Friday, December 29, 2006

I Can't Get to Sleep, I Think About the Implications of Diving in Too Deep and Possibly the Complications

I'm fairly well-known for running my mouth a little too much. Followed by a quick shoving the foot into mouth. Oh yes, I'm well-known.

I don't know what my problem is, but I am terrified of beginning a new year. On one hand I'm really excited for the potential of a "fresh start." I'm looking forward to wrapping up the holidays and bringing some "normalcy" back into our lives (although, I must admit, lounging around in sweats all day and not going anywhere is quite lovely).

I'm looking forward to cleaning the basement some more and having another garage sale. I'm looking forward to cleaning our bedroom and making be more grown-up (as opposed to the dumping ground it is now). I'm looking forward to more painting projects. I'm looking forward to forcing Aaron out of his cave and turning that room into a family office.

I'm looking forward to lots more cooking, lots more grilling, figuring out how to make some gluten-free bread (Aaron's craving jam and bread, jam and bread, oh please Heavenly Father he wants jam and bread).

I'm looking forward to spending lots more time with friends. I'm looking forward to gardening, going to the swimming pool this summer and spending lots of time at Science City.

And yet, I'm completely terrified of what the new year will bring.

In 2005 we experienced the great eye accident. This year I broke my foot and ruined the whole summer. What fucking catastrophe will we experience in 2007? Really, I know I shouldn't be but I am absolutely terrified to find out.

Another part of my nervousness, and perhaps this is why I'm so fucking nervous, is because I'm starting something new. Something I should be working on right now. Something I know will be good for me, my family and benefit a lot of people.

But still? It is scary. Scary and terrifying, terrifying and scary.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

All I Wanted Was Your Love, Love, Love, Love, Love, Loooooooooooooove

I don't really have anything witty to say today. I'm too busy making gluten-free banana bread and freaking out over my amazing expandable ass and the holiday season.

But I will be upload pictures over on flickr later. That's gotta be worth something, right?

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

This is the Life of Illusion, Wrapped Up in Trouble (Trouble!), Laced With Confusion

Two words: stretchy pants. I am so thankful for stretchy pants. And: sugar cookies. I am so very thankful for the new gluten-free sugar cookie recipe I developed.

We are finally nearly perfectly healthy. And the house still looks like Santa threw up all over the place. I love the holidays.

And now, for your enjoyment, the completion of the Lego Advent Calendar...

Day Twenty One
A saw table. For the plumber. To better cut up the bodies, my dear.

Day Twenty Two
Firefighter Schmitty. He is pissed off because...

Day Twenty Three
... something is on fire and he doesn't know what the fuck it is (it must be a burnin', burnin' ring o' fire).

Day Twenty Four
Santa! Delivering toys out of a crate! What the fuck?!

I'm going to go drown my confusion in more cookies. You should do the same.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Finally, I'm Letting Go of All My Downer Thoughts

Happy Festivus! The Festivus for the rest of us.

In case you live UNDER A ROCK, today (December 23rd) is Festivus. Let's get straight to the festivities and begin the Airing of Grievances.

First of all, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THE SHITTY WRAPPING PAPER? In this day and age NO ONE should be making crap ass wrapping paper that that tears six inches horizontally while I'm trying to cut it vertically. It fucking PISSES ME OFF.

(Serenity now!)


(Serenity now!)


(Serenity now!)

To all those with penises who choose to urinate in my bathroom, HOLD YOU PENIS. THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE HANDS: SO YOU CAN AIM. (GODDESS KNOWS IT ISN'T TO HELP ME AROUND THE HOUSE OR ANYTHING. Gah.)

(Serenity now!)

And when I call asking for you to help me make a decision? FUCKING HELP ME MAKE A DECISION ALREADY. DON'T SAY "EITHER OR, IT DOESN'T MATTER." FUCKER? IT MATTERS.

(Serenity now!)

And to myself: LAURA, SERIOUSLY. PROPERLY THANK PEOPLE WHEN YOU GET A PARCEL IN THE POST. (Thank you Manda, Suzie Sews, PamKittyMorning and Lera. I'm an ass for not properly thanking you yet.)

(Serenity now!)


(Serenity now!)


(Serenity now!)

Now, if you'll excuse me. I need a nap. All that yelling has worn me out. Serenity now!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Taste of Jealousy is Like a Lust for Gold

Day Twenty
Not only does the plumber do serial killing on the side, he even has a convenient portable ice box to transfer and dispose of the bodies.

