begin to describe that fucking advent calendar. Prior to that, the Lego advent calendars had been cool, "safe" things like snowmen, angels and reindeer.

In 2006 the only Lego advent calendar available was the City version. I couldn't find a reasonable, non-fucked version anywhere. So I did want any normal nerd would do: I wrote about the Lego advent calendar as we did it for the whole month.

Because nothing says "happy holidays" like a stoned air traffic controller and an anal probe machine.

This year, Lego has introduced three advent calendars. I can't decide which one I want ("Aaron! There's three this year!" "You can only have one." "What?!" "One." "Come on, we have two kids, we can have at least two, right?" "No, one." "You suck." "Not as well as you, my dear.").

So... let's take a closer look.

(Images selfishly stolen from lego.com) (As is the text.)

It’s 24 days of LEGO building fun with the LEGO City Advent Calendar! Includes 24 city-themed surprises for the season, including LEGO minifigures, accessories and more!

  • Each day open a new window in the specially designed Advent Calendar box to reveal a new set - 24 in all!
  • Models include LEGO City equipment and minifigures, plus a tree, fireplace and more!
Read as: more stoned air traffic controllers and jewel thieves. Awesome for teaching your children how to properly pull off a heist.


Celebrate the season with the LEGO Belville Advent Calendar! Includes 24 different LEGO surprises, including cute animals, beautiful fairies, and more. It’s like a Christmas fairy tale come true!
  • Each day open a new window in the specially designed Belville Advent Calendar box to reveal a new set - 24 in all!
  • Models include animals, accessories, fairy, and more!
Read as: Keep your children fucking delusional and teach them the world is full of rainbows, gumdrops and FAIRIES.


Get in the holiday spirit with this exciting CLIKITS™ Advent Calendar! Open the calendar door each day from December 1st through 24th to find another CLIKITS surprise: icons, frames, pictures, and more, plus building instructions. Make jewelry, ornaments, gift tags, cards and more. Every week, use the instructions provided to combine elements to create an extra model! Hours of holiday fun!

Read as: all the cool stuff you need to teach your children to be crafty and bitchy all at once. Does not come with supplies from abercrombie kids or bratz dolls.

So... which one should I choose? Which one is the most fucked up?

Friday, September 21, 2007

I Wish I'd Stayed Asleep Today

For two nights in a row now I've been kept up nearly all night with not-quite-sick-enough but really-fucking-uncomfortable and not-perfectly-healthy children.

And now I have germy sludge waving around in my head making it impossible for me to do anything in my normal capabilities which, granted, aren't all that fantabulous but sure as hell beats the pants off this moving-slower-than-a-turtle shit.

Griffin's home from school today with a fever, which he thinks is great. So I'm thinking, the fever isn't all that high (101.3) and keeping him pretty docile, I'm not gonna give him anything to lower his fever. If you're sick, act like it. And fucking motrin takes their aches and pains away and then they're running around the room. And I'm just not in the mood for that today.

I've been getting a lot requests wanting to know how Griffin's school is doing. ::sigh:: He doesn't like school, there's no science program. He's not getting challenged enough to be interested in learning the basics so he doesn't like it. We do projects at home with him that suggest an age range from 8 to 15 years old. And for him to be expected to learn things for a five year old? Pshaw. Totally not worth his time in his mind.

He still haves the long-term substitute teacher. A rumor was going around that they hired a permanent teacher, but we haven't heard anything "official" yet. I know for certain that Griffin's classroom does have course books for everyone and he says they have cubbies now. Past that, I'm have no clue how well the class is outfitted, given how strict they are with security and not letting adults who don't work there getting too far into the hallways. ::sigh::

What matters to me now is that he is learning to read and write. To me, that's what Kindergarten is all about. We continue to do lots of science stuff with him at home. And discussion has begun for getting him tested for the "gifted" or "advanced" classes. But we need to wait until the basics are covered. AND he goes back to his Occupational Therapist in October for a re-evaluation for his Sensory Integration Disorder/Borderline High Functioning Autism, who told us years ago that he functioned on a higher level of "intelligence" for kids his age.

