Saturday, December 23, 2006

Finally, I'm Letting Go of All My Downer Thoughts

Happy Festivus! The Festivus for the rest of us.

In case you live UNDER A ROCK, today (December 23rd) is Festivus. Let's get straight to the festivities and begin the Airing of Grievances.

First of all, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE SHITTY WRAPPING PAPER? In this day and age NO ONE should be making crap ass wrapping paper that that tears six inches horizontally while I'm trying to cut it vertically. It fucking PISSES ME OFF.

(Serenity now!)

Something else that pisses me off? PEOPLE LEAVING SAID WRAPPING PAPER BEHIND EXPECTING ME TO WRAP THEIR GIFTS FOR THEM. First off, ASK ME TO DO IT FOR YOU, DON'T ASSUME and second of all, LEAVE BEHIND ADEQUATE MATERIALS TO DO SO.

(Serenity now!)

Another thing pissing me off? FUCKING SHOPPERS. OH MY GODDESS, DO YOU NOT YELL AND ME AND TELL ME I'M NOT THE NEXT PERSON IN LINE EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY AM. STUPIDITY ON YOUR PART OF GETTING IN THE LINE WITH THREE PEOPLE RATHER THAN GETTING IN THE LINE WITH NO PEOPLE DOES NOT NECESSITATE A CRISIS ON MY PART. AND DID YOU NOTICE? I WAS STANDING THREE FEET BACK BECAUSE I'M A NICE PERSON AND I TOTALLY DIDN'T EXPECT TO GET WAITED ON BEFORE YOU PEOPLE, BUT I WASN'T ABOUT TO GET IN THE MOO LINE AND FALL IN LINE WITH SOCIETY'S STUPID RULES EITHER. AND BAMOTHAFUCKINGHUMBUG TO YOU TOO BITCH.

(Serenity now!)

To all those with penises who choose to urinate in my bathroom, HOLD YOU PENIS. THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE HANDS: SO YOU CAN AIM. (GODDESS KNOWS IT ISN'T TO HELP ME AROUND THE HOUSE OR ANYTHING. Gah.)

(Serenity now!)

And when I call asking for you to help me make a decision? FUCKING HELP ME MAKE A DECISION ALREADY. DON'T SAY "EITHER OR, IT DOESN'T MATTER." FUCKER? IT MATTERS.

(Serenity now!)

And to myself: LAURA, SERIOUSLY. PROPERLY THANK PEOPLE WHEN YOU GET A PARCEL IN THE POST. (Thank you Manda, Suzie Sews, PamKittyMorning and Lera. I'm an ass for not properly thanking you yet.)

(Serenity now!)

Dear Whole Foods, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH NO CRANBERRIES? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO CELEBRATE FESTIVUS WITH NO CRANBERRIES? I COULD USE FRESH OR FROZEN BUT YOU HAVE NEITHER.

(Serenity now!)

And to the pneumonia, KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY, JESUS HOPPING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT, OKAY? WHEN WILL IT BE OVER? WHEN, PNEUMONIA, WHEN?

(Serenity now!)

Now, if you'll excuse me. I need a nap. All that yelling has worn me out. Serenity now!

20 comments:

PamKittyMorning said...

Preaching the choir my friend. Airing of Grievances.
I'm ready for it. I have many of the same ones. And when I say Honey, I do it for you, not for your freaking family, just accept it and go back to cleaning the kitchen. Don't get in a mood. And when your mother calls and says they want nothing special made then list of desserts that you had no intention of making as what they're fine with, just go about your business and pray we all come out on the otherside. Because as Dr. Terry Brazelton says, the Dr. Phil of my new parent years, you'll be sorry when those people aren't there to celebrate with you. Seriously Dr. Terry, I doubt it, but I'm willing to grin and bear if if everyone else will. But I intend to bitch. And you should to.

Good luck.

Manda said...

I haven't the energy to air my grievances but I will say that my in-laws are a bunch of fuckers and leave it at that.
And you're welcome Laura :)

Marsha said...