Yesterday brought on a slight rush of energy, which allowed me to finally finish my handmade gifts.

The hardest part was keeping the children away. They like the sparklies way too much.

Of course, I think the rush of energy was a side effect of the allergic reaction to the antibiotic. Nothing says "happy holidays" and "rosey cheeks" quite as well as a nice, red rash.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

I Feel You Creepin', I Can See it From My Shadow

Day Nineteen
"Did you call a plumber, ma'am?"
"Um, no."
"Are you sure ma'am?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"How about a serial killer, did you call for a serial killer ma'am?"
"No, I didn't."
"Alrighty. Wrong address then. Sorry 'bout that ma'am."


I've noticed everyone is beginning to panic about the holidays being so near. I'm not panicking. Hell no.

This may have something to do with the fact that I've decided that it's not that important to stress about. Please. I have plenty of time.

Or it could be about the fact that I'm in utter complete denial that the holidays are right there, banging on my door to let them in already.

I've already took it upon myself to call everyone and give them my woe is my, I have pneumonia story. If you preface it with that and the doctor considered admitting me in the hospital and the antibiotic makes me puke, like all the time; I'm just grateful it doesn't give me hives people become amazingly caring. "Oh honey," they say, "don't you worry about that holiday box. Just sending it when you are feeling better."



"Mommy, I want this and this for Christmas. And this. And look at this page - Mommy? Are you paying attention? Look at this page. I want everything except that one. And I want this and this. Mommy? Are you listening to me? Mommy?"

"Yes, Griffin. I'm listening."

"Good. 'Cause I want this and this and this and this and this and two of these and..."

"Griffin, where in the hell do you think you're going to fit all this shit if Santa brings it all to you?"

"Good point, Mom. I need a new house too. Just for me. It will rock."

"Just for you? If Santa gave you a house it would be just for you? You wouldn't share it with everyone else in the family?"

"We-ell, we could smoosh my house up to this house and use a super huge glue stick to stick them together and that way I can share some of it. But when I get sick of you I can say hey Mommy! Get out of my house! You are pissin' me off!"

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Recognize I'm a Fool and Ya Loooooove Me!

Went to another doctor yesterday got some more tests and found out I have a fabulous case of pnuemonia. So now I have some antibiotics that I'm not allergic to, but make me throw up more than a bulimic teenager.

(Jesus Christ, Laura, that's fucking inappropriate.)

Now, let's get caught up on the Lego advent calendar, shall we?

Day Seventeen
Officer Marshall told you to back off. And he means it. Now, back off.

Day Eighteen
Now, I know you are probably thinking, what the fuck? And you know what? That's a very good question. We have decided this is either an airplane de-icing machine or fuel pump.

In either case, you need to read the Manger story really carefully to realize why it is in the advent calendar. It's a little known fact that, because Joseph didn't have forceps, he needed the help of 21st century airplane equipment to help him deliver baby Jesus.

It is a story of miracles, after all.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

I Know, I Know, I Know, Should Have Listened When I Was Told

Today is the first day in five days that I have been able to sit upright for more than five minutes. Which feels awesome.

I finally went to the doctor yesterday and surprise! I have pneumonia. Lovely.

I got an I.V. bag of nutrients and a ass-load of medical tests done (added bonus: not covered by insurance because it was my alternative doctor's office) and Monday the results will be in.

The big question is How The Fuck Will They Treat Me since I'm allergic to every fucking antibiotic available (Pennicillin, Clarithromycin, Ciprofloxacin, Azithromycin). And you thought it was just food allergies over here. Hell to tha no.

Just a little something we like to call And Capello Shoves it in the Face of Modern Medical Science, Suck on that Fuckertards.

Thank you for all the "get well" wishes. I really appreciate them.

The last time we peeked into the lego calender was on day eleven with a rail-road crossing barrier. Which brings us to...

Day Twelve
A handcar. Very important to the festivus holidays.

Day Thirteen
Jimmy Joe is here to clean up after the holiday festivities. He takes great pride in his work and keeps his favorite broom in impeccable shape and keeps it with him at all times.

Day Fourteen
Sometimes a broom just isn't enough for Jimmy Joe. He often needs the help of a trash receptacle and shovel to clean the dirties of jobs. The pick axe is so no one fucks with him (and you thought that was an innocent smile on his face, didn't you?).

Day Fifteen
A garden kiosk. Thrown in to the advent calendar to satisfy the little girls particpating (pretty flowers, pretty flowers).