Whew.

In other news, I found out about this today:


The new Chronic-what-cles of Narnia comes out May 16th. I shameless stole the image from here, where you can also read about the details from the movie. Andy Samberg better damn-well make another video and song for this one too.

Oh, and this came out yesterday:



Note to self: buy Aaron some new jeans, oh my hell. And some pretty panties too (booty shakin' looks better with pretty panties).

Thursday, September 20, 2007

It's Been a Long Time (Long Time)

While randomly singing yesterday...

"It's been a long time, long time, sugar lips..."

"Don't call me that!"

"Huh?"

"Don't call me that, Mom!"

"What'd I call you?"

"Sugar lips! Don't call me sugar lips!"

"Griff, I didn't call you sugar lips!" ::pause:: "It's been a long time, sugar lips..."

"Don't call me that!"

"FINE." ::pause:: "Lips like sugar, sugar kisses...""

"Don't call me that!"

"I DIDN'T CALL YOU ANYTHING."

"STOP SAYING ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH MY LIPS AND SUGAR. Hey, can I have a piece of cake?"

(Apparently, I had the lyrics wrong anyway. I always thought it was "It's been a long time, sugar lips" and it's actually "It's been a long time, we shouldn't have left you." Um, I did a stellar job at fucking those lyrics up for years. Super.)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

You Don't Look Twice Cause You Move So Fast

Today is one of those days that just magically jumped up and bit me in the ass.

And it's nothing in particular, just the kids being kids and my dad being my dad and my dad's business being his business and the sun being the sun and all shiny and shit and really, how much would it cost to go to Greece? I can leave the kids at the airport, they'd love with all those long echo-y halls and multiple bathrooms to splash and germs to get infected with.

And you know what is particularly pissing me off?

Someone sent me one of those it-doesn't-matter-who-you-are- now-because-in-200-years-all-that-will-be-remembered-of- you-is-how-you-were-in-the-life-of-a-child-bullshit emails.

Because fuck yeah, who cares if every damn dish in the house is dirty and you "accidentally" ripped up five of the peeling self adhesive tiles out of your dining room over a week ago and you can't clean that toxic adhesive stuff and you know it has wheat in it because you feet get sticky when you sit down to do work and then your feet start breaking out in little blisters but cleaning up that god damn glue is fucking impossible and then you start neglecting your children and the social services comes and takes your kids away because of the floor and piled dishes and in 200 years you're gonna be known and remembered as the dumbfuck that ripped out her floors and social services took her kids away because of it.


So, yeah. SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING GREAT IDEA.

Don't do anything. Don't work. Don't pay bills. Don't answer the phone. Don't do any laundry. Don't weed your garden. Don't go to the pumpkin patch. Don't go by Tuckie a new habitat because he's growing. Don't go to the pharmacy and get your children their allergy medicine BECAUSE IN TWO HUNDRED YEARS IT WON'T MATTER.

Yeah, I'll get right on it fucktard.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Repeat, Repeat the Words That I Know We Both Said

"Woman!"

"What?"

"Do you know what your son just did?"

"Uh... no?"

"As I was walking Griffin up to bed he was going 'fah... fah... fah... fah...'"

"Uh-huh?"

"'Fah... fah... fah... FUCK.' And I said, 'Griffin! We don't say that word. Why did you say that?' and he said, 'We were learning sounds today and teacher said to find words that begin with fah. So I did. FUCK.' So then I told him we don't use that word and came up with other words like farm and fun but I'm certain his teacher didn't tell him to learn words that began with 'fah' but words that began in 'fff.'"

"Well, I know he didn't learn that word from me."

"Didn't learn that word from you My Ass."

"You just said ASS. He totally learned that word from you."

"If he had said shit, I'd agree. But he most certainly learned 'fuck' from you!"

Fuck.

Monday, September 17, 2007

You Think You're Tired Now, But Wait Until Three...

