Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Celebrate Good Times, Come On!

"Aaron? You need to get all the stuff out of the back of the van."

"Okay."

" Soon."

"Okay."

"Like, now."

"O-kay."

"What are you doing on the computer?"

"Looking stuff up."

"What's so damn important you aren't getting up?"

"Stuff."

"What stuff?"

::sigh::

"What stuff?"

"Pinworms."

"Does your butt hole itch?"

"YES, as a matter of fact it does."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Have you been inspecting your poop?"

"As well as I possibly could."

"And you didn't notice any?"

"Not yet."

"So I guess I need to inspect your butt hole?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Dude. We're married. Wouldn't you rather have me inspect your butt hole? Who else are you gonna ask to look up in there?"

"Eeeehhhhh... I don't want to discuss it."

"It's physically impossible for you to look up there yourself."

"I know."

"And do you really want to make a doctor's appointment, pay a twenty dollar copay and have him look up there when I can do it myself?"

"Do you really want to look at my butt hole?"

"NOT PARTICULARLY. But you know, I took vows and shit. It's like my job. I think. Isn't it?"

"I don't remember a vow about promising to look at one another's itchy ass."

"Yeah, well, me neither but somone's gotta look at it. Would you rather someone else do it? Who would you ask?"

"Good point."

So... no appearance of a pinworm. But apparently we need to do the scotch tape test and put it under a microscope. Which means we need a microscope.

We need a super-awesome nerdy microscope.

And I really, really need for my husband to not have pinworms. That shit is gross.

If he has it, he got it from his great big business trip this summer.

And that's just super.

23 comments:

Keri said...

OMG I SO want to hang out with you guys!!!!! Y'all are hysterical!!!

amy h said...

Blah -- pinworms freak me out! I hope they never come visit my house.

Those are some serious vows there. :)

Lala said...

OH GOODNESS... Hmmmmm... yep... scotch tape test... when we were kids we would play in the sandbox at the park down the street... NUF SAID right??? Hmmmmm... could it be YEAST maybe or Hemmroids??? He's not going around the house dragging his itchy ass on the carpeting is he??? LOL... Hope you get the situation cleared up!!!

kristi said...

Are the kids itchy too? Because they're usually the first in any household to get pinworms. And they will complain very loudly if they get them. Maybe it's hemorrhoids, or just some random skin irritation.

As for the microscope, of course you need one. Microbiology kicks ass. I actually prefer it to string theory, but don't tell Griffin.

caroline said...

ahh now that it true love!! If there is no sign of worms in the poop then I'd guess it could be haemorrhoids. What a gorgeous topic of conversation .... I'm off to cook supper!

Marsha said...

You rock. I would totally send my husband to the doctor.

Ali said...

Oh dear God. Would you just skip the tape test thing and just give him the worming tablets. My mother wormed us religiously as kids, itchy butt or no.

Some things are beyond the vows, far, far beyond.

I love that everyone is discussing Aarons ass in such a supportive fashion. Only in blogland.

Hyena In Petticoats said...

Oh my fuck, Laura,

1) I was so scared to click on that Scotch Tape Test link, but y'know, I did it anyway.
Turns out it's nowhere near as traumatic as I was expecting.

2( I also love that you can share your husband's anal problems with your online friends, and we'll just giggle and offer helpful advice.

3) How the fuck can you guys NOT have a microscope?

Good Luck! xxxx

Alicia A. said...

Ewwwwwwww...

Wendy said...

It's awesome that you posted this! Did he do something to piss you off?

I've got a picture of my man in drag (Halloween costume) that I personally think is very hot (I love him in eyeliner- weird I know), but he's threatened to leave me if I post it.

PS- If it's not pinworms, it could be yeast like lala said. If so, acidophilus helps. Good luck with the anus inspection. :)

Samantha said...

That is so gross - but it made me laugh out loud.

You are a far better woman than I am!

Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

Oh my gosh, I would pay my husband the $20 to go to the dr! LOL

LLA said...

ew. ick.

I'd pony up the twenty bucks. which is saying something, because I am the cheapest woman on the planet, you know. :)

Off to Google "Scotch tape test" - just because I have no idea what it is, and my imagination is running rampant...

Can't you just get him some dewormer without having to look at his booty???

monica said...

very very funny. Your post. NOT worms.

They're kind of gross. And I'm glad I don't know your husband because I couldn't possibly look at him straight in the eyes after this...

Chickenbells said...

Damn...see?

Work is dangerous to your health!

Poor guy...so, I'm wondering, if it's not the pinworms...then what else could it be? AND...are we all glad that you did not put a picture with this post? Lord, I could go on...but it's not funny (giggle...poor Aaron) my god, there's a 4th grader living in my body (and I'm not even itchy...ok...I'm stopping now)

lera said...

Oh, man! I hope he doesn't have pinworms. That would really stink.

Rachel said...

ok. I think you just won the award for most hilariously gross post ever! And I do have to say, when the time comes and I actually meet your hubby, it will be a little hard not to ask how the worm issue went.

Heidijayhawk said...

you are one seriously awesome wife. my hubby has colitis and i know waaaaay more about his shit than i need to know. i think you just want a kick ass microscope.

Angelina said...

If we had a microscope in the house I think I would end up paralyzed with fear to touch anything, to breath, or ever get naked again.

I hope it's not pin worms.

debbie said...

WOW!
You take those vows way more seriously than I ever could . . .

nuttnbunny said...

Hope you don't find any super awesome nerdy pinworms. How could he, in the face of such dedication, deny you three advent calendars. The nerve.

Mary said...

Baby, that's loooooove. And I'm not sure if I love Honey that much. I think I'd be coughing up that copay and then mocking him.

Laura said...

Ach ach ach, hope the bum is better soon!