Day Sixteen
Officer Marshal is pissed off at you. Yes, you. How dare you make fun of his advent calender? Lego went to great strides to make a kick-ass advent calendar complete with a focus group of nine year old boys with fauxhawks and Goddamnit, this advent calendar rocks. And if you don't agree, he may very well arrest you.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

It's Gettin' Hot in Herre (So Hot)

Okay, maybe I'm just the one hot. Actually, I'm cold. No, hot. No, cold.

In case you haven't put two and two together, I'm sick. Temperature over 104. Too sick to open the computer. Too sick to write. And too sick to complain.

Damn, that's fuckin' sick, yo.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

When I Look in the Mirror, I Can't Believe What I See -- Tell Me, Who's That Funky Dude Starin' Back at Me?

My nerd quota just went up at least ten points...

... and that's some vicious glare. Yikes.

So, apparently, my brain has been "pulling corners for years" and now everything rectangular looks trapazoidial (yes, that's a word. I say so). This is going to take some serious getting use to.

Something else to get use to?

Day Eleven
The fucked up Lego Advent Calender. What fucking genius of a board meeting came up with these anyway?

Monday, December 11, 2006

I Want to be the Girl with the Most Cake

Day eight...

The doctor got an exam table and did a little dirty-dirty with the stoned air traffic controller (yes, there is photographic evidence).

Then, on day nine...

... the doctor sat down at his computer and wrote a blog post about it. And on day ten...

... he was arrested by a traffic cop.

I have the best advent calendar ever.

Yesterday we finally put ornaments on the tree. At one moment it looked like this..

(his sleeve is tied because of the scratching, the scratching) ... and the next moment it looked like this...

Welcome to my life.

Today Griffin woke up with a really bad cough and a raging temperature. Darwin woke up vomiting. Whereas I am bleaching everything in sight.

Again, welcome to my life.


Saturday, December 09, 2006

It's Good Enough for Me, Oh Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

How's your weekend going?

Because mine is going fabulous, thanks for askin'. I've got a feverish baby sleeping on me and another child trying to hack up a lung in the living room and my husband is at work. On a Saturday evening. Yeah. Great weekend. Thanks for asking.

(Actually, earlier today was great. I met up with Lori and her friend Michelle for the Lawrence Farmer's Market and then Michelle went shopping with me in old downtown. And then Aaron called needing to go to work. And the rest of the day has been fabulous. Did I mention that yet?)

So due to said fevered baby, there is not lego photo today. In part because You Don't Piss Off The Sleeping Baby, in part because I haven't even taken the stinkin' photo yet and there is no more sunlight and in part because the doctor is using the item for his sexual escapades, more on that later.

A week ago I was tagged by Momma Pajama for Christmas Song Meme and yes, it has taken me all week to come up with my five favorite Christmas holiday songs.

5. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" performed by Jack Johnson
Why: Not only does Jack Johnson have a voice on an angel and a beautiful soul, Jack Johnson is hot. Yum. Yes, as a matter of fact, he is on my laminated list.

4. "The Chanukah Song" by Adam Sandler
Why: With One, Two, Three versions there are many, many reasons to put on your yamaka and be proud.

3. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band Aid
Why: Everyone needs a friendly reminder to get our priorities straight.

2. "Dreidel Song" performed by the characters of South Park
Why: Everyone should know the Dreidel Song. And because we know it so well, everyone at Griffin's Christian Preschool thinks we are Jewish.

1. "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth"
Why: It's only the Best Holiday Song Ever. Even though I still can't find my favorite version, you can enjoy the original by Spike Jones and the City Slickers.

I have also been tagged by Lera and Soo for the Magic of Four Meme:

Four Jobs I've Had:
Slip Master -- perhaps the Best Job Ever, I pour slip for ceramics, timed them, cleaned them up, did the sanding. It was fun but a lot of heavy lifting.
PBX Operator -- that's fancy pants for phone operator of a home improvement store. I had that job for eight years through high school and college and I was allowed to do homework between calls which was awesome (and part of the reason why I allowed them to schedule me 38 hour weeks too).
Account Coordinator -- while in college I worked for a non-profit; after I graduated with a Journalism degree I decided to still do the non-profit thing so I worked for a consulting company that was for-profit. I designed and wrote some appeals, but I mainly became in charge of the production department, overseeing lots of appeals and making sure all the details were correct. Lots and lots of details.
Blog Writer -- hey, I've got ads, so I'm getting paid, so it counts. Okay, this is the Best Job Ever.