I went to bed yesterday at four o'clock in the afternoon. It was very nice.

Past that... AARON FINALLY CAME HOME. And we had my parents over for dinner to celebrate my dad's birthday.

(That would be a gluten-free devil's food cake with dark chocolate buttercream.)

And we did lots of family shit over the weekend. And the environmental allergens flared up to royally kick my ass.

Yeah, Aaron's been home for four days now and I really can't think of anything I've accomplished that I want to accomplish but I can say my sanity has been restored.

Well, as much sanity that I have, that is.

Ali tagged me for a meme, and let me say: I'm really awful at completing memes that I've been tagged for. In fact, if you ever wanna tag someone for a meme because you can't think of enough people, feel free to tag me. I'm a total slacker. Go ahead, feel better about yourself, I'll be the asshole that didn't complete the meme.

Now, that said, I really do like doing memes. And I don't know why I don't do them more often. OH WAIT, YES I DO: I'm a total slacker. Duh!

Okay, now on to the meme...

1. Do you promote your blog?

Notsomuch anymore. I use to leave tons of comments everywhere and now I'm lucky if I can leave one or two a week on my very good friends' sites.

2. How often do you check hits?

Way too fucking much. At least three times a day. I also check where people are from and what sent them to me. Shameless self indulgent whore.

3. Do you stick to one topic?

Fuck no. Well, yes, kinda. It is all about me.

4. Who knows that you have a blog?

Pretty much everyone knows I have one. But very few people actually have the address. And those who do have the address don't read it anyway.

5. How many blogs do you read?

Over 300. I think it's more addictive than crack.

6. Are you a fast reader?

Yes, luckily. A fast commenter, no.

7. Do you customize your blog or do anything technical?

Not much. But I finally learned how to upload new banners and change my colors around. That counts, right?

8. Do you blog anonymously?

Nope. My name is actually Laura Capello. My husband's name is Aaron. My kids are Griffin and Darwin. I have enough shit in my life, I can't remember pseudonyms too.

Although, I will say that I do not use Aaron's and the boys' last name (and what should be the last half of my hyphenated last name, except I'm a lazy ass and have never gone down to Social Security to change my name after nearly seven years of marriage).

9. To what extent do you censor yourself?

Believe it or not, I actually do censor myself. I do not talk shit about people. Like, crazy family shit and whether or not people in the family like me or not, and who's popping what pills and what so-and-so just did. Or if a certain friend is acting like a major ass. I respect people, goddess damn it.

10. The best thing about blogging?

Being able to purge all the shit floating around in my brain so I can focus on more important things. Like what cake I'm making next.

So, just like I'm really awful at doing meme's, I'm also really awful at tagging people. So if you do this, email me or leave me a comment so I can read your answers too.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Why You Make-A-Me Work So Hard

Griffin is upstairs, in his room, screaming his head off. Thrashing is involved.

Because I won't let him scream his head off in the living room and I sent him upstairs, his hissy fit is multiplied by fifty. At least. And that's damn impressive.

The fit has something to do with Legos. Maybe Darwin broke something he made? Really, I don't give a fuck.

Rule: if you don't want anyone messing with something, PUT IT UP.

Rule: don't bitch about it if they do because you didn't put it up.

Oh my hell.

Four more fucking hours, four more fucking hours, four more fucking hours...

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Ah F-F-F-Foolin'

While I was on the phone with a friend...

"Hey Mommy, who are you talkin' too?"

"I'm talkin' to the gypsies, Griffin. We're trying to agree on a price for you."

"Oh.... I DON'T WANT TO BE SOLD TO THE GYPSIES! Wwwwaaaaaaahhhhhh! DON'T SELL ME TO THE GYPSIES! I'D MISS DADDY TOO MUCH!"

"Daddy?"

"Yeah, Daddy! BECAUSE HE'S NOT THE ONE SELLING ME TO THE GYPSIES!"

"But it's because of HIS five-week business trip that I need to sell you to the gypsies!"

