Tuesday, March 31, 2009

If You Seek Amy

Sunday night I was watching 60 minutes (of course) and they did a story about computer viruses (with fucking Lesley Stahl again, goddammit I swear I have something against her).

Now I know two days later, the internet is hip with Conficker. But on Sunday night I was all "Aaaaarrrrrrooooonnnnnn!!!! Fix mah computer!!!! Must get on internets!!!!"

And he was all "Huh?"

And I was all "Lesley Stahl says my computer is gonna go BOOM. Don't wanna go BOOM!"

And he was all "Huh?"


To which he realied, "Okay, woman. Calm down."

So he got out our back up hard drive (which is one sexy motherfucker, I tell you what) and backs up my computer.

Monday morning I wake up to Aaron looking at my computer and tells me, "It's amazing you're computer is still up and running..."

"Whoa, did you find Conficker?"

"No, you have less than one meg of available memory left."

"What'd Conficker do to my memory?"

"Nothing. You've downloaded too many damn pictures."


So now I'm not allowed to do anything on my computer other than be on the internet. Opening or creating any files will, according to my husband, make my computer go BOOM.

This is especially heartbraking to blogging, because hello? Blogging without pictures? How do I expect anyone to come over for a feed reader without pictures? THE WORLD WILL END WITHOUT PHOTOS!

Friday, March 27, 2009

You Don't Even Care Now, I Was Unaware

"Aaron? I think Opie's on my list."



"Opie? No, you are not putting Ron Howard on your list."

"I can and I am."

"Why in the hell are you putting him on your list?"

"Have you not seen Jamie Foxx's video? He's hot. Seriously. Lordy."

"Ron Howard is not in a Jamie Foxx video."

"Yes, he is and he's HOT."

"Woman, he is not in a Jamie Foxx video."

"Aaron, YES HE IS. I work on the internets. I know these things. See?"


"He's being hot. That's what he's doing."

"You and your nerd obsessions."

"Of all people, you should be VERY HAPPY I HAVE A NERD OBSESSION."

Monday, March 23, 2009

You've Got Your Pleasures All Around You, They're All in a Row

Other things making me happy:

sticks picked up from the yard

three cleaned-out flower beds

gluten-free chocolate chip cheesecake

flowering trees all over town

catching the neighbor's teenage son having sex in his car. in the middle of the day. parked in front of his home.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Do You Speak-a My Language?

"Dude. I have a pimple in my nose."


"I know. And I keep getting it over and over and over. How did I get rid of it?"

"Google it."

"Okay." ::typing:: "'Zit in nose.' Oh wait. It recommends 'painful zit in nose.'"

"Yeah dude. You have to get all the criteria in there."

Monday, March 16, 2009

There's No Combination of Words I Can Put on the Back of a Postcard

My friend's wedding was perfectly lovely on Friday.

We're still recovering, I'm trying to figure out what year it is. Two thousand and six, right? Am I right?

Actually, the boys are on spring this week - so my confusion will likely last at least another week - and the weather is gorgeous so I've forced them to go play outside. Yes, forced. They love their Legos too much sometimes, I think.

Perhaps I should clean the patio table so I can take my work outside?

I have lots brewing in my head, from getting kicked out of Union Station for taking pictures of my newly married friends, to wondering why Leslie Stahl was such a megabitch to Alice Waters on 60 Minutes last night, to how Martha Stewart Living gets a BIG FAT FAIL on the supposedly gluten-free article in the April issue (mis-information is worse than no information when it comes to gluten-free), but alas, I'm trying to not be such a Debbie Downer so I'll save my complaints for another day, if that day ever comes.

And I said trying.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

When She's Dancing 'Neath the Starry Sky




Did you know? I've actually been having nightmares all week about making the bouquets for my friend's wedding tomorrow. Big scary nightmares of roses attacking me, cutting my flesh and the flower heads swallowing me whole. Good lord.

Hopefully I won't have any tonight. And Buddha bless Costco, four dozen roses - plus tax - for less than 35 bucks. Add less-than-ten bucks for floral tape, pink ribbon, pearl-topped pins and new flower shears. Hopefully, we're ready.

If only my dress wasn't the color of poo.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Don't Stop Just Keep Going On

Hello Monday, let me punch you in the face, mkay?

I'm sorry.

It's just that kinda day.

Bad Laura.

Ah, that feels better. I should have posted these green pix last week but life got in my way.

Life has a funny way of doing that.

Big plans for you this week? I'm helping my friend finish up the last of her wedding plans for Friday. I have the proper brown dress and pink shoes. You can call me Cherry Cordial.

Here's another little happy...

God, I love music.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

So Do You Laugh or Does it Cry

The past few weeks have been filled with helping my friend slap a wedding together in less than a month.

They got engaged last spring, yes, but decided to hold off on planning things -- why rush it? Well, one thing leads to another and life would just work out better if they were married.

Okay, no problem, right?

Oh, look at that. I made a funny.

Initially they decided to have a courthouse wedding. And guess what - when you have a courthouse wedding in Missouri it's by a minister -- double score for the groom's parents!

Only, not so much. Apparently that isn't good enough.

So last week - with less than two weeks to go - my friends moved it to a chapel. Which requires a fancy dress for her, a fancy dress for me, hiring a photographer and (good lord) now renting tuxes for the dudes.

Saturday night we went frantically shopping and managed to find me a dress. That fits. Only issue - they didn't have it in truffle. So they called another store, had me buy it and it'd be shipped to me in a matter of days.

Well, I got the dress yesterday. Took it out of the box and... it's the wrong damn dress. This thing is backless down past my asscrack and has ruffles on my boobs. RUFFLES ON MY BOOBS. So not only would I either be looking like the most gigantic piece of chocolate ever created or I'd be looking like a piece of poop with bright pink panties.

Breathing into a paper bag brought me out of my hysterics and supposedly the store is now re-shipping the proper dress to me.

The shit you do for friends.

green week! teacups on the piano (yes, that's where they live), a gift from my mother-in-law

Monday, March 02, 2009

I've Been Roaming Around

There's nothing like waking up at 2 am to vomiting children to make one realize holyfuckingshit, I'm selfish and like sleep.


The boys are finally on the mend (as am I, after CATCHING IT FROM THEM, another instance of selfishness in which I didn't want any of that crap, thanks for thinkin' of me though) and it's back to the daily grind of listening to Griffin bitch about doing homework.

Dude, just wait until you're in high school. You'll be totally fucked.

I'm gonna try to participate in Emily's Green Week this week and I say try because I'm lazy and don't post everyday (need to get better at that).

venus fly trap, which I would totally call Audrey II but it won't sing Feed Me

Fingers crossed for a good week and retiring the vomit bucket.