Four Movies I Could Watch Over & Over:
A Christmas Story
Strictly Ballroom
The Adventures of Priscilla: Queen of the Desert

Four Places I've Lived:
Blue Springs, MO
Kansas City, MO
Lawrence, KS
Lenexa, KS
(wow, I really move around a lot)

Four TV Shows I Love to Watch:
Grey's Anatomy
Brothers & Sisters
The Class
The 4400

Four Places I've Been on Vacation:
Cancun, Mexico
Neuwied, Germany
Chicago, IL
Duff & Capello's Excellent Roadtrip -- all through the South. Oy. That's a story.

Four Websites I Visit Daily:
yahoo email
Perez Hilton (I'm so bad. Yes, I've seen Britney's girlie bits.)

Four Favorite Foods:
guacamole and yellow corn chips
baked beans and rice
dark chocolate

Four Places I'd Rather Be:
1. curled up on the couch watching a movie with Aaron and the boys be asleep
2. Greece
3. lounging on a warm beach with a fruity, alcoholic concoction in hand
4. walking through a large, large greenhouse oooohhhhing and aaaahhhhhing over the plants and getting some light therapy at the same time

Whew. That was a lot of information.

Friday, December 08, 2006

So Come On Baby, Won't You Show Some Class, Why You Want to Move So Fast?

Day Seven...
In order to get preferential treatment (and to avoid being strip searched), the doctor arrives to the airport in his scrubs. What he doesn't show you, is he stole 20 pads of a rival doctor's prescription sheets to trade for some crack.

We are desperately trying to get into the holiday spirit. Yesterday I finished my first handmade ornament of the season...

And Griffin made two at preschool...

... we plan on putting ornaments on the tree this weekend. So far we have five strings of lights and two garlands.

I also completed the first Festivus card to send out...

... I have at least 49 more to make (notice I said at least, if I can find the proper size envelope I could easily mail 25 more). So, you can only imagine what I'll be working on today...

Thursday, December 07, 2006

'Cause it's a Bittersweet Symphony, this Life

Day six:

Nothing says Happy Holidays! like standing in line for four hours to have your carry on luggage inspected. It's the American Way.

I'm feeling much more better today with my thanks to my American tendencies: I went tanning. MMmmmmm... artificial sunlight and skin cancer. Awesome.

(Hey, it beats the pants off laying on the couch watching Noggin and moaning I do-on't fee-eel goo-ood all day.)

Took the boys to the dermatologist this morning, got three new potions to try on them. That brings our grand total of magic elixirs in the house up to 29.

And the dermatologist said I march to the beat of a different drummer. What the fuck?

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Jump On Outta Bed and I Stumble to the Kitchen, Pour Myself a Cup of Ambition

Day five:Sigh.

I don't feel well. Just tired, exhausted. Want to sleep. It's zapping all the creativity out of me. Coffee isn't helping.

I came up with a reason why Lego did this, complete with a powdered substance being in one suitcase and money in the other. But I'm too exhausted. So use your imagination.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I Can't Help My Feelings, I'll Go Out of My Mind

"Oh, for Christ's sake."
"Aaron, you should come see what Lego gave us today..."
"What is it?"
"An airplane pilot smoking a crack pipe."
"An airplane pilot smoking a crack pipe."
"No way."
"Way, dude. Come look."

"That's not an airplane pilot smoking a crack pipe."
"Yes, it is. He's wearing sunglasses and a hat to cover his stoned eyes."
"No, it's not. Look..."

"See? It's an air traffic controller."
"No, it's not. If it was an air traffic controller he'd have on those big ear protector thingies too."

Monday, December 04, 2006

If There's Something Weird and it Don't Look Good, Who You Gonna Call?

Nothing says Happy Holidays quite like the Lego Advent Calendar.

Day two:

Screams Merry Christmas! Doncha think?

Day three:

"Aaron, what the fuck is this?"
"Um... a Segway."
"Dude, it's not a Segway."
"Yes it is."
"No it's not. Look at the instructions."

"See? He's not riding it."
"Maybe it's some sort of zamboni thing."
"Yeah, because in Lego Land everyone likes their roads especially icey. That makes a lot of sense."

And all three days together:

::banging head on table::

So, we were suppose to put our tree up yesterday and decorate it. We got sidetracked by the National Geographic channel. Four hours of fabulous programming, including Does the Ark of the Covenant really exist? and Where is Noah's Ark and Did the Flood Really Happen? and The Story of the Exodus: How in Sam Hill did Moses Really Part the Red Sea? and my personal favorite How the Fuck Did All This Super Cool Yellow Glass End Up in the Egyptian Desert? (answer: 400 million years ago a lot of asteroids hit the Earth, turning into fireballs just above the land and made glass throughout Africa and Asia).