(One more day, oh my heavenly fuck, one more day.)

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

And I'm Giving All My Love to This World

"Mommy?"

"Yes, Griffin?"

"I can't wait to go to the art fair!"

"Great!"


"Hey, Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"If I meet an artist I like, can I invite them over to look at my art?"


"Mommy?"

"Yes, Griffin?"

"This one really isn't art. I don't like it."

"Why?"

"Because it looks too much like real life. Art shouldn't look like real life."

Alrighty, then.


"Mommy, we need to hang your art in the playroom."

"No, I think we'll hang it in the living room."

"But! I want it in the playroom with my art."

"I know that, Griff. But we should have art throughout our home, not just in the playroom."

Monday, September 10, 2007

And I Feel Like I Just Got Home

{Before}



{After}



Those damn curtains took me nearly all damn weekend to make them. Including countless times of sending naughty-naughty children to put their noses in the corner. And ironing. And sewing on the kitchen counter. And pinning the fabric on carpet. And dust (god damn, those old ones were gross).

But it was so totally worth it.

Friday, September 07, 2007

If You Start Me Up, If You Start Me Up I'll Never Stop

Holy fucking shit, y'all.


The fabric is getting cut.

And I'm sniffling.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

There is Something Goin' Down

On the walk to get Griffin from school today...

"Hey Darwin, can you sing your ABC's?"

"Yep! A, B, C, D, E, M, N, O, P, X, Y, Z!"

"Um, let's try that again, okay?"

"Otay!"

"A, B..."

"A, B..."

"C, D..."

"C,D.."

"E, F..."

"E, F..."

"G, H..."

"G, H..."

"I, J..."

"I, J..."

"K, L.."

"Karate!"

"
M, N..."

"Karate!"

"O, P..."

"Karate! Karate! KARATE!"

"Q, R.."

"KaraTE!"

"S, T..."

"Karate chop!"

"U, V..."

"Karate!"

"W, X..."

"Karate chop-chop!"

"Y and Z."

"Karate! Let's do that again, Mommy!"

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

She Can Roll with the Punches Long as She Feels Like She's in Control

Operation De-Poopify the House is underway.

My house is way too brown. Or, at least, the living room is.

Now, if you went and looked at the pictures, please note the big massive wardrobe is back in the entry room and the entry room has been painted a mossy green. Oh, and those brown end tables are on either side of the couch.

This weekend I bought seven yards of pretty fabric to replace my hideous drapes. Good gravy, someone liked depressing drapes, didn't they?


Whew, that's gonna be so much better when completed.

I have lots of ironing to do, obviously. And I have to figure out which sheet to use for the backing or if I need to purchase something else (please, sweet baby universe, let a thrifted sheet be long enough, amen).

Also? Me thinks I need to take new pix of the room. Those are way out dated.

And also? We need to have a vote -- I think I want to tear down this flower arrangement thingy that was left by the last owner, over seven years ago. It's been bothering me for... oh, since we moved in.

Hey, if "Capello" doesn't stand for "productive" and "on the ball" and "making her house her home immediately after purchasing it" I don't know what does.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Something in Your Eyes Calls to Mind the Silver Screen and All its Sad Good-Byes

Aaron's gone. ::sigh:: Again. ::sigh:: For at least another week. ::sigh::

I don't know if I'll survive if I continue to huff and puff. ::sigh::

Griffin is doing much better, now improved with normal poops!

He's really gonna love me in 10 years, I just know it.

Apparently over the course of relaxing and fighting over Legos all weekend (my Legos are my Legos, I am not required to share), Aaron and I caught Griffin's stomach bug.

Turns out you really don't want to eat or drink anything.

Unless you are me and come up with a magic tonic.


Also known as a mojito. Don't you fucking judge me.

It has everything in it to cure stomach ailments -- alcohol to kill the bug, simple syrup to help you metabolize the alcohol, club soda to make it fizzy and thus a drink for those who are sick and mint and limes for nutrients.

In fact, ::whine:: my stomach hurts. I think I need another.