Awesome! Have you noticed that everyone gives your kids a bag full of candy for XMas. Why is this? All of it of course is full of glutten and corn and I have to explain to the kid why she cannot have it. What is up with all the crap in a bag? Have a good nap, and happy fesitivus!

kirsty said...

Me detecteth a smidgen of Festivus Stresstivus...

Dawn said...

Happy Festivus!

diana said...

soooooo... are ya feeling better ???
Happy Festivus !

Angelina said...

OK, I guess my quiet Christmas with no family and no festivities is looking better.

You should all leave your in-laws and come to my house, nothing but mimosas going on there. And you won't have to wrap anything.

Kim - ScrapToMyLu said...

You crack me up. I hope you're feeling better.
My grievances with my inlaw side---- they have the strickest rules about gift giving. $25 per kid, no more no less....stocking stuffers for everyone from each person.........weird SIL who hosts dinner and places towels on her chairs so we don't get anything dirty. Can't wait, it's gonna be so much fun.

patrice said...

I love your blog!

Emy said...

Every time someone says "unless you live under a rock", its ALWAYS something I didn't know. Apparently I do live under a rock, a boot shaped one. :D
Hope you feel better now.

MéLisa said...

Oh yeah baby! I know the pain! Only I could not honestly complain about my in laws, other than John’s aunt is crazy, but in a good way. I unfortunately have the fucker for the family, well at least the ones here, the ones we moved 1500 miles to leave near? Yeah those ones. But this year we took a stand & will not spend Christmas Eve or Day with em! Also their gifts aren’t even finished! God I can’t wait to move!

By the way thank you thank you! John & I both were cracking up! I mean cracking! I was crying I laughed to hard! I hope you feel better & that said folks take heed of the grievances!

Have a good one!

cheryl said...

Oh. my. God.

You my friend, are TOO funny.

What is WITH people in lines? Some woman literally PUSHED me out of the way with her cart yesterday to get in front of me. I looked at her with my eyebrws raised (you would have to know me to see how anumated my expressions are - think Jim Carrey) and I said calmly - "oh, excuse me, was I in your way?"

She ignored me.

So I wedged my way back in front of her and put my stuff on the counter.

Yeah, real mature.

LOL.

estea said...

my mom had a sign in her store restroom:

"we aim to please. you aim too, please"


happy christmas grinchygirl

xxxxxxx
me

monica said...

I had this crazy nutter trying to steal my parking space the other morning... excuse me? I said... Oh dear I need that space I'm in a real hurry! she replied... Oh really... so am I and I drove my car in the space I've been waiting 20 minutes for.

The cheek of some people.

And on another subject you mentioned... I've threatened to put my children back in diaper if I found another drop of wee out of the bleeming toilet. And don't get me started on the 'who didn't flush'/who didn't put the seat down!!!

Have a lovely serene Christmas!!

kristi said...

Gah, what is it with those people with penises anyway? I've seen them go through all kinds of contortions to avoid aiming the damn thing while peeing, and it's not because they're averse to touching the body part in question. It must be one of those Y-chromosome-linked traits. Genetic engineers need to start working on that, like yesterday.

I loved your Festivus rant! And I wish I could have been there to watch the Feats of Strength.

Happy merry seasonal secular xmasy greetings!

Chickenbells said...

Well...Happy Festivus, I hope that it was certainly a good one...and that all the serenity settles in...NOW!!! I just got back from spending almost 12 hours with my family...sighd, they acted pissed when I wanted to leave (serenity now)

lera said...

As usual, you had me cracking up!! Joe just asked me why I was laughing.

He wanted me to tell you that if the boys touch their penises while urinating, then they are expected to wash their hands ... At least that's the logic Carter and Mason have tried. It did not fly with me ... the constant hand-washer!! (there are WAY too many penises in my house!!!)

Oh, and you DID thank me via email!!!

Hope you are enjoying your holiday. Especially now that you've vented.

Mia said...

yup.. fa-freakin-la

Marsha said...

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year! I hope you are enjoying the season and all the sicknesses have gone bye-bye!

Cathy said...

I shouldn't be laughing! but I am... laughing.. out loud and loud!