So, in other words, the tree didn't get assembled until midnight.


Then, this morning...

"Yes, Griffin?"
"I need to snip off my turtle's arm."

"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do."
"Why do you feel that way?"
"There's something in his arm and I need to find out what it is."
"It's stuffing. Besides, you'll hurt Turtle if you snip off his arm."
"No, I won't. He's an inanimate object. He doesn't feel pain."
"Um... then he'll be broken and I'll have to throw him away."
"That's okay. You can buy me a new one. I really need to see what's inside."

Oh shit.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Its Okay I Understand, This Ain't No Never-Never Land

Pam did it, so did Betty. So I'm doing it too.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
I've never had an egg nog that I like. But hot chocolate isn't particularly Christmas-y since I make it All Year Long.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
When I was a child, Santa left the biggest gift unwrapped. When Aaron was a child, Santa "borrowed" his mother's gift wrap.

So far in our home, Santa has his own special wrap. ::sigh:: And he wraps everything he leaves.

Of course, our children don't know the difference, since we don't put any presents under the tree until after they go to bed Christmas evening. By the time I was four, I could unwrap and rewrap presents perfectly. Ahem. And since our boys are So Freaking Nosey, we don't even give the opportunity to snoop. Of course, this means they think Santa leaves everything.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Doesn't matter, as long as it is *tasteful*.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No. I demand lots of kisses all year long. And? Someone would probably be allergic to it.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Whenever I harp on Aaron enough to do it. Usually, the first or second weekend in December. Supposedly, we are doing it tomorrow after breakfast. ::gulp::

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
What do you mean excluding dessert? Is there anything else?

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:
I don't have a favorite, exactly, just that I remember waiting FOREVER for my dad to wake up on Christmas morning and the suspense would nearly kill me.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I don't particularly remember. I do remember pretending not to know the truth for a long time as to not hurt my dad's feelings.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
When I was a child, my dad would let me open one gift that he picked out (fucking pajamas). Kathy's family celebrates on Christmas Eve, so ever since then we do open presents with my parents on Christmas Eve and then have Christmas morning with the boys.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
It's a mismash of everything. Lights, handmade ornaments, ornaments that was my mom's and lots and lots of Hallmark ornaments.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Love it! Just don't love the ice.

12. Can you ice skate?
Hell to the no. I dated a guy once that played ice hockey and he really tried to teach me, but I just kept falling on my ass.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
One year my dad got me a shadow box. I had no clue what it was, but once he explained to to me I loved it. Miniature anythings are awesome.

And one year I bought a snowman figure for Aaron to give his aunt in the family drawing. I loved that snowman and they only had one. Aaron ended up giving it to me for Christmas.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Spending time with family and friends.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
I love making tons of different cookies, which I didn't get to do last year (just two months after being diagnosed with the what allergy). Every year I make different dessert-desserts, cheesecakes, big tortes, sorbets. If it has sugar in it, I love it.

17. What tops your tree?
My parents got us a really beautiful angel. But since hearing that joke and Santa or Jesus shoving the Christmas tree up the angel's ass, I can't look at it with a straight face anymore. Aaron wants a light-up star because he claims the angel is too Christian (hello, ever hear of the Star of David retard?), so we are still trying to figure out what we want to do.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song (s)?
"All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth." My dad had it on vinyl, a little girl was singing it. The basement flooded, the album got ruined, thrown out and no one told me. Now I can't find the album or that version of the song anywhere.

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Yum! I love grinding them up and using them in cakes and cookies.

And to help the holiday spirit all that more, here is the first Lego Advent Calendar item...

All he is missing is a ciggie hanging out of his mouth.

Friday, December 01, 2006

It's Oh, So Quiet. It's Oh, So Still. You're All Alone and So Peaceful Until...

Hello winter.
Hello, Mister Icicle.
Hello, Ornery Child Obsessed With Snow Ball Fights.
"Darwin, you wanna come outside?"
"You wanna play in the snow?"

Hello, December. Which means it is time to begin the Advent Calendar.
What? You expected something else? From us? Please.

(Although, I must admit after what went down last year I am a wee bit nervous about Lego only releasing a "City" Advent Calendar this year. We do our Advent stuff after dinner. Perhaps this year I'll post the whole series. Then we can all write Lego and tell them to rename it the Festivus Calendar if it is anything like last year's.)