Monday, October 01, 2007

They Don't Know Where and They Don't Know When

I have fallen so far off the earth, friends are calling to make sure I'm alive.

(Hi Kristi!)

(Hi Shawna!)

(Hi Amy!)


Friday morning I was officially fed up. I told Aaron I wanted to go to my alternative doctor for treatment and we kinda, sorta got into a fight. Something about me saying I was really fucking sick and him saying something about I'm nearly over it.

After he left for work, I called the real family doctor (you know, as opposed to the fake alternative family doctor) and left immediately to make the appointment.

(The alternative doctor is expensive. And 45 minutes away. I don't take the kids with me to those appointments. If I'm spending $100 on an office visit, I'm doing it ALONE. Where I can get UNDIVIDED, PERSONAL ATTENTION. Like during sex. But not the same kind of attention. Get your head out of gutter.)

So I went to the mainstream doctor. Who used words like wow and - I'm not even remotely kidding - that's gross.

Nothing makes me feel as special as the doctor telling me something about my body is gross. I just get filled with warm fuzzies. Or maybe contempt and disgust.

So, the doctor diagnosed me with the flu (duh), horribly infested lymph nodes and bronchitis. Then he spent 15 minutes trying to figure out an antibiotic he could prescribe that I'm not allergic to.

Allergies are fun.

(Haha, and you all thought I just had food allergies. That's funny.)

(You know what's not funny? Hives. And ambulance rides to the hospital. And having a "flush" which ALWAYS makes my va-jay-jay burn.)

So, yeah, hi, I'm on a new antibiotic. And the side effects are KILLER. You know, things like dizziness and seeing things and insomnia and gastrointestinal issues. Wow, drugs rock.

One more day... one more day... and then hopefully a day after that I won't be SO DAMN CRAZY FROM THE DRUGS. Seriously, is this what ecstasy feels like? How about speed? Is this what speed feels like? If I weren't so damn dizzy I might actually like it. Well, except for the GASTROINTESTINAL ISSUES.

But HEY. I had an epiphany whilst at the pharmacy waiting for mah drugz to be ready.

About six months ago, the damn dental hygienist told me to change my mouthwash. She practically beat me over the head with a two pound bottle of new mouthwash, preaching the benefits, and made me promise to switch.

Well, guess what? The new mouthwash DIDN'T BURN. And guess how fucking sick I have been in the past six months? Guess!

Well, I don't know the answer to that -- but it's certainly TOO MUCH.

While I was at the pharmacy, I ran into a long, lost lover:

And ever since my mouth has burned like hell fire. I SWEAR, I'm completely done with being sick. This is ridiculous and out of control.


Alicia A. said...

feel better now. I mean it.

I always use the Target brand listerine. It burns too. Mmmm... tastes like burning...

(OK. Right now the captcha thing wants visual verification of ????? there's nothing there. Ok, now it thinks I'm an idiot and gave me some.)

LauraJ said...

ugh ugh ugh....and more ugh.... sorry I meant hug.

LLA said...

oh punkin...

so, so, sorry.

And yeah, Listerine ROCKS! What the hell kind of dental hygienist suggests anything else????

lera said...

Please get better. I don't like it when you're sick.

I hope the Listerine works and you never get sick again.

Heidijayhawk said...

holy crap girl!! knock it off. get better. now.

Chara Michele said...

Get better! Seriously:)
Uck to allergies...

monica said...

I'll stick with Gin. I'm sure alcohol kills germs... you could you use it wipe your house surfaces too and then get some benefits from the fumes. And if you add lemon... it'll smell nice too!!

angela said...

Yeeeowser mama! Sicky sick! Your doc. sounds friggin' swell.
I do hope the med.s help you soon and the spinning stops.
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time though. :(

futuregirl said...

I love me the Listerine. I've heard that it kills hoof rot in horses. That's the kind of power I want. :)

laeroport said...

oh honey. I hope the burn makes it all better.

Chickenbells said...

Damn. Stupid sick...stupid stupid...Rich and I were talking last night about antibiotics (I know...romantic huh?) and we were both lamenting over the fact that if we get an infection...we may be toast because we're both so allergic to them...bit he assured me "there are sooo many more now" Wow. That's going to be a fun experament...

Get well soon...

oilclothjunkie said...

heck yes woman, you need to get well!

amandajean said...

I hope you feel better soon.

nice comments from the doctor. he sure knows how to make you feel better, eh?

Angelina said...

Am I missing out big time by not using a mouth wash? I mean, have I been stewing in untold grime all this time? I kind of feel itchy in my mouth now.

so are you saying the old mouthwash which made your mouth burn actually helped keep you healthier? And the one that didn't make your mouth burn has done nothing for you but not burn your mouth? That sucks.

So does a doctor saying anything about a patient is gross.

sulu-design said...

Ack! I hope this illness crap finishes soon. I can't believe what you're going through.
My last doctor called me a "dermatological nightmare" before she called in three of here parteners to stare at a horrible rash I'd gotten. Then, none of them were able to diagnose me. I love